Jokes of the day for Friday, 08 November 2019

Something Unusual

Cop: "Seen anything unusual?"
Me: "A dolphin with a hat, once."
Cop: "I mean around here."
Me: "Nah - they live in water."

Evils of alcohol

A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol.
He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died.
"All right, son," asked the father, "what does that show you?"
"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."

Cooking show

“The King of satyrs tried his hand at directing a cooking show on TV, but only received pan reviews.”

A woman's husband had been sl

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? 'You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what Martha?'
'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
'I'm beginning to think you're bad luck...

 Husband Picture

The husband says to his wife, "You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?"
She says, "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears."
He smirks and replies, "You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
She calmly replies, "Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, 'What other problem can there be greater than this one?'"

Social Security

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.”

Hearing aid...

John: I got this great new hearing aid the other day.

Mary: Are you wearing it now?

John: Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, though. But it's top of the line.

Mary: What kind is it?

John: Twelve-thirty.

What does the starship enterpr...

What does the starship enterprise and tiolet paper have in common?
They both circle around uranus and wipe out klingons.

A man realized he needed to pu...

A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but didn't want to spend a lot of money. "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesman.
"Anything from $2 to $2,000."
"Can I see the $2 model?" said the customer.
The salesman put the device around the man's neck, and said: "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down into your pocket."
"How does it work?" asked the customer.
"For $2, it doesn't work," said the salesman. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder."

Hari Kondabolu: Where Are You From?

Hes like, Hey, man, where are you from? So I told him, Im from Queens, New York. And then hes like, No, I mean where are you really from? Which, for those of you who dont know, thats code for, No, I mean, why arent you white?

The original title for Star Wa...

The original title for Star Wars was "Skywalker: Texas Ranger". Starring Chuck Norris.

23 short rabbit jokes and puns

What do you call a happy rabbit?
A hop-timist.

What is a rabbit’s favorite music?
Hip-hop.

What do you call a rabbit that’s raised indoors?
An in-grown hare.

What do you get if you cross a frog with a rabbit?
A bunny ribbit.

What did the rabbit give his girlfriend?
A 14-carrot ring.

Where do rabbits work?
At IHOP.

How do you know a rabbit is in a good mood?
He’s hoppy.

How do rabbits travel?
By hareplane.

What do you call a bunny transformer?
Hop-timus Prime.

Where do rabbits go after their wedding?
On their bunnymoon.

How does the Easter bunny stay fit?
Eggsercise and hareobics.

Why did the bunnies go on strike?
Because they wanted a better celery.

What do you call 50 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line.

What did the bunny say to the carrot?
It’s been nice gnawing you.

A friend of mine stole a rabbit.
Then he had to make a run for it.

I bought a bunny because everyone needs
a friend who is all ears.

I used to own a rabbit,
but now he’s just some bunny that I used to know.

The Easter Bunny won’t be making his usual rounds this year.
He’s laid up with a hareline fracture.

I bought my rabbit a fancy new hutch.
But he doesn’t seem to carrot all.

You must be the Easter Bunny,
because you’ve got me all egg-cited.

I know a bald chap who put a rabbit on his head.
He wanted a head of hare.

Got in a lift with an animal that looked a bit like a rabbit.
It was a hare-raising experience.

I’m putting an official ban on rabbit puns.
They are not bunny anymore.

Stopped for speeding

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place . . . The man says, 'What's the problem, Officer?'

Officer: 'You were going at least 75 in a 55-zone.'

Man: 'No Sir, I was going 65.'

Wife: 'Oh, Harry, you were going 80.' (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Officer: 'I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.'

Man: 'Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!'

Wife: 'Oh, Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.' (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)

Officer: 'I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt.'

Man: 'Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.'

Wife: 'Oh, Harry, you never wear your seatbelt.'

The man turns to his wife and yells, 'SHUT YOUR MOUTH!'

The Officer turns to the woman and asks, 'Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?'

The wife says, 'No, only when he's been drinking!!!'

An old indian, Charlie Two Shi...

An old indian, Charlie Two Shirts, came rowing onto the dock on a lake. He tied his boat up and unloaded his fishing box that was full of fish.
The Game warden was standing there and said: "Charlie there aren't that many fish in this lake. How did you get those?"
Charlie said: "Oh it is an old Indian method. Come with me and I show you!"
The Game Warden got in the boat and Charlie rowed out to a spot. He opened his tackle box and got out a weighted stick of dynamite, lit the fuse and tossed it overboard. Moments later there was a muffled explosion from below and several fish came floating up.
The Game Warden said: "Charlie it's illegal to use dynamite for fishing. I can arrest your for that!"
Charlie reached into his tackle box again and pulled out another stick of dynamite. He lit the fuse and handed it to the Game Warden and said: "Are you gonna fish...or talk?"

Speed Limit

Sitting on the edge of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car driving along at 22 M.P.H. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, said, "Officer, I don’t understand, I wasn’t doing over the speed limit! What did you pull me over for?"
"Ma’am," the officer said, "You should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous".
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.
The officer, trying not to laugh, explains that 22 is the route number, not the speed limit. A little embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"Before I go Ma’am, I have to ask, is everyone ok? These women seem badly shaken and haven’t said a word since I pulled you over."
"Oh! they’ll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 142" ...