Jokes of the day for Friday, 09 August 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 09 August 2019
  • Currently 9.53/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (1864)

Walk across the lake

At a family gathering, Fred's father, grandfather, and great-grandfather bragged that they had all been able to walk on water to the bar across the lake for their first legal drinks. So when Fred's 21st birthday came around, he rowed out to the center of the lake, stepped out of the boat, and nearly drowned. Fred climbed back in and went to see his grandmother.

"Grandma," he said, "it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked kindly into Fred's eyes and said, "Because they were all born in January, and you were born in August."

Joke found on https://www.sysnative.com/ on Ongoing Joke Thread forum, posted on Jun 6, 2013 by DonnaB

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 7.70/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (10)

Love and beer

I love you.

Is it you or the beer talking?

It’s me. Talking to my beer.

Funny Metal Sign sold on Amazon

#joke #short #beer
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 8.25/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (8)

Ukulele needed tuning

“The mountaineer's ukulele needed tuning for the altitude on Mt Everest because it was a little highly strung.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 3.07/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (15)

Football Coach

A football coach was asked his secret of evaluating raw recruits.
"Well," he said, "I take 'em out in the woods and make 'em run. The ones that go around the trees, I make into running backs. The ones that run into the trees, I turn into linemen."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (11)

A young woman went to see a fo

A young woman went to see a fortune teller who told her: "You will be broke and unhappy till you are fifty."
"What happens when I'm fifty?" asked the young woman.
"Nothing," said the fortune teller. "But you'll be used to it by then."
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 29 March 2019
  • Currently 4.33/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (12)

 Silly Collection 10


What do you call an American drawing?
Yankee doodle!

I was once in a play called "Breakfast in Bed"
Did you have a big role?
No just toast and marmalade!

What key went to college?
Yale!

What is a volcano?
A mountain with hiccups!

Why was the broom late?

It over slept!

What runs but never walks?
Water!

What is green, four legs and two trunks?
Two seasick tourists!


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Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 23 February 2018
  • Currently 2.63/10

Rating: 2.6/10 (8)

Calculate the number 2901

NUMBERMANIA: Calculate the number 2901 using numbers [5, 6, 2, 8, 56, 497] and basic arithmetic operations (+, -, *, /). Each of the numbers can be used only once.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Three Bears

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family are just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!

"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty!

"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? I haven't made the porridge yet!!"

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Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 14 August 2016
  • Currently 6.15/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (13)

I don't have an attitude prob

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the gutsto bite people themselves.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm just a carrier.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 31 March 2016
  • Currently 1.80/10

Rating: 1.8/10 (5)

The European Union commissione....

The European Union commissioners have announced that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy.
Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing public enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 persent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the language is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v".
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud, of kors, be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German lik zey vunted in ze forst plas.
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Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 09 August 2018
  • Currently 8.13/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (46)

Chuck Norris once ordered a st...

Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 09 August 2011
  • Currently 3.04/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (46)

Faster than a speeding bullet....

Faster than a speeding bullet...more powerful than a locomotive...able to leap tall buildings in a single bound...yes, these are some of Chuck Norris' warm-up exercises.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 09 August 2011
  • Currently 2.38/10

Rating: 2.4/10 (40)

Kumail Nanjiani: Hogwarts Curriculum

Heres my only thing with Harry Potter... They go to this school, and they take classes like Defense Against the Dark Arts and Potions and Divination, but they should be taking math also, right? Why are there no math teachers at Hogwarts? Or history, or geography? Theyre getting tested on Care of Magical Creatures -- never heard of the Holocaust.
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Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 09 August 2011
  • Currently 3.89/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (35)

A guy was driving when a polic...

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?" 
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?" 
The driver thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license." The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smart butt when he's drunk and stoned." The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!" 
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
#joke #policeman
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 09 August 2010
  • Currently 5.79/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (28)

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