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Jokes of the day for Friday, 30 August 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 30 August 2019

Can I Go Out To Play

Child: "Mom, can I go out to play?"
Mom: "What? With those holes in your pants?"
Child: (looking down at his pants) "No, with the kids next door..."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 7.59/10

Rating: 7.6/10 (17)

“Why was the eagle in

“Why was the eagle in handcuffs? The police thought he was a flight risk!”

#joke #short
  • Currently 2.69/10

Rating: 2.7/10 (13)

SLIDESHOW #123 - Funny Photo Slideshow

A young woman gazed up from he

A young woman gazed up from her hospital bed at the very handsome doctor who was examining her chart. She fluttered her eyelids and said, "They tell me that you are a real lady killer."
The doctor smiled and shook his head. "No, I make no distinction between the sexes."
#joke #short #doctor
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 8.56/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (16)

A man was walking in the stree

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice."Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brickwill fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front ofhim. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross theroad. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still!If you take one more step a car will run over you andyou will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car camecareening around the corner, barely missing him. "Whereare you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were youwhen I got married?"
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 6.85/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (13)

 Lightbulb Joke Collection 48


Q: How many Alaskan women does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "Hey Bob, this is Carol ... I think I have a lightbulb out over here."

Q: How many Alaskan men does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Oh, none ... they just have one of their girlfriends do it. [bitter laugh]
Q: How many Beverly Hills residents does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, they have a service come in and do that.
Q: How many Austinites/Berkeleyites/Boulderites does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb and four to talk about how much better it was in the Sixties.
Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: Three - one to change the light bulb and two to say "Oh Wow!"
Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: Five - one to screw it in and four to sit in the hot tub and discuss the environmental impact.
Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: Eleven. One to change it and ten to follow the trend.
Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: Six. One to screw it in, one for support, and four to share the experience. This joke was once overheard being told by a lecturer to a class of students during a lecture, in order to make a point about the fact that only one student was doing any work at the terminal while a whole bunch had crowded round to watch - sharing the experience of him doing the work.

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 1.80/10

Rating: 1.8/10 (5)

Signs of the times....

These are supposedly actual signs. You be the judge. Whether or not they are real, they sure are funny!

In the front yard of a funeral home,
'Drive carefully, we'll wait.'

On an electrician's truck,
'Let us remove your shorts.'

Outside a radiator repair shop,
'Best place in town to take a leak.'

In a nonsmoking area,
'If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'

On a maternity room door,
'Push, Push, Push.'

On a front door,
'Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.'

At an optometrist's office,
'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'

On a taxidermist's window,
'We really know our stuff.'

On a butcher's window,
'Let me meat your needs.'

On a fence,
'Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.'

At a car dealership,
'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'

Outside a muffler shop,
'No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.'

In a dry cleaner's emporium,
'Drop your pants here.'

On a desk in a reception room,
'We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.'

In a veterinarian's waiting room,
'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'

In a Beauty Shop,
'Dye now!'

In a restaurant window,
'Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.'

Inside a bowling alley,
'Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.'

In a cafeteria,
'Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.'

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 04 September 2016
  • Currently 8.47/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (15)

Cured!

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under ... you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 30 August 2017
  • Currently 8.95/10

Rating: 8.9/10 (73)

A burglar broke into a house o...

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a be*l he heard
'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 30 August 2016
  • Currently 9.09/10

Rating: 9.1/10 (55)

In a tagteam match, Chuck Norr...

In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 30 August 2011
  • Currently 3.20/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (49)

Vegas high roller

This guy goes out to Las Vegas, and wins really big in one of the casinos. After winning fifty thousand dollars at the crap table, the casino decides to give the guy a night in the penthouse suite. The guy goes up to the room, opens the big double doors, and steps into a three room suite. The room is nothing but windows, with a fantastic view of the city. The guy drops his bag on money in a chair and stands looking out the windows at the city. He realizes he is all alone and needs someone to share his good fortune with. He calls down to the front desk and tells the clerk to send up one of the best high-priced call girls in the city.

Thirty minutes later there’s a knock on the door. The guy opens it and there is the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen. Long blond hair, short red dress, and spiked heels. She walks into the room. The guy goes over to the bar and fixes two drinks, he gives one to the hooker, and drinks one himself. "Now, down to business," he says, "how much for a hand job?"

The hooker says, "Honey, a hand job is $500.00"

"What, that’s outrageous.

"Come over here," She says walking toward one of the windows," see that strip mall over there," pointing out the window, "I own the last two stores on the end. I was able to buy those stores with the money I saved from giving hand jobs. I must be pretty damn good.

"All right, screw it, money is no object."

A half hour after she’s done the guy is sitting on the couch reveling in ecstasy. He gets up, goes to the bar and makes two more drinks. He gives one to the hooker and drinks one himself. "That was the best hand job I have ever had. How much for a blow job?

"Honey, a blow job is $5000.00."

"What, that’s outrageous."

"Come over here," She says walking toward another one of the window, see that hotel and casino over there on the corner," pointing out the window, "I own that, I was able to buy it with the money I saved from giving blow jobs. I must be pretty damn good.

"All right, screw it, money is no object." The guy gives her $5000.00. An hour after she’s done the guy is laying on the couch Head rolled back, eyes rolled up inside his head, a little drool coming out of the corner of his mouth. He gets up, barely able to stand, staggers over to the bar, mixes two more drinks ,gives one to the hooker, and drinks one himself.

"My god that was the best blow job I have ever had, I’ve gotta know, How much for some pussy?"

The hooker looks at him and says, " Honey if I had a pussy, I would own this whole city."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 30 August 2011
  • Currently 5.96/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (48)

Jay Larson: Embarrassing Purchase

I bought a plunger the other day. You ever bought a plunger? Its an embarrassing purchase. At first, you think its no big deal. Stand in the line, swinging it. And then you realize everybody knows; you got a situation at home. Nobody buys a plunger on a whim.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 30 August 2011
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (45)

No room at the inn

By the time the sailor pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past.

I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning, the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?" "Nope. I shut him up in no time," said the Navy guy.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the sailor explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight beautiful,'

...and he sat up all night watching me."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 26 October 2016
  • Currently 8.47/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (15)

Country with no R

Geography teacher asked if I could name a country with no R in it.
I said, "No way."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 7.70/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (10)

Greg Giraldo: Dodgeball Skills

Part of growing up is learning your strengths and weaknesses. What better way to figure out that hand-eye coordination aint your thing than by getting drilled in the mouth by a red, rubber ball? You only gotta get beaned in the face so many times before you figure out, I better hit the books because this is not working out.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 14 August 2010
  • Currently 4.20/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (15)

A Faithful Woman

An elderly Muslim lady was well-known for her faith and for her confidence in talking about it. She would stand in front of her house and say "Allah be praised" to all those who passed by.
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"
Hard times came upon the elderly lady, and she prayed for Allah to send her some assistance. She would pray out loud in her night prayer "Oh Allah! I need food!! I am having a hard time, please Lord, PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"
One night the atheist happened to hear her as she was praying, and decided to play a prank on her. The next morning the lady went out on her porch and found a large bag of groceries. She raised her hands and shouted, "Allah be praised!."
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."
The old lady laughed and clapped her hands and said, "ALLAH BE PRAISED. He not only sent me groceries, but he made the devil pay for them!"

#joke #prank
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 11 February 2010
  • Currently 7.05/10

Rating: 7.0/10 (42)

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