Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 25 March 2020
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 25 March 2020 |
“The snow removal com
“The snow removal company said they try to plow sense into people wanting to use shovels.”
Husband 1: I am the boss of th
Husband 1: I am the boss of the house. I couldn't find cold water in the house, so I shouted for hot water and got it immediately.Husband 2: Wow, that's great. Is it for drinking or bathing?
Husband 1: It was for washing the dishes.
Running Out Of Fuel
My friend is notorious for waiting until the needle is on empty before filling his gas tank. Finally his car died on him, and we had to push it to the nearest filling station. After my friend finished pumping gas, the attendant asked if he had learned anything.
“Yeah,” my friend muttered, “I learned I have a 15-gallon tank.”
New Years Resolutions
An overweight business associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery.
One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.
"This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. "I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, `Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious coffeecakes, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery.'
"And sure enough," he continued, "the eighth time around the block, there it was!"
Knock Knock Collection 0
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Alfalfa!
Alfalfa who?
Alfalfa you, if you give me a kiss!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Alfie!
Alfie who?
Alfie terrible if you leave!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Alfred!
Alfred who!
Alfred of the dark!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Alfred!
Alfred who!
Alfred the needle if you sew!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ali!
Ali who?
Ali, Ali oxen free!
After the North American Beer
After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Señor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona."
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King of Beers,’ a Budweiser."
The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren’t you drinking a Molson’s?"
The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I."
When the college dormitory tam...
When the college dormitory tampon machine broke, they declared a coed red.The Sklar Brothers: Aggressive Advertising
Jason Sklar: It was the most aggressive advertisement weve ever seen. It was a bus bench ad advertising bus bench ads. Randy Sklar: It was like the M.C. Escher of advertising
Chelsea Peretti: Getting Attacked
I always think, what would I do if someone tried to get me? My first thought is just something dumb, like Id try to pick my nose and just be gross. In my mind a rapist is just some white hat frat boy whod just be like, Ugh nasty, forget it. Learn some manners.Answering Machine Message 251
Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.
School Report
Our 15-year-old daughter, Melanie, had to write a report for school about World War II, specifically D-Day and the invasion of Normandy.“Isn't there a movie about that?” she asked.
I told her there was, but I couldn't think of the name.
Then it came to her, “Oh, I remember! Isn't it something like ‘Finding Private Nemo'?”
Our Favorite Lightbulb Jokes
HOW MANY ZEN BUDDHISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: Three. One to change the lightbulb, one NOT to change the lightbulb, and one to neither change nor not change the lightbulb.
HOW MANY EPISCOPALIANS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better.
HOW MANY UNITARIANS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: The Unitarians wish to issue the following statement:
"We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a lightbulb; however, if in your own journey you have found that lightbulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your lightbulb, and present it next month at our annual lightbulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of lightbulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence."
HOW MANY PENTECOSTALS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
A Silent Bomb in Church
An elderly couple were in church. The wife leaned over and whispered to her husband, "I just let out a long silent fart... what should I do?"The husband replied, "Replace the batteries in your hearing aid."- When Life Gives You Lemons
When life gives you lemons make grape juice. Then sit back and watch as the world wonders how you did it. ~ Author Unknown
Submitter Name: Tessa