Jokes of the day for Thursday, 31 October 2019
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 31 October 2019 |
Quite the Difference
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub.
It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
12 Funny Halloween Ghost Jokes
Q) Why did the policeman ticket the ghost on Halloween?
A) It didn’t have a haunting license.
Q) What are a ghost’s favorite rides at the fair?
A) The scary-go-round and rollerghoster!
Q) Why couldn’t the ghost see its mom and dad?
A) Because they were trans-parents!
Q) Which ghost is the best dancer?
A) The Boogie Man!
Q) Why do ghosts like to ride in elevators?
A) It raises their spirits.
Q) What do you get if you cross Bambi with a ghost?
A)Bamboo.
Q) Why don’t ghosts like rain on Halloween?
A) It dampens their spirits!
Q) What part of a house do ghosts and spirits avoid?
A) The living room.
Q) Why are ghosts such terrible liars?
A) Because you can see right through them.
Q) How did the little ghost learn to play the piano?
A) By using sheet music
Q) Why did the ghost go into the bar?
A) For the Boos.
Q) Where does a ghost go on vacation?
A) Mali-boo.
10 Vampire Jokes for Halloween
Why didn't anyone want to babysit the little vampire?
A) Because he was a pain in the neck.
What is Dracula's favorite place in New York City?
A) The Vampire State Building
What did the little vampire say when he went to bed?
A) Turn on the dark, I am afraid of the light.
What did the vampire say to his victim?
A) It's been nice gnawing you.
Why do little vampires look forward to school lunches?
A) Because they know they won't get stake.
Who did Dracula take out on a date?
A) His ghoul friend
What do vampires fear the most?
A) Tooth decay
How do you join Dracula's fan club?
A) Send your name, address, and blood type.
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A) Nectarines
What's a vampire's favorite animal?
A) A giraffe
Date with the endoscopist
“After my first date with the endoscopist she said she would look me up sometime.”
Two men staggered into the pub
Two men staggered into the pub, dragging their extremely drunk mate with them. When they reached the bar, they let him go and he collapsed in a drunken heap on the floor. "We'll have two beers," one of them slurred to the bartender."What about him?" asked the barkeep, pointing to the unconscious chap.
"No more for him - he's driving," his pal replied.
Choosing a profession
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table three objects:
a Bible,
a silver dollar, and
a bottle of whisky.
"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. He tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects! on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink.
"Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "he's gonna be a Congressman!"
Dating
A guy is dating three women and can't decide which one to marry. He gives each $1,000 to see how well they can manage money. The first one spends $800 and puts $200 in the bank. The second one spends $200 and puts $800 in the bank. The third one puts the whole $1,000 in the bank. Which one does he end up marrying? The one with the biggest boobs.30 Funny Skeleton Halloween Jokes
Q) Why wouldn't the skeleton go skydiving?
A) He didn't have the guts for it.
Q) How do you make a skeleton laugh?
A) Tickle his funny bone.
Q) Why wasn't the skeleton afraid of the policeman?
A) He knew they couldn't pin anything on him.
Q) What room can a skeleton not go into?
A) The living room
Q) Why do skeletons make bad miners?
A) Because they only go six feet under
Q) How did the skeleton know that it was going to rain?
A) He could feel it in his bones.
Q) What did the skeleton order at the restaurant?
A) Spare ribs
Q) What did the skeleton say to the bartender?
A) I'll have a beer and a mop.
Q) What did the skeleton wear on Halloween?
A) A human costume
Q) Why are skeletons always so calm?
A) Because nothing gets under their skin
Q) What do skeletons say before they begin eating?
A) Bon appetit!
Q) Why don't skeletons play music in church?
A) Because they have no organs.
Q) What's a skeleton's favorite weapon?
A) A bow and marrow.
Q) Where did the skeleton keep his pet bird?
A) In his rib cage
Q) What do you call a skeleton who uses the doorbell?
A) A dead ringer
Q) What do you call the lie told by a skeleton?
A) A little fib-ula
Q) What do skeletons do on New Year's Eve?
A) Eat, drink and be scary
Q) Why did the skeleton cross the road?
A) To go to the body shop
Q) What did the boss call his incompetent employee?
A) A bonehead
Q) What did the skeleton say when he rode his Harley?
A) Bone to be wild!
Q) Why did the little skeleton want to quit the football team?
A) Because his heart wasn't in it
Q) Why didn't the little skeleton want to get up in the morning?
A) He was a lazy bones.
Q) Where do teenage skeletons go to class?
A) High skull
Q) What instrument did the little skeleton want to play?
A) The trombone
Q) Why wouldn't the little skeleton eat the cafeteria food?
A) He didn't have the stomach for it.
Q) Why did the mother keep telling the little skeleton to drink his milk?
A) Because milk is good for the bones
Q) Why did the little skeleton laugh at the joke?
A) Because he thought it was humerus
Q) Why did the little skeleton do extra work?
A) Because he wanted the bone-us points
Q) Why didn't the little skeleton want to go to the dance?
A) He had no body to go with.
Q) What instrument did the little skeleton want to play?
A) The trombone
Q) Why wouldn't the little skeleton eat the cafeteria food?
A) He didn't have the stomach for it.
Q) Why did the little skeleton hate the winter?
A) Because the wind went right through him
Ten Witch Jokes for Halloween
Q) Why do witches wear name tags?
A) So they will know which witch is which.
Q) What do you call two witches sharing an apartment?
A) Broom-mates
Q) What is a little witch's favorite subject in school?
A) Spell-ing
Q) How does a witch tell time?
A) She looks at her witch-watch.
Q) Why did the witch give up fortune telling?
A) Because there was no future in it.
Q) What is the difference between a witch and the letters "M, A, K, E, S?"
A) One makes spells and the other spells "makes."
Q) What did the witch serve her friends who dropped in at dinner time?
A) Potluck
Q) How do you make a witch itch?
A) Take away the "w."
Q) Why is a witch's face like a million dollars?
A) It's green and wrinkly.
Q) What do witches use on their hair?
A) Scare spray.
Trouble hearing....
A little old man starts having trouble hearing and goes to the doctor.....says. "Doc, I'm having problems hearing!"
Doctor says "Lets check this out." Looks into the man's ear with his flash light and says, "There's a foreign object in here." Takes his tweezers and pulls it out.......Doc says to the old man, "It's a suppository!!"
The old man takes a look, asks the Doc, "Can I use your phone?? Need to tell the wife that I know where I put that hearing aid!!"
Why You So Fat?
A family is at the dinner table. The father looks at his oldest son. "Tony! Why are you so fat?"
"Pop, it's Mama's casseroles!" Tony says.
"I can't stop eating them, it's so good."
"Tony, you should take a smaller bites."
Pop says.
Then Pop looks at his middle son.
"Fred! Why are you so fat?"
"Pop, it's a Mama's roast beef," Vinny says.
"I can't stop eating it, it's so good."
"Fred, you should take a smaller bites."
Then Pop looks at his youngest son, "John! How you stay so slim and trim?"
"It's easy, Pop," John says.
"I eat a lots and lots of pussy."
"Pussy? Pussy?"
Pop says.
"That tastes like shit!"
"Pop, you should a take smaller bites."
A funeral service is being hel...
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket to find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking the husband cries out,
"WATCH OUT FOR THE WALL"
Chuck Norris has a pet kitten ...
Chuck Norris has a pet kitten - every night for a snack.Where Is My Goat?
There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole! The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them! The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."
He who laughs last thinks slow...
He who laughs last thinks slowest.Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!