Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 06 May 2020

A couple go for a meal at a Ch...

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order Chicken Surprise. The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
"Ahh so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck."

“As I think you know,

“As I think you know, Pi is an irrational number. So far, all efforts to calm it down have failed.”

She Cooked Dinner

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.
So I took the battery out of the smoke detector.

 You Might Be A Redneck If 39

You might be a redneck if...
One of the options on your truck is a spitoon.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this."
You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'

People who live in glass house

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.
Never read the fine print.There ain't no way you're going to like it.
If you let a smile be your umbrella,then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.
The only two things we do with greater frequencyin middle age are urinate and attend funerals.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybodyhas the same size bucket.
To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.
Do you realize that in about 40 years,we'll have thousands of old ladiesrunning around with tattoos?
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortableto cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.
Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
Living in a n*dist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint,you are probably dead.

Any questions?

Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies. Little Annie is now silent for a while.

"You understand it now?" Mommy asks.

"Yes," replies her daughter.

"Do you still have any questions?"

"Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?"

"In exactly the same way as with babies."

"Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!"

Miss Maddox loved collecting c

Miss Maddox loved collecting coins. How do I know? Because I numismatics.

Morality

If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?

A Blonde goes over to her fri

A Blonde goes over to her friend's houseWearing a T.G.I.F. T-shirt.
'Why are you wearing a Thank GodIt's Friday tee-shirt on Monday?'
'Oh crap!' the blonde says. 'I didn'tRealize it was a religious T-shirt. I thought it meant Tits Go In Front'

Team Spirit

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach.
"Now go over there and explain it to your mother."

There are no races, only count...

There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

A couple pulled into the drive...

A couple pulled into the driveway after their first date. The guy leans over and gives the girl a long, slow kiss. While he's kissing her, he quietly unzips his pants, takes her hand, and puts it on his penis.

When she realizes what it is, she screams, jumps out of the car, and yells back at him as she starts closing the car door, "I've got just two words for you, Drop Dead!!"

"And I've got two words for you too," the guy shrieks, "LET GO!!!!"

Goodbye Disney

As my family was leaving Disney World, my daughter waved and said, "Goodbye Minnie!"
My son waved and said, "Goodbye Mickey!"
I waved and said, "Goodbye money!"

Pastry chefs

“Pastry chefs never die - they just croissant over to the other side.”

The race

Two natural gas company service personnel, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of an alley and worked their way to the other end.

At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. When they finished, the senior supervisor, proud of his physical condition, challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race back to their truck.

As they approached the truck, they realized that the woman from the last house they checked was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I saw two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run, too!"