Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 13 August 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 13 August 2019
  • Currently 9.54/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (1950)

News photographer on plane

His request approved, the news photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, ‘Let’s go’. The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, ‘Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.’

‘Why?’ asked the pilot.

‘Because I’m a photographer for cable news,’ he responded. ‘And I need to get some close up shots.’

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, ‘So, what you’re telling me, is… you’re NOT my flight instructor?’

Found on http://www.americanflyersmorristown.net, posted on November 2009 Newsletter

#joke
Joke | Source: John Chris - Funny jokes collected from all around
  • Currently 9.67/10

Rating: 9.7/10 (15)

Confused baby ant

Why was the baby ant so confused?

Because all his uncles were ants.

Found on https://www.flashcardmachine.com/jokes1.html , posted on May 17th 2007

#joke #short #pun
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 6.44/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (9)

Who is groundhog

“A groundhog is the guy who drank all his coffee.”

#joke #short #pun
Joke | Source: Pun of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous puns on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 3.75/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (8)

Little Messages

Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles...
He kept leaving little messages around the house.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 9.00/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (14)

Tea set

A girl was given a tea set for her second birthday. It became one of her favorite toys, and when her mother went away for a few weeks to care for her sick aunt, the toddler loved to take her father a little cup of tea, which was just water really, while he was engrossed watching the news on TV. He sipped each "cup of tea" he was brought and lavished generous praise on the taste, leaving the little girl immensely proud.

Eventually the mother returned home and the father couldn't wait to show her how his little princess had been looking after him. On cue, the girl took him his "cup of tea" and he sipped it before praising it to the heavens.

The mother watched him drink it and said: "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 9.08/10

Rating: 9.1/10 (25)

 Business One-liners 75


In every work of genius we recognize our rejected thoughts.
In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it.
In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe is composed of only two basic substances: magic and lies.
In the fight between you and the world, back the world.
Incompetence is a double-edged banana.
Influence is like a savings account. The less you use it, the more you've got. - Andrew Young, American politician
Inspiration and perspiration are related by more than rhyme.
Intelligence is a tool to be used towards a goal, and goals are not always chosen intelligently. - Larry Niven 'Protector'
Interchangable parts won't.
Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place.
It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 30 July 2017
  • Currently 6.71/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (7)

What is hidden in 3D image?

Stereogram - 3D Image
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Two lawyers...

Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.

The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"

"I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 18 August 2016
  • Currently 4.14/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (7)

A man called to testify at the

A man called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.
"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma."Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest.
"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."
The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?!"
"Simple", replied the Priest...
"It doesn't matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 18 June 2016
  • Currently 8.56/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (16)

Chuck Norris got shot. We are ...

Chuck Norris got shot. We are now in the hospital, where the bullet is in critical condition.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 13 August 2014
  • Currently 6.78/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (54)

Where No Man has gon

Two young brothers, aged 5 and 6, are listening through the keyhole as their older sister is getting it on with her new boyfriend.

They hear her say, "Oh, Jim, you're going where no man has gone before!"

The six-year-old says to his brother, "He must be fucking her up the ass!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 13 August 2011
  • Currently 2.20/10

Rating: 2.2/10 (46)

There used to be a street name...

There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 13 August 2011
  • Currently 3.16/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (45)

Man Talks to God

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 13 August 2009
  • Currently 3.93/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (30)

A major network is planning th...

A major network is planning the show "Survivor" this winter. In response, Texas is planning "Survivor, Texas Style." The contestants will start in Dallas, travel through Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston, and down to Brownsville. They will proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland/Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they proceed to Abilene, and on to Ft. Worth and back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm gay, I voted for Al Gore, and I'm here to confiscate your guns."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 13 August 2010
  • Currently 6.14/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (29)

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