Jokes of the day for Monday, 07 October 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 07 October 2019
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

Mary's List

Mary's list for the throughout the ages...

What I Want in a Man, Original List
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where the bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
2. He doesn't miss the toilet.

#joke
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 2.86/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (7)

“I got a red card at

“I got a red card at the football match. I soccer punched an opponent.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous puns on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

 The Greatest Fool.

The First Fool want to pluck a Mango ,he climbed the tree to find out whether the Mango was ripped .He climbed down when he found out that the mango was ripped and picked up a stone and started stoning the Mango but none felled down .The second fool was hungry but he had a little garri which he felt would not be enough for him .since he wanted the garri to swell up he purred it to the River.The third fool was travelling on a foot and came across a heap of fresh excreta he bend down and taste it to find out what it is .he said thank god I don’t step on it.
#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 1.24/10

Rating: 1.2/10 (17)

Stability

I started out with nothing...
And I still have most of it.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

A salesman was testifying in h

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife.
"Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's infidelity."
"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife."
"One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'"
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.71/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (14)

Three old Italian spinsters di

Three old Italian spinsters die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter.
He says "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be.
The first spinster says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini" replies the old spinster.
St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The old gal then takes a newspaper out of her purse and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No, my dear woman, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

Calculate the number 623

NUMBERMANIA: Calculate the number 623 using numbers [1, 2, 1, 5, 24, 338] and basic arithmetic operations (+, -, *, /). Each of the numbers can be used only once.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Football Tryout

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line.

When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, 'You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus.' 'Forget the bonus,' the turkey said, 'All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?'

#joke #thanksgiving
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 12 October 2016
  • Currently 7.17/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (24)

Pete Holmes: Uncool in Dreams

I cant seal the deal in my dreams. I hit on women in real life and theyre like, In your dreams. Im like, No. Not even there.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 07 October 2011
  • Currently 4.78/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (36)

Dirty Paddy

An Irish wife was having a shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards, she slipped over and did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband. 'Paddy! Paddy!' she yelled.

Paddy came running in. 'Paddy I've suctioned myself to the floor,' she said.

'Ohhh nooo! Paddy said and tried to pull her up. 'You're just too heavy, love. I'll go across the road and get Shamus.'

Paddy comes back with Shamus and they both tried to pull her up.

'Nope, I can't do it,' Shamus said, 'Let's try plan C.'

'Plan C?' exclaimed Paddy. 'What's that?'

'I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we will break the tiles under her.'

'Oh okay,' Paddy said. 'While you're doing that I'll stay here and play with her tits.'

'Play with her tits?' Shamus said. 'Why would you do that? This is hardly the time.'

Paddy replied, 'Well, I figure if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive to replace.'

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 07 October 2010
  • Currently 5.09/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (33)

Have faith...

A climber fell off a cliff, and as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch wedged in the rock.

"HELP! IS THERE ANYBODY UP THERE?" he shouted.

A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:

"I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me."

"Yes, yes, I trust you!" cried the man.

"Let go of the branch," boomed the voice.

There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "IS THERE ANYONE ELSE UP THERE I COULD TALK TO?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 07 October 2008
  • Currently 5.50/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (28)

Carl was talking to a girl in

Carl was talking to a girl in a New York City bar. He asked, "Can I get you a drink?"
The girl replied, "Certainly."
Carl then asked, "What would you like?"
The girl said, "Champagne."
Carl then asked, "Why Champagne?"
The girl replied, "Because when I drink champagne I imagine I am a goddess on the Nile, draped in a long robe, relaxing peacefully, with servants fanning me and dropping peeled grapes into my mouth."
Curious, Carl asked her, "What if I just buy you a draft beer?"
The girl replied, "I'll cut wet farts all night."
#joke #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 07 October 2017
  • Currently 4.40/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (25)

Why did the blonde t

Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car? A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 07 October 2011
  • Currently 5.13/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (24)

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