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Jokes of the day for Monday, 27 July 2020

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 27 July 2020

The two ladies were sitting in

The two ladies were sitting in the living room, waiting for their hostess, who was slightly delayed. The son of the family was with them, on the theory that he would keep the visitors occupied during the wait.
The child was about six-years-old, freckled, buck-toothed and bespectacled. He maintained a deep silence and the two ladies peered doubtfully at him.
Finally, one of them muttered to the other, "Not very 'h-a-n-d-s- o-m-e', I fear," carefully spelling the key word.
Whereupon the child piped up, "But awfully 'b-r-i-g-h-t'!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

“He made his fortune

“He made his fortune selling Persian carpets. It was a rugs to riches story.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 3.82/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (11)

SLIDESHOW #122 - Funny Photo Slideshow

 College Exam Plea


O Lord, hear my anxious plea
Calculus is killing me
I know not of 'dx' or 'dy'
And probably won't until the day I die.
Please, Lord, help me in this hour
As I take my case to the highest power.
I care not for fame or loot
Just help me find one square root.
And Lord, please let me see
One passing mark in organic chemistry.
Oh such a thing I constantly dread
I'd just as soon join the Marines instead.
Lord, please give me a sign
That you've been listening all the time.
Please lead me out of this constant coma
And give me a shot at my diploma.

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 5.44/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (9)

Heart Attack

Two years after my heart attack, I was teaching my college course when I felt discomfort in my chest. I paused the class to pop my medication and felt better quickly.
“Now, if I ever do have a heart attack,” I told my students, “I will give extra credit to whoever gives me CPR.”
One of them shouted out, ”How much?”

#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 6.44/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (9)

The Christmas gift...

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied. "But where in the world was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"

#joke #short #christmas
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 09 August 2017
  • Currently 6.72/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (18)

At a recent convention of biol

At a recent convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarkedto another, "Did you know that we have switched from rats to lawyersfor experiments in our lab?"
"Really?" replied the other researcher. "Why the switch?"
"There were a number of reasons," the first researcher explained."First, our lab assistants don't become so attached to them. Second, lawyersbreed much quicker, making them far more plentiful. Third, animal rightsgroups have no objection to their torture and fourth, there are some thingseven a rat won't do."
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 04 May 2016
  • Currently 6.44/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (9)

I ingested a pop can and every...

I ingested a pop can and everything is clear. I feel aluminated.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 31 August 2011
  • Currently 4.80/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (5)

Bush in the White House

Former U.S. President George Bush said he would like to see

his son, Governor George W. Bush, in the White House.

Polls, however, indicate that the public is fed up with the

Monica Lewinsky scandal and does not want to see any more

Bush in the White House.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 27 July 2011
  • Currently 2.60/10

Rating: 2.6/10 (70)

It was once believed that Chuc...

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 27 July 2011
  • Currently 2.69/10

Rating: 2.7/10 (61)

Matt Braunger: Medical Marijuana Dispensaries

Its incredibly easy to get. People go to those dispensaries, and they have a laundry list of ailments to give to those doctors that will just sign off on anything. You can pretty much go in there and go, Um, I intermittently blink all day. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, and I have to pee. And scary movies scare me. You need pot, here, take it.
#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 27 July 2011
  • Currently 4.15/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (52)

Church Bulletin Bloopers

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 27 July 2011
  • Currently 6.20/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (41)

We Wish You a Merry...Chrismukah?

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works about 1300 years. While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.
Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreidel, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.
Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreidel will be the more generic: "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.
One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.
Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful."

#joke #christmas
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 27 July 2010
  • Currently 4.03/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (36)

Life would be easier

Life would be easier if you could mark people as spam.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 30 June 2015
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

A farmer named Seamus had a ca...

A farmer named Seamus had a car accident.
In court, the lorry company's fancy hot shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.
"Didn't you say, to the Garda at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the solicitor.
Seamus responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the solicitor interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Seamus said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The solicitor interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Garda on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".
Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a garda on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Garda came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'"
"Now... what would you say?"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 06 November 2015
  • Currently 7.67/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (6)

Ten Thoughts to Ponder...

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

Number 2
In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT...

America knows exactly where one cow with mad-cow disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America, but they haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe the USA should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 06 January 2011
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Rating: 6.5/10 (53)

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