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Jokes of the day for Friday, 11 October 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 11 October 2019

Frank Caliendo on Letterman

 

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 8.75/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (4)

The first carpenter

“The first carpenter to sail around the world took his screw with him.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (11)

SLIDESHOW #103 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Refrigerator

It was four in the morning when Mr. Dartle's phone rang. The voice at the other end was pleasant and sweet. "I'm Mrs. Weber, and I would like to tell you that the refrigerator I bought in your store works like a charm."

Mr. Dartle said, "Thank you. But why call me about it at four in the morning?"

Mrs. Weber said, "Because they just delivered it!"

#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 4.44/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (9)

A Sure Bet

Overheard at the race track...
Bettor: “I’m betting on a horse that is 20 to 1 and I can’t lose.
Friend: “What do you mean 'you can’t lose’?”
Bettor: “I can’t lose, the horse is starting at 20 to 1 and the race doesn’t start till 1.”

#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

 You Should Learn To Be More Polite


One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.
Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"
Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"
Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."
Bill: "What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?"

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (7)

Death at Jerusalem

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 8.44/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (9)

Increase the donation

The crumbling, old church building needed remodeling, so the preacher made an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest may in town. At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000."

Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly stood again and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000."

Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge."

He sat down, and an larger chunk of plaster fell hitting him on the head. He stood once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!"

This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 16 October 2016
  • Currently 7.87/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (15)

A student would do anything

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly.
"I would do anything to pass this exam," she says.
She leans closer to him,
flips back her hair,
and gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
"I mean,"
she whispers,
"I would do anything..."
He returns her gaze,
"Anything?"
"Anything."
His voice softens,
"Anything?"
"Anything,"
she repeats again.
His voice turns to a whisper.
"Would you
... study?"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 11 October 2012
  • Currently 8.61/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (44)

Nun of Your Business

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, This is for washing our hair.
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.
The curlers are on me.

#joke #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 11 October 2009
  • Currently 7.19/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (43)

Excuses!

A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.

After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.

Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.

He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife.

After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.

Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!"

"Hell, that's nothing" she answered, ripping open her blouse. "Look what he did to my tits!"

Submitted by Glaci

Edited by Curtis

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 11 October 2011
  • Currently 5.36/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (39)

A drunk at the bar

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and - still politely if not more firmly - refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 11 October 2017
  • Currently 8.11/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (36)

Paul Varghese: Buying a Convertible

I was actually thinking about buying a convertible... But then I thought, what if I was at a stoplight -- how would I avoid the homeless guy?
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 11 October 2011
  • Currently 4.12/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (33)

Oops

A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead.
"Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!"
At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead.
"Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?"
"Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse.
Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life. "Nurse," asks the doctor, "did you prick his boil?"
"OH MY GOODNESS!" replies the nurse.

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 07 June 2018
  • Currently 3.58/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (12)

Best room in the hotel?

The drunk staggered up to the hotel reception and demanded his room be changed.

"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."

"I insist on another room!!" said the drunk.

"Very good, sir. I`ll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.

"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 28 August 2016
  • Currently 6.30/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (33)

One Sunday a pastor told the c...

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
#joke #thanksgiving
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 04 March 2015
  • Currently 8.49/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (51)

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