Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 17 June 2020

Want an inexpensive pet? Birds

Want an inexpensive pet? Birds are cheeper.

What day it is today?

Whilst sitting down for breakfast a woman says to her husband, "I bet you don’t know what day it is today."

The husband replies, "Of course I do darling. How could I ever forget?"

The husband leaves for work and later that morning a dozen red roses are delivered. In the afternoon a huge box of chocolates arrive at the door followed by a beautiful evening dress. When he arrives back home the husband gives his wife a beautiful pearl necklace.

His wife throws her arms around him and gives him a huge kiss, exclaiming,

"I've never had such a wonderful Chinese New Year in my whole life!"

Training for job

An American-Indian walks into a saloon with a shotgun in one hand and a 10-litre bucket of manure in the other. The Indian says to the bartender: "Me want Lager!"
The bartender says: "Sure, Chief, coming right up." He then serves the Indian a tall glass of Tennents Lager. The Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket, throws the manure into the air and blasts it with the shotgun. He then walks out.
Five days later, the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and another bucket of manure in the other. He struts up to the bar and tells the bartender: "Me want beer!"
The bar keeper says: "Whoa there Tonto, we're still cleaning up from the last time you were here...What was that all about, anyway?" he asked.
The Indian explained: "Me training for job as government employee. Drink beer, shoot the shit, disappear for a few days, then come back and see if somebody else has cleaned up the mess me left behind..."

12 bees

I went to the pet shop and asked for 12 bees.

The clerk counted out 13 bees and handed them over.

“You’ve given me one too many” I said.

“That one is a freebie”

Don't lie to walls

“Don't ever lie to walls because they hallways know the truth.”

Why do you want a divorce?

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

The Punch Bowl

My son asked me if a punch bowl is a place where you keep names of people you want to punch...
I usually keep them in my head but, keeping them in a fancy crystal bowl seems classy.

Skin canoes

Three men are found in the wilderness by civilized cannibals. The men are led to a gravesite next to the water. The chief says, 'We will kill you as a coward, or we will let you die honarable deaths for your homelands. You choose the weapon. Either way, your skins will be used to make our canoes.'

The first man, a soldier at heart, asks for a handgun. With this, he recites the Pledge and shoots himself. He is carried off. The next man asks for a sword. A warrior at heart, he uses a Japanese katana to commit seppuku as a Japanese man.

The last man asks for a fork.

'A fork? asks the chief?'

But it's his dying wish, so they hand him the fork. He stabs himself repeatedly in the chest, and yells, 'I HOPE YOUR CANOE SINKS!!'

 Yo Mama Is So Short

Yo mama so short she poses for trophies!
Yo mama so short you can see her feet on her drivers lisence!
Yo mama so short she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.
Yo mama so short she can play handball on the curb.
Yo mama so short she does backflips under the bed.
Yo mama so short she models for trophys.

Coroners refer to dead people ...

Coroners refer to dead people as "ABC's". Already Been Chucked.

Taliban TV Guide

Taliban TV Guide

MONDAYS:

8:00 - "Husseinfeld"

8:30 - "Mad About Everything"

9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"

9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"

10:00 - "Allah McBeal"

TUESDAYS:

8:00 - "Wheel of Terror and Fortune"

8:30 - "The Price is Right If Osama Says Its Right"

9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things"

9:30 - "Afganistans Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"

10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer"

WEDNESDAYS:

8:00 - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"

8:30 - "Bowling For Food"

9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread"

9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone"

10:00 - "Veilwatch"

THURSDAYS:

8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi"

8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"

9:00 - "Veronicas Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils"

9:30 - "My Two Baghdads"

10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"

FRIDAYS:

8:00 - "Judge Laden"

8:30 - "Funniest Super 8 Home Movies"

9:00 - "Who Wants To Execute A Multimillionaire"

9:30 - "Achmeds Creek"

10:00 - "No-witness News"

Christopher Titus: Drunk Driving Lecture

Every weekend, I would get the drunk driving lecture. Of course, Dad drank and drove all the time. I guess it wasnt a lecture; it was helpful tips from the master.

Socks...

A young man and a young woman were soon to be married, but they both had a problem they had never told anyone else about. The man approached his father one day before the wedding and told him about his problem. His feet REALLY stunk, even if he washed them constantly, he was worried that this would scare off his new bride, so he needed a solution, fast. His father pondered the situation and finally told his son to wear socks constantly (even to bed) and always wash his feet whenever he got a chance. The son thought about this and went along happy.

The same day the young lady approached her mother and told her about her problem. Her morning breath was horrid. Her mother reassured her and told her everyone had bad morning breath. The young woman told her mother that this was not normal morning breath but easily the worst in the world. The mother thinks about this and comes up with this bright idea. She tells her daughter to get up earlier than everyone else and don't say a thing, go make breakfast and then brush her teeth while the others are eating. The young woman thinks and then runs off to get ready for the wedding, happy.

The couple is married and they are happy, him with his perpetual socks and her with her morning silences. One morning about 5:30 am the young man wakes up to find one sock missing. He starts rustling around in the bed looking for it, which of course wakes up his wife, who without thinking asks what's wrong.

With a look of shock on his face the young man says, "OH MY GOD! You've swallowed my sock!"

Hang your @

Home is where you hang your @.

A little boy opened the big an...

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between pages.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered:

"It's Adam's suit!!!!!"