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Jokes of the day for Saturday, 24 August 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 24 August 2019

David Copperfield is doing his

David Copperfield is doing his magic show and asks if anyone would like to show him a trick.
"I will", replies a guy in the audience, "but I'm going to need your wife Claudia and a table."
"Ok", says David and the guy gets on stage.
He then bends Claudia over the table, pulls down her knickers and starts f**king her from behind.
David is now very pissed off and says, "That isn't a trick!!!"
The guy just looks at David Copperfield and replies, "I know, it's f**king magic."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (11)

"What Happens Here, Stays Here

"What Happens Here, Stays Here" is getting old, so a contest is being held for new slogans. Here are the leading contenders:
1) Las Vegas: Better than Detroit (Actually, this works for any city.)
2) It's The Gambling, Stupid
3) You're Broke, Hung Over and Pissed. Now Go Home
4) Where Luck Goes to Die
5) More Than Thirty Million Schmucks a Year Can't Be Wrong
6) We've Got What It Takes To Take What You've Got
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (10)

SLIDESHOW #40 - Funny Photo Slideshow

 Answering Machine Message 152


Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 3.60/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (5)

Car Doors Recess

Little Johnny, on recess, was carrying a car door while playing outside with his buddies on a very hot day.
His teacher called him over to ask, "Why?"
Little Johnny replied, "If I get too hot, I can roll down the car window!"

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (11)

Eels being friendly

“Groups of eels that value being friendly with one another are social morays.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 2.83/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (12)

Traffic court

A man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.

"What for?" he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."

The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 29 August 2016
  • Currently 7.33/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (12)

A doctor is complaining to a mechanic...

A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, "Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care."

"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month."

#joke #short #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 24 August 2011
  • Currently 4.64/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (50)

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabe

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.
They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."
The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."
The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."
Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?
"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 24 August 2016
  • Currently 7.79/10

Rating: 7.8/10 (47)

A blonde is swimming in a rive...

A blonde is swimming in a river. A man walks up and asks her, "What are you doing in there?" She says, "I'm washing my clothes." The man asks, "Why don't you use a washing machine?" The blonde says, "I tried that, but it was too dizzy.
#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 24 August 2014
  • Currently 5.07/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (41)

A housewife with three young c...

A housewife with three young children was getting dinner ready when the phone rang. The six-year-old picked it up and said, "Hi, Daddy!" and she began telling him about her day.
She then passed the phone to her brother and sister as was the custom whenever Daddy called from work.
When it was finally the wife's turn to talk she took the receiver and said, "Hi, honey."
"Thank goodness, lady," the voice on the other end replied. "I just called to tell you that the wallpaper you ordered is here!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 24 August 2016
  • Currently 4.46/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (35)

Blonde in a Pet Store

A blonde lady in the pet shop asks about buying a gold fish.
The salesperson ask if she needed an aquarium.
Her reply, 'I don't care what sign it is.'

#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 24 August 2018
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (30)

How Much

Hey, cabby! How much to take me to the station?

"Five bucks, sir."

"And how much for my suitcase?"

"No charge for the suitcase, sir."

"Okay. Take the case and I'll walk."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 30 September 2015
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Faith

Two nuns were driving down a country road when they ran out of gas. They walked to a farmhouse and a farmer gave them some gasoline; but the only container he had was an old bedpan. The nuns were happy to take whatever they were offered and returned to their car. As they were pouring the gasoline from the bedpan into the tank of their car, a minister drove by. He stopped, rolled down his window and said, "Excuse me, sisters. I'm not of your religion, but I couldn't help admiring your faith....!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 15 October 2015
  • Currently 8.73/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (11)

Infrequently

An elderly couple who are both widowed have been courting for a long time.

They decide it's finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they go out to dinner and talk about how their marriage might work.

They discuss finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the man broaches the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asks, rather tentatively.

"I would like it infrequently," replies the old lady.

The old gentleman sits quietly for a moment, adjusts his glasses, leans over towards her and whispers: "Is that one word or two?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 12 March 2015
  • Currently 9.00/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (14)

An elderly man and woman meet ...

An elderly man and woman meet in a bar and get to talking. They are enjoying their conversation so much that, when the bar closes, they decide to continue at the woman's apartment. After a time, things start getting pretty romantic and they wind up in bed. Afterward, they're both laying there, staring at the ceiling.

The old man is thinking... "Gosh, if I had known she was a virgin, I would have been more careful with her."

The old lady is thinking... "Geez, if I had known he could get it up, I would have taken off my panties."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 26 November 2010
  • Currently 7.19/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (42)

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