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Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 04 September 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 04 September 2019

Labor Day

Do you know what Labor Day is?
Mommy's sure do!

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 2.44/10

Rating: 2.4/10 (9)

While waiting at the bus stop,

While waiting at the bus stop, a man with a stutter asked another, "E-e-excuse m-me, w-w-what t-time is it?"
The other man didn't reply. Again, the man asked, "E-excuse m-m-me, c-can y-you t-t-tell me w-what t-time it is?"
Once again, the other man didn't reply. The man with the stutter got angry and stormed off.
A third man, having witnessed the whole ordeal, asked the silent man, "Why didn't you just answer the man's question?"
The silent man said, "Th-there w-w-would have b-been a f-fight."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 5.47/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (15)

SLIDESHOW #23 - Funny Photo Slideshow

An unlucky skydiver

“An unlucky skydiver's last pun: 'Ah chute!'”

#joke #short
  • Currently 1.67/10

Rating: 1.7/10 (6)

 You Might Be A Redneck If 12


You might be a redneck if...
Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.
In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

"This is like deja vu all over

"This is like deja vu all over again."
"You can observe a lot just by watching."
"He must have made that before he died." -- Referring to a Steve McQueen movie.
"I want to thank you for making this day necessary." -- On Yogi Berra Appreciation Day in St. Louis in 1947.
"I'd find the fellow who lost it, and, if he was poor, I'd return it." -- When asked what he would do if he found a million dollars.
"Think! How the hell are you gonna think and hit at the same time?"
"You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there."
"I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early."
"If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else."
"If you can't imitate him, don't copy him."
"You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six."
"Baseball is 90% mental -- the other half is physical."
"It was impossible to get a conversation going; everybody was talking too much."
"Slump? I ain't in no slump. I just ain't hitting."
"A nickel isn't worth a dime today."
"Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded."
"It gets late early out there." -- Referring to the bad sun conditions in left field at the stadium.
"Glen Cove." -- Referring to Glenn Close on a movie review television show.
Once, Yogi's wife Carmen asked, "Yogi, you are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York. If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?" Yogi replied, "Surprise me."
"Do you mean now?" -- When asked for the time.
"I take a two hour nap, from one o'clock to four."
"When you come to a fork in the road, take it."
"You give 100 percent in the first half of the game, and if that isn't enough in the second half you give what's left."
"90% of the putts that are short don't go in."
"I made a wrong mistake."
"Texas has a lot of electrical votes." -- During an election campaign, after George Bush stated that Texas was important to the election.
"Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself." -- After being told he looked cool.
"I always thought that record would stand until it was broken."
"Yeah, but we're making great time!" -- In reply to "Hey Yogi, I think we're lost."
"If the fans don't come out to the ball park, you can't stop them."
"Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel."
"It's never happened in the World Series competition, and it still hasn't."
"How long have you known me, Jack? And you still don't know how to spell my name." -- Upon receiving a check from Jack Buck made out to "bearer."
"I'd say he's done more than that." -- When asked if first baseman Don Mattingly had exceeded expectations for the current season.
"The other teams could make trouble for us if they win."
"He can run anytime he wants. I'm giving him the red light." -- On the acquisition of fleet Ricky Henderson.
"I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat, and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?"
"It ain't the heat; it's the humility."
"The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase."
"You should always go to other people's funerals; otherwise, they won't come to yours."
"I didn't really say everything I said."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 05 November 2017
  • Currently 6.80/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (10)

A note from mom...

John, a well-to-do bachelor, invited his mother over for dinner one night. During the meal, Mom couldn't help notice how attractive and shapely the house keeper was, and wondered if there was more going on than meets the eye. John sensing what his mother was thinking said to her "I know what you're thinking, Mom, but I assure you my relationship with the house keeper is purely professional."

A week later, the house keeper told John that ever since his mother's visit a silver gravy ladle has been missing. John sent his mother a note which said, "Mom, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle, and I'm not saying you didn't, but the fact remains one has been missing since you were here".

A few days later he receives a note from his mother. "John: I'm not saying you sleep with your house keeper, nor am I saying you're not. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom".

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 09 September 2016
  • Currently 9.24/10

Rating: 9.2/10 (42)

Free Drinks For Everyone

One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 04 September 2017
  • Currently 8.06/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (49)

No a Member

Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either."

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.

"Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 04 September 2011
  • Currently 7.02/10

Rating: 7.0/10 (49)

Two Priests on Vacation

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and etc.

The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their “tourist” garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a “drop dead gorgeous” blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, “Good morning, Father” – “Good morning, Father,” nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?

The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits-these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them-and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc.

After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.)

Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: “Good morning, Father,” “Good morning Father,” and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it and said. “Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?”

“Oh, Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Angela!”

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 04 September 2011
  • Currently 6.07/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (45)

When you say "no one's perfect...

When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris takes it as a personal insult.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 04 September 2011
  • Currently 2.86/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (44)

Brian Regan: Pick Somebody at Random

You know whats fun? You pick somebody at random, like out of the phone book, and send them about 100 Just Because cards. They cant even ask you why you did it.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 04 September 2011
  • Currently 5.02/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (42)

Evil Lessons

My wife has evil lessons with Satan every week...
I don’t know how much she charges.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.60/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (10)

Outdoorsy Man

During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level

He described a typical day this way: 'Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.' Inspired by the story, the doctor said, 'You must be one hell of an outdoors man!' 'NAH,' he replied, 'I'm just a shitty golfer.'

#joke #doctor #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 07 August 2017
  • Currently 8.61/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (49)

Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Why is 6 afraid of 7? 
Because 7,8,9.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 08 November 2014
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (7)

Cabbie

One dismal rainy night in Sydney a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.

Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

'Where to?' he stammered.

'Kings Cross,' answered the woman.

'You got it,' he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, 'Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?'

'Well, madam,' he answered, 'I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare.'

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said,

'Does this answer your question?'

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, 'Got anything smaller?'

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 17 August 2010
  • Currently 5.78/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (40)

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