Kiss my relativesWhen I have to kiss my relatives at family functions, it's like the coming of the pack o' lips.
“Caesar salad means she notices her food.”
An enormously wealthy 65-year-old...An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating proposing.
"Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend.
"Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."
The Preacher explains that he...The Preacher explains that he must move on to a large congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.
Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims:
"If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in appreciation, and applauds. Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says: "If the Preacher willstay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!"
More sighs and loud applause. Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the preacher stays, I will give him sex," There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"
Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies:
"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said...... "Screw the Preacher."
Elephant Jokes 08
What to you get if you cross a parrot with an elephant?
An animal that tells you everything that it remembers!
What is a baby elephant after he is five weeks old?
Six weeks old!
What did the elephant say when the man grabbed him by the tail?
This is the end of me!
Policeman: "One of your elephants has been seen chasing a man on a bicycle."
Zoo Keeper: "Nonsense, none of my elephants knows how to ride a bicycle!"
Why do the elephants have short tails?
Because they can't remember long stories!
How to you keep an elephant in suspense?
I'll tell you tomorrow!
"Dad, Mum is fighting with an enormous elephant in the garden!"
"Don't worry dear, I'm sure the elephant can look after itself!"
My elephants got no trunk?
How does it smell?
What do elephants sing at christmas?
Who do elephants get their christmas presents from?
Squirrel in a Hurricane
Where do Squirrels go during Hurricanes?
Pretty Much anywhere depending on how fast the wind is blowing
Find the right combination
I'm the greatest hitter in the world...
A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat.
"I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced. Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed. "Strike One!" he yelled.
Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down, he swung again and missed. "Strike two!" he cried.
The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Again, he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike three!"
"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"
HahahahahahaThe joke is:
Three men were discussing at a...Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said, " my wife was reading a "tale of two cities" and she gave birth to twins"
"That’s funny", the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'the three musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets"
The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home!"
When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, " When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves"!!!
Maria Bamford: Fulfilling PotentialIm afraid that fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting around time.
At a meeting, the Boss told a joke.
Everyone on the team laughed except one guy.
The Boss asked him, 'Didn’t you understand my joke?'
The guy replied, 'Oh I understood it, but I resigned this morning.'
This reminds me of something y...This reminds me of something yesterday at work. A colleague was relating a conversation he had with his young daughter, just a bit over 2 years old. They were discussing geography and
Where does mommy live?
Where does grandma live?
Where does grandpa live?
And where does daddy live?
Needless to say, he took the morning off that next [ ]