Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 28 April 2020
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 28 April 2020 |
NED: Someone stole rosemary fr
NED: Someone stole rosemary from my garden!ED: Really?
NED: Yes – I feel quite dissed herbed!
Stealing iPhones
There is a guy stealing iPhones around town...
At some point he’s going to face time!
A foreman sent out two groups
A foreman sent out two groups of men to put up telephone poles along a new highway and asked them to report at the end of the day. The crews were gone all day and returned just as the sun was setting.The foreman asked the leader of the first group how many poles they had installed. The reply was eleven. The foreman patted the guy on the back and said, "Not bad."
Then he went to the leader of the next group and asked him the same question. "Two" was the reply.
"Two! All you installed were two?! The other group installed eleven!" The foreman exclaimed angrily.
"Yeah," the leader answered, "But you should have seen how much they left sticking out!"
A blonde walks into the police...
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions....Officer: What's 2+2?
Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!
Officer: What's the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummmm... 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno.
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"
Real News Headlines 05
These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Should have been here sooner!
An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."
"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"
A German asks a Mexican if the...
A German asks a Mexican if they have any Jews in Mexico. The Mexican says, “Sí, we have orange jews, apple jews, and grape jews!” Demetri Martin: How to Be a Bouncer
How to be a bouncer: 1) be an a**hole; 2) stand near a door.Big Mouth!
A Jewish gentleman stood before a delicatessen display counter and pointed to a tray. "I'll have a pound of that salmon," he said.
"That's not salmon," the clerk said. "It's ham."
"Mister," the customer snapped, "in case nobody ever told you, you got a big mouth!"
Irish Tradition
Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.
The barman says, “You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it . Your pints would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
Patrick replies, “Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder.”
The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.
Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way … ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished. One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, “Oh no,” he says,
Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis me … I've quit drinking!”
There were three little boys v...
There were three little boys visiting their grandparents. The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, "Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpappy?
Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, "No, I don't really want to make the sound of a frog now."
So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, "Will you please make a sound like a frog?"
Grandpa again says, "No, not now. I don't really want to do that.I'm in a grumpy mood. Maybe later."
Then the third little boy comes out and says, "Grandpa, oh please...Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?"
"Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa asked.
The little boy replied with a hopeful face, "Well, Mom said that when you croak we get to go to Disney World!"
I didn't realize how bad of a...
I didn't realize how bad of a driver I was until my navigation system said: "IN 400 FEET, DO A SLIGHT RIGHT, STOP, AND LET ME OUT."
Fill hollow Easter candies with mustard
Grand April Fools' Day pranks, as impressive as they are, require careful planning. And though massive, meticulously planned pranks certainly gets a rise out of unlucky prankees, it's the subtle pranks that pack the most surprise.