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Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 18 March 2020

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 18 March 2020

I regretted my sex change. The

I regretted my sex change. They're making a documentary about it: Scrotal Recall.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 6.71/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (7)

“Odorless perfumes ar

“Odorless perfumes are non-scents.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (11)

SLIDESHOW #125 - Funny Photo Slideshow

A Chinese student was learning

A Chinese student was learning English from a 30 day rapid learner book. He decided to try it out in the college canteen.
When served coffee he replied: "Thank you sir or madam, as the case may be."
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (14)

 Humor About Elderly People


OLD RADIOS never die, they just stop receiving
OLD RAILROADERS never die, they just derail
OLD RAIN PUDDLES never die, they just dry up
OLD SAILORS never die, they just get a little "DINGHY"
OLD SAILORS never die, they just lose their porpoise
OLD SALESMEN never die, they just go out of commission
OLD SCHOOLS never die, they just lose their principals
OLD SCOTS never die, but they can be kilt
OLD SCULPTORS never die, they just lose their marbles
OLD SEAMSTRESSES never die, they just come to the point
OLD SEERS never die, they just lose their vision
OLD SEWAGE WORKERS never die, they just waste away
OLD SHEETROCKERS (dry wallers) never die, they just hang around
OLD SHOES MAKERS never die, they just lose their sole
OLD SKIERS never die, but they go downhill fast

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 1.80/10

Rating: 1.8/10 (5)

Productivity

I'm great at multi-tasking.
I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 18 March 2019
  • Currently 7.33/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (12)

Words of wisdom...

Always wanted to be a procrastinator, but never got around to it.

My friend has kleptomania, but when it gets bad, he takes something for it.

Never be afraid to try something new, Remember amateurs built the ark - Professionals built the Titanic.

Love is grand - divorce is a hundred grand.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common, they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

One of life's mysteries - How can a two pound box of candy make a person gain five pounds.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 24 March 2017
  • Currently 6.71/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (7)

Build Me a Bridge

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says ‘nothing's wrong,’ and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 March 2015
  • Currently 8.87/10

Rating: 8.9/10 (116)

A lady walks into the drug sto...

A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.
The druggist asks, "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"
The lady says, "To kill my husband."
"I can't sell you any for that reason," says the druggist.
The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position, the man is her husband and the lady is the druggist's wife, and shows it to the druggist.
He looks at the photo and says, "Oh I didn't know you had a prescription!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 18 March 2018
  • Currently 9.12/10

Rating: 9.1/10 (57)

Smart Blonde

A girl came skipping home FROM school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No, Honey, it's because you're 25."

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 March 2015
  • Currently 7.83/10

Rating: 7.8/10 (52)

Instructions amiss

A man was having marital problems. So he went

to his shrink. The shrink says, "When you get

home, throw down your briefcase, run to her,

embrace her, take off her clothes, and yours,

and make mad passionate love to her."

In two weeks he was back in the shrink's office.

The shrink asked "How did it go?"

He said, "She didn't have anything to say,

but her bridge club got a kick out of it."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 18 March 2011
  • Currently 8.02/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (43)

Moths

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!", and she pushed him into the closet stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 13 February 2013
  • Currently 7.17/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (6)

Two doctors were in a hospital...

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy.
"She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall.
"Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 10 December 2017
  • Currently 7.44/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (9)

Why Germans...

Why Germans don't play Scrabble...
FUSSBODENSCHLEIFMASCHINENVERLEIH
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 29 September 2015
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Diagnosis

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 11 August 2016
  • Currently 7.87/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (15)

April Fool's Day - Kid’s Socks

Sew one of your kid’s socks closed halfway down. If you’re the sewing type this prank will leave you in stitches.
#joke #short #aprilfoolsday #prank
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 26 March 2015
  • Currently 7.67/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (6)

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