Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 18 September 2019

How's Norma?

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked,

'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?'

The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?'

The grandmother, in her weak tremulous voice said, ''Norma Findlay, Room 302.'

The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.'

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Oh, I have good news. Her nurse told me that Norma is doing very well.. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work is normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.'

The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.'

The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?'

The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me s**t.'

Found on https://allnurses.com/norma-t270187/, posted on Mar 22, 2009 by HeartsOpenWide.

If I had a nickel

“If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I'd have a pun per nickel.”

Pure Witticisms

I started out with nothing... I still have most of it.

Some days you're the dog, some days the hydrant.

I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

If all is not lost, where is it?

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.

The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.

I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.

It was all so different before everything changed.

Nostalgia isn't what is used to be.

Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.

A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.

I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip round the sun.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).

If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

It's not hard to meet expenses… they're everywhere.

Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.

Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.

A Hippie's Wife

What do you call a hippie's wife?
Mississippi.

 Watching For Suicide

Why do they put a suicide watch on death row prisoners? Why would you care if a man you're planning to kill anyway, kills himself? Does it spoil the fun?
I also think about the death row prisoner in Texas who, on the day before his execution, managed to take a drug overdose. They rushed him to a hospital, saved his life, then brought him back to prison and killed him.
Apparently, just to anger him.

Totally miserable men

Before Linda became engaged, she was quite the beauty, and didn't mind letting her boyfriend know it, too:

"A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry."she told him.

"Really?" asked the boyfriend, "And just how many men are you planning to marry?"

True or false...

A little kid's in school, taking a true-false test and he's flipping a coin. At the end of the test he's flipping the coin again. The teacher says, "What are you doing?" He says, "Checking my answers."

Tired sperm

Two sperms were swimming along when one says to the other "Man I'm getting tired, how far is it to the uterus anyway?"

The other sperm laughs and says "Uterus!, we aren't even through the esophagus yet."

Submitted by curtis

Edited by calamjo, Tantilazing and hottrouble1

A young man at this constructi...

A young man at this construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workman. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. 
"Why don't you put your money where you mouth is?" he said. "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won't be able to wheel back." 
"You're on, old man," the young man replied. "Let's see what you've got." 
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, "All right. Get in."

Wedding a Virgin

A man longs to wed a maiden with her virtue intact. He searches for one but resigns himself to the fact that every female over the age of 10 in his town has been at it.

Finally he decides to take matters in hand and adopts a baby girl from the orphanage. He raises her until she is walking and talking and then sends her away to a monastery for safekeeping until marrying age. After many years she finally reaches maturity and he retrieves her from the monastery and marries her.

After the wedding they make their way back to his house and into the bedroom where they both prepare themselves for the consummation. They lie down together in his bed and he reaches over for a jar of petroleum jelly.

"Why the jelly," she asks him?

"So I do not hurt your most delicate parts during the act of lovemaking," he replies.

"Well why don't you just spit on your cock like the monks did?!"

Thai Rivera: Paying Customer

I cant stand homeless people. I dont feel bad about saying it. I dont mind saying it because I give homeless people money. I give them more money than I should, so I feel, as a paying customer, I have a right to complain.

In a tiny village lived an old

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she wasstill a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days weregetting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted thefollowing inscription on her tombstone:
"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin"
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. The undertaker, true tohis word, instructed his men to inscribe on the tombstone what thelady had requested. The men went to carve it, but as they were lazyand it was close to quitting time, they decided the inscription wasunnecessarily long. So they simply carved:
"Returned unopened."

Resolving to surprise her husb...

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

There was a farmer who grew wa...

There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons.
After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next night, the kids showed up and they saw the sign which read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."
The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons were missing, but the sign next to his read, "Now there are two!"

14 Jokes to brighten your day

A termite walks into a bar and asks
- Is the bar tender here?

What do you call a caveman's fart?
A blast from the past.

I was having a bad day, and my friend said,
'At least you're not stuck in a hole in the ground full of water.'
I knew he meant well.

A guy walks into a doctor's office, butt ass naked, but wrapped head-to-toe in cellophane.
The doctor takes one look at the guy and says,
'Well...I can clearly see your nuts.'

- Why couldn't the lifeguard rescue the hippie?'
- Because he was too far out, man.

The chicken and the egg are in bed.
The chicken rolls over and lights a cigarette, and the egg says,
'Well, I guess that answers *that* question.'

Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

Why don't anteaters ever get sick?
Because they are full of little anty-bodies.

A tire thief is at large ...
and the police are working tirelessly to catch him.

A man went to see his doctor and the doctor said to him,
'I have some bad news and some worse news for you.'
So the man asks, 'OK, so what’s the bad news?'
The doctor says, 'You only have 24 hours to live.'
The man, obviously shocked by this, says, 'Oh my god, that’s terrible!'
Then he says, 'Wait a minute — what’s the worse news?'
Doctor: 'I should have told you yesterday.'

Two men are standing by the roadside when a tractor drives past.
The driver is ranting and shouting, 'The end of the world is nigh!'
One guy says, 'Oh no, we’re all gonna die, what shall we do?'
His friend replies, 'Don’t worry about him, that’s just Farmer Geddon!'

How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes a long time and the light bulb has to want to change.

How do ghosts go through locked doors?
AWith a skeleton key!

What did the zero say to the eight?
'Nice belt.'