Jokes of the day for Saturday, 01 February 2020

I eat pie and it makes me sick

I eat pie and it makes me sick. I'm a member of the Flu Flux Flan.

You are driving in a car at a

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
* Get your drunk-ass off the merry-go-round.

Starting that Diet

My friend Kimberly announced that she had started a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.
“Good!” I exclaimed. “I’m ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. When I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I’ll call you first.”
“Great!” she replied. “I’ll ride with you.”

“A gang of beavers ro

“A gang of beavers roamed main street last night, cutting down several trees along Main Street. Police are stumped.”

From the Blonde Files #7,3121 of 9,666,331

A Blonde in Louisiana
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of real alligator shoes in the worst way, but she didn't want to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, 'Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!' The shopkeeper said, 'By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!' Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist-deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, 'Darn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!'

 Compare The Genders

Differences Between Men & Women
NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.
CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."
OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Sign of the times...

A woman met her husband at the train station after work for the ride home. He looked haggard, so she asked, "Rough day?"

"You bet it was," he groaned. "Our computers were down, and we had to think all day long."

T.J. Miller: Holding a Baby

This woman wouldnt let me hold her baby the other day because she said I was too drunk. First of all, dont bring your baby into the bar. And second of all, if Im drinking malt liquor on a playground, I call that a bar.

I lift weights only...

“I lift weights only on Saturday and Sunday because Monday to Friday are weak days.”

Who Should Make the Coffee?

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides it says in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that! Show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says, "HEBREWS."

One Line Zingers

• If Cain and Able were Siamese twins, would they be Cable?


• Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.


• The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.


• "I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money.”


• Warning notice at a seminary swimming pool: “First-year students are only allowed to walk on the shallow end.”


• "If absence makes the heart grow fonder,” said a minister, “a lot of folks must love our church.”

This joke was reprinted from "Laugh Yourself Healthy" by Charles and Frances Hunter, with permission of Strang Communications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.

Eliot Chang: Politically Correct Friend

He actually said this to me; hes like, Hey man, you got to be careful. Theres a lot of women that have an Asian fetish. Well, what do you mean? Theyll have sex with you just cause youre Asian. Arent you offended? Uh, Ill be offended after my orgasm.

TEACHER: Why are you late, Fra...

TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

Benefits of the Revival

After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.

The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families."

The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families."

The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"

Judge to prospective juror...

Judge to prospective juror: "And why do you wish to be excused from serving on this jury?"
"Your honor, it's because I don't believe in capital punishment and I don't want my personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course."
"Madam, this is not a murder trial. It's a civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $25,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."
"Well, okay. I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all."