Jokes of the day for Sunday, 28 July 2019

A baby polar bear goes up to h

A baby polar bear goes up to his dad and asks, "Dad, am I pure polar bear?"
The dad replies, "Sure you are son. I'm all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, your mom is all polar bear, and her parents are all polar bear."
Still unsure the baby polar bear goes to his mom and asks, "Mom, am I pure polar bear?"
She answers, "Of course you are honey. I'm all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear."
Still not convinced the baby polar bear goes to his grandparents and asks, "Grandmom...Grandpop...am I all polar bear?"
His grandmother answers, "Of course you are sweetie. We're all polar bear, your mother is all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear. Why do you ask sweetie?"
The baby polar bears replies, "Because I'm f***** freezing!"

1. Bob Smith, my assistant pr

1. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2. hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3. wasting company time talking to colleagues.Bob never
4. thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5. finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6. measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7. breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8. vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9. knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10. classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11. dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12. promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13. executed as soon as possible.
Addendum: That idiot was standing over my shoulder whileI wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read onlythe odd lines.

 Lightbulb Joke Collection 79

Q: How many light bulb jokes does it take to change a light bulb joke?
A: Hmmmm - the probability that a given light bulb joke will be submitted to the net in any given week is .4, and the probability that it will have changed detectably since the last transmission is .2. Hence (assuming independence, which is reasonable since no submitter of a light bulb joke ever seems to know it has been submitted before, within the last 2 or 3 weeks), the probability that it will change in a given week is .08. So it takes about 12.5 light bulb jokes to change a light bulb joke.
A: One.
Q: How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Q: How many members of the royal family does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: "Actually none. As your queen I would like to reassure the people of the commonwealth that while our family may have had our Annus Horribilis and while some of us may have screwed in the stables or in the mud, none of us, to my knowledge, have actually screwed in a lightbulb."
Q: How many Royalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: That depends on how far up the succession list the lightbulb is. For lightbulbs within 50 (+or-5) of the throne, the total can be approximated by (10 000/n) where n = place in succession list.
Q: How many Austrailian Royalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but there is only one and she is old and not feeling that well these days so ... hurry!
Q: How many Victorians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: [Ahem] We do not discuss this with ladies and children present.
Q: How many Filipinoes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: We don't know. The new bulb keeps getting shot at the airport.
Q: How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Ve are asking ze qvestions here!

Two Women Archaeologists

Two women archaeologists are down in Mexico excavating an ancient Mayan burial ground looking for some remains to take back to their museum.
Unfortunately, everything they run across is badly decomposed. One of the two says, "We don't seem to be having much luck."
The other replies, "Keep on digging, honey, a good Mayan is hard to find!"

“At the old sailor's

“At the old sailor's garage sale, I bought a basketball hoop. It was the rim of the ancient mariner.”

Twins...

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Church Cake!

Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this — especially all the ladies who bake for church events

Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.

She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat.

She said, “Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake.”

So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom … a roll of toilet paper.

She plunked it in and covered it with icing.

The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church. Before she left the house, Alice had given her daughter some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened, and to buy that cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold.

Alice was beside herself.

The next day, Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon.

After the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert.

Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, “What a beautiful cake!”

Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say,

“Thank you, I baked it myself.”

Answering Machine Message 97

"Camptown Races":
I can't come to the telephone; doo-dah, doo-dah.
Leave your message when you hear the tone; oh, de doo-dah day.
Might be gone all night... Might be gone all day...
So leave a message when you hear the tone.
I'll call you back someday...

How good was I?

A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night, her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity.

They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom, and when the guy walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys.

There's hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there's more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed.

Later, after they've had sex, he turns to her and asks, "So, how was I?"

She says, "Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf."

New Secretary

The real estate boss got a hot new secretary. Afraid of sexual harrassment issues he held himself off for a week, but finally overcome with lust, he decided to put some moves on her. But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on. So, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her. "Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?" Looking him in the eyes, she replied, "My lawyer!"

Bumper Stickers in Heaven

Honk if you ARE Jesus
Ask Me About My Previous Lives
I Brake For Celestial Choirs
I Died and Went To Heaven and All I Got Was This Lousy Halo

The President and Mrs. Clinton...

The President and Mrs. Clinton went to opening day of Baseball season. Suddenly, just at the start of the game, Bill threw Hillary onto the field.

"No, no!" exclaimed the chief of staff, "You were supposed to throw out the first PITCH!"

You will spend eternity here

The devil meets him at the gate and says, "Alright, you have died and come to hell. You will spend eternity here, but you get to choose how to spend it. You may choose one of these three doorways. Once you choose a door, you may not change it. So let's get started."

The devil opens Door One. The guy looks in and sees a couple of people standing on their heads on a Concrete floor. The guy says, "No way, let's move on."

The devil opens Door Two. The guy sees a few more people standing on their heads on a Wood floor. The guy says, "No way, let's move on."

The devil opens Door Three. The guy sees a bunch of people standing knee-deep in cow manure drinking coffee. The guy says, "Great, this is the one I will chose." The devil says, "OK, wait right here, I will get you some coffee."

The guy settles in with his coffee thinking that this isn't so bad. What's the big deal?

After about 10 minutes a voice comes over the loud speaker saying, "Coffee break's over. Back on your heads!"

Husband wanted

A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person."

The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow asked: "Just look at you -- you have no legs!"

The old gent smiled: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled: "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

8 Funny jokes to make Monday more bearable

Yesterday I changed a lightbulb, walked into a pub and crossed a road…
My whole life has become a joke!

I got hit in the head with a can of Coke today.
Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink.

I am looking for someone to brush their teeth with me.
I am really concerned after I found out that 9 out of 10 dentists say brushing alone won't reduce cavities.

I thought it was a real question when the teacher asked me if I knew any words that had all the vowels in order
Turned out it was facetious.

I tried to rob a bank by blowing up the safe.
.hings were going well but there was just one problem.
I bought some cheap dynamite that was advertized as
"The inexpensive explosives that won't break the bank."

A skunk, a deer and a duck went out to dinner and when it came time to pay
The skunk didn't have a scent and the deer didn't have a buck. So they put it on the duck's bill

I recently paid $1 for a wig.
It was a small price toupee.

I used to date a girl who loved to be covered in cheese…
She was a cracker!