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Jokes of the day for Monday, 29 July 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 29 July 2019
  • Currently 9.55/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (1843)

“Becoming thirsty at

“Becoming thirsty at exercise class, Reverend Spooner drank chai tea during tai chi.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 1.40/10

Rating: 1.4/10 (10)

 The Dog And Neutron


A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

#joke #beer
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 2.69/10

Rating: 2.7/10 (13)

You Remind Me of the Sea

Girl: "You remind me of the sea."
Boy: "Why? Because I'm so wild and romantic?"
Girl: "No, because you make me sick."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (16)

A baby polar bear goes up to h

A baby polar bear goes up to his dad and asks, "Dad, am I pure polar bear?"
The dad replies, "Sure you are son. I'm all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, your mom is all polar bear, and her parents are all polar bear."
Still unsure the baby polar bear goes to his mom and asks, "Mom, am I pure polar bear?"
She answers, "Of course you are honey. I'm all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear."
Still not convinced the baby polar bear goes to his grandparents and asks, "Grandmom...Grandpop...am I all polar bear?"
His grandmother answers, "Of course you are sweetie. We're all polar bear, your mother is all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear. Why do you ask sweetie?"
The baby polar bears replies, "Because I'm f***** freezing!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 2.69/10

Rating: 2.7/10 (13)

You gotta have faith

A couple of nuns who were nursing sisters had gone out to the country to minister to an outpatient. On the way back they were a few miles from home when they ran out of gas. They were standing beside their car on the shoulder when a truck approached.

Seeing ladies of the cloth in distress, the driver stopped to offer his help. The nuns explained they needed some gas. The driver of the truck said he would gladly drain some from his tank but he didnt have a bucket or can.

One of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan and asked the driver if he could use it. He said yes and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts of gas into the pan. He waved goodbye to the nuns and left.The nuns were carefully pouring the precious fluid into their gas tank when the highway patrol came by.

The trooper stopped and watched for a minute, then he said: "Sisters, I dont think it will work, but you sure have faith!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 03 August 2016
  • Currently 6.42/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (19)

He has all the virtues I dislike and none...

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -- Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure" -- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -- Groucho Marx
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -- Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -- Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend. If you have one." -- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill followed by Churchill's response: "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one."
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -- Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -- John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -- Irvin S Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -- Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -- Paul Keating
"He had delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -- Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -- Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -- Oscar Wilde
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 30 July 2016
  • Currently 7.44/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (16)

FLEX WORDLE

FLEX WORDLE Guess the WORDLE in 3 tries. After each guess, the color of the tiles will change to show how close your guess was to the solution.
Source: Genius Brain Teasers - Jokes Of The Day Partner

Unheavenly blessed

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning the Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.

"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."

The second nun said, " Well, I can top that, I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"

"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.

"I poked holes in all of them," she replied.

The third nun said, "Oh shit!"

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Yisman

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 29 July 2011
  • Currently 6.70/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (57)

Cristela Alonzo: Strippers in Med School

I meet a lot of strippers, and they always say the same thing: Im paying my way through medical school. Now, if thats the truth, why is that you never meet a doctor that used to be a stripper? Youd think theyd be everywhere.
#joke #short #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 29 July 2012
  • Currently 5.30/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (40)

Funny Humor About The Irish


This is a true story of the late Irish author Brendan Behan who one night collapsed in a diabetic coma in a Dublin street. It was at a time when he was at the height of his drunken notoriety and passes-by naturally thought he was dead drunk. They took him to the nearby surgery of one of Dublin's most fashionable and respected doctors. The doctor decided to take a cardiograph and, somewhat nervous of his patient, thought to humor him. He explained the workings of the cardiograph needle as it registered the faint heartbeats of the very sick and semiconscious Brendan.
"That needle there is writing down your pulses, Mr. Behan, and I suppose, in its own way, it is probably the most important thing you have ever written."
To which Behan replied: "Aye, and it's straight from me heart, too."
Shamrock
Three old ladies met on the street on a very stormy day. The wind was so strong and loud that they had difficulty in hearing each other.
"It's windy," said one.
"No, it's Thursday," said the next.
"So am I," said the third. "Let's go and have a drink!"

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 29 July 2011
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (39)

Nick Swardson: Down side of Magical Friends

One of my best friends is a professional magician. The only downside to having a magical friend is he always invites us on double dates, and thats the worst because Im a nice guy, but hes magic. Theres no way I can compete with that. He shows up, hes so smooth. Girls love him. Hes like, Hows it going? You look so beautiful tonight. Your hair -- is that a coin? Now, its a rose. Now, its money. And its like, I show up -- what am I gonna do? Im like, Hi, I brought you this rose. Now, its broken.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 29 July 2010
  • Currently 3.51/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (39)

Pipe Organ

A local church built a new sanctuary. They moved their very

fine old pipe organ from to the new sanctuary. It was an

intricate task that was completed successfully.

The local news heralded . . . "St. Paul Completes Organ

Transplant."

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 29 July 2012
  • Currently 4.53/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (32)

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