Jokes of the day for Monday, 17 February 2020
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 17 February 2020 |
The bearded lady seems hairy,
The bearded lady seems hairy, until she takes off hirsute.A guy sees an advertisement in...
A guy sees an advertisement in a pet-shop window: "Talking Centipede $100."The guy goes in and buys it. He gets home, opens the box and asks the centipede if he wants to go for a beer.
The centipede doesn't answer, so the guy closes the lid, convinced he's been swindled. Thirty minutes later he decides to try again.
He raises his voice and shouts, "Do you want to go for a beer?"
The centipede pokes his head out of the box and says, "Pipe down! I heard you the first time. I'm putting on my shoes!"
“What is claustrophob
“What is claustrophobia? An unnatural fear of jolly old St. Nick!”
Short Christmas Jokes
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?
It's Christmas, Eve !
How do you make an idiot laugh on boxing day ?
Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve !
What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month ?
The letter "D" !
What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney ?
Santa Claustrophobia !
What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve ?
Black mail !
Who delievers cat's Christmas presents ?
Santa Paws !
Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney ?
Because it soots him !
Who delievers elephants's Christmas presents?
Elephanta Claus !
How many chimney does Father Christmas go down ?
Stacks !
Why is Santa like a bear on Christmas Eve ?
Because he's Sooty !
If It Ain't Broke, Don't Fix It
Most people will say, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."
An engineer will say, "If it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."
Scripture?
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening church service when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the burglar red-handed, and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38 (meaning, repent and be baptized...)!"
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman then calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the burglar, he asked, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "I thought she said she had an axe and two 38's!"
Put about 100 bricks in some p
Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an openwindow. Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door. Leavethem alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyse the situation.If they are counting the bricks. Put them in the accounts department.
If they are recounting them. Put them in auditing.
If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks. Put them inengineering.
If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order. Put them in planning.
If they are throwing the bricks at each other. Put them in operations.
If they are sleeping. Put them in security.
If they have broken the bricks into pieces. Put them in information technology.
If they are sitting idle. Put them in human resources.
If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has beenmoved. Put them in sales.
If they have already left for the day. Put them in marketing.
If they are staring out of the window. Put them on strategic planning.
And then last but not least.
If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved,congratulate them and put them in Executive Management.
Slept with
An old couple were talking. The wife asked her husband, "How many women have you slept with?"
"Only you, Darling,” the man replied proudly. “With all the others I was awake."
Its hard to describe in one se...
Its hard to describe in one sentence the Obama legacy so far. What with earning a Nobel Peace Prize, getting U.S. troops out of Iraq and Afghanistan, closing Guantanamo Bay, trying terrorists in Federal Courts on U.S. soil, stopping the influx of illegal aliens, creating jobs, lowering the deficit, balancing the budget and cutting the cost of medical treatment while insuring the masses.Some critics have asked the difference between Obama's accomplishments and a car battery.
A car battery has a positive side.
Whenever John wanted to have s...
Whenever John wanted to have sex he would say to Mary "Lets do some laundry, honey".Well one day Mary felt horny so she said to John "Honey, how about doing some laundry?"
John replied "No thanks honey, I only had a small load so I did it by hand.
The Jewish Boy and the Muslim Boy
David, a Jewish boy, and Ali, a Muslim boy, are having a conversation.
Ali: I'm getting operated on tomorrow.
David: Oh? What are they going to do?
Ali: Circumcise me!
David: I had that done when I was just a few days old.
Ali: Did it hurt?
David: I couldn't walk for a year!
Grandpa, Did God Make You?
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, “Grandpa, did God make you?”“Yes, sweetheart,” he answered. “God made me a long time ago.”“Oh,” she paused. “Grandpa, did God make me too?”“Yes, indeed, honey,” he said. “God made you just a little while ago.”Feeling their respective faces again, the little girl observed, “God’s getting better at it, isn’t He?” Why Karaoke is better than sex...
- With Karaoke, you're always sure you can find someone worse than you are.- You don't feel obligated to buy someone dinner for singing Karaoke with you.
- When you sing Karaoke, it's OK to have multiple partners.
- It's OK to sing Karaoke with your sister.
- With Karaoke, you never have to be sorry about forgetting your lines.
- It's OK to drink too much and sing Karaoke.
- With Karaoke, no one will complain about the size of your microphone.
- It's OK to sing Karaoke in front of your neighbors.
- You'll never feel uncomfortable knowing your parents still sing Karaoke.
- No one complains about a 3-minute Karaoke performance.
New Dog Food
We put our dog on a vegan diet, and she's doing really well...
She's eaten two so far.