Jokes of the day for Saturday, 14 September 2019

Typical nasty weather

Picture England, it's the early evening on a regular muggy day, a light drizzle splashes on the street. A drunkard leans on the gate in front of his house, looking across the street at a dashing young man talking to ladies as they stroll by his home.
Sometimes the young man takes the lady upstairs and comes back down smiling with her, other times she becomes offended, he says something else and she smiles and nods understandingly. Eventually the drunkard gets curious and crosses the street to ask him what's going on.
"Hello sir, now what's going on right here?" he asks.
The young man smiles and says, "Yes, I saw you watching. Well, whenever a lovely young bird comes by, I say to her, 'tickle your a** with a feather?' If she agrees we go upstairs and have some fun. Now if she is offended, I say to her, 'typical nasty weather.' She assumes she has misheard and goes about her business."
Thinking this is brilliant the drunkard goes home to try it out. A voluptuous woman comes by and he leans in and says to her, "Oi, can I stick a feather up yer ass?"
Startled she cries, "What!?"
He smiles and says, "Bloody rain!"

 Scary Collection 62

A witch joke
What kind of tests do they give in witch school?
Hex-aminations!

A witch joke
What do you call a witch that stays out all night?
A fresh air freak!

A witch joke
What do you get if you cross an owl with a witch?
A bird that's ugly but doesn't give a hoot!

A witch joke
What goes cackle, cackle, boom?
A witch in a minefield!
A witch joke
What is the difference between a musician and a dead witch?
One composes and the other decomposes!

A witch joke
Why did the witch go to the psychiatrist?
Because she thought everybody loved her!

A witch joke
What usually runs in witches' families?
Noses!

You Must Be A Visionary

Two boys were fishing on the bank of a river. The one boy remarked that being a visionary must be very difficult. He went on to say much more and added that visionaries are seldom understood in they're life time.
The other boy replied, "Then you must be a visionary, cause I have no idea what you’re talking about!"

Weight puns

“Everyone hated my weight puns. They all left en mass.”

Last requests

Mary Clancy goes up to Father McGuire after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun.' "

One wish

A guy walking along the beach finds a bottle and picks it up.

A genie pops out and says, "Thanks for letting me out. For your kindness I will grant you one wish."

The guys says, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I can't because I'm afraid to fly and ships make me deathly sick. My wish is for you to build a road from here to Hawaii."

The genie says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Think of the huge pilings we'd need to hold up that highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. And think of all the cement that would be needed. Plus, since it's such a long span, there would have to be gas stations and rest stops along the way. No, that's just too much to ask. Impossible."

The guy says, "Well, there is one thing I've always wanted to know. I'd like to be able to understand women...what makes them laugh and cry...you know, what makes them tick."

The genie thinks a second, then asks, "You want two lanes or four?'

Chuck Norris once pulled out a...

Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.

Modern Science

Researchers say they've discovered a tree extract that could

help to prevent herpes...

.. Must be a rubber tree...

Shhhh!

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

John Mulaney: Benchwarmer Humiliation

I played basketball for five years, and I was a benchwarmer all five years. If you were never a benchwarmer, I cannot express to you the humiliation of, every Saturday morning, putting on a pair of breakaway pants and never having a reason to break them away -- then theyre just pants.

A Dollar for Sunday School

A little boy came home eating a big candy bar. Seeing the candy bar, his mother remembered he had already spent all his allowance money. Surprised, she asked him where he got it. "I bought it at the store with the dollar you gave me," he said."But that dollar was for Sunday School," his mother replied. Smiling, the boy said, "I know, Mom, but the Pastor met me at the door and got me in for free!"

Pain Relief

Every time I get a headache I take 2 Ibuprofen and keep away from my children...
Just like the bottle says.

John Caparulo: Yard Sales on Memorial Day

Every year back in Ohio, we would have yard sales on Memorial Day weekend, so its like Mardi Gras for white trash.

The Fortune Teller

A man goes to visit a fortune teller. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your wife will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the man stares at the fortune teller's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
He took a few deep breaths to compose himself. He simply had to know. He met the fortune-teller's gaze, steadied his voice, and asked his question:

"Will I be found guilty?"      

Two rednecks are walking down...

Two rednecks are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?"
"Jus' some chickens."
"If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?"
"Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them."
"OK. Umm... five?"