Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 29 July 2020
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 29 July 2020 |
When I realized I had eaten pe
When I realized I had eaten petrified PlayDough, I nearly had a hardy tack.The teenage son was having tro
The teenage son was having trouble mastering the fine points of balancing his new checking account."The bank returned the check you wrote to the sporting goods store," his mother said.
"Oh good," he replied, "Now I can use it to buy some stereo equipment!"
“The drunk didn't mi
“The drunk didn't mingle at the party. He just sot in the corner.”
Trust A Fellow Officer
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial -- it went like this:
Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.
Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A: Yes sir, with my life.
Q: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a locker room in the police station, a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes sir, we do.
Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes sir, I do.
Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes sir.
Q: Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?
A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.
You Gotta Hand It To Them
You’ve really gotta hand it to short people...
Because they usually can’t reach it for themselves.
A woman's perogative...
Little Mary was at her first wedding and gaped at the entire ceremony.
When it was over, she asked her mother, "Why did the lady change her mind?"
Her mother replied, "What do you mean?"
"Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came back with another one."
A man and his wife are dining...
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.The wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband, "she's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
Unheavenly blessed
Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning the Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!""What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."
The second nun said, " Well, I can top that, I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"
"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.
"I poked holes in all of them," she replied.
The third nun said, "Oh shit!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Nick Swardson: Down side of Magical Friends
One of my best friends is a professional magician. The only downside to having a magical friend is he always invites us on double dates, and thats the worst because Im a nice guy, but hes magic. Theres no way I can compete with that. He shows up, hes so smooth. Girls love him. Hes like, Hows it going? You look so beautiful tonight. Your hair -- is that a coin? Now, its a rose. Now, its money. And its like, I show up -- what am I gonna do? Im like, Hi, I brought you this rose. Now, its broken.Funny Humor About The Irish
This is a true story of the late Irish author Brendan Behan who one night collapsed in a diabetic coma in a Dublin street. It was at a time when he was at the height of his drunken notoriety and passes-by naturally thought he was dead drunk. They took him to the nearby surgery of one of Dublin's most fashionable and respected doctors. The doctor decided to take a cardiograph and, somewhat nervous of his patient, thought to humor him. He explained the workings of the cardiograph needle as it registered the faint heartbeats of the very sick and semiconscious Brendan.
"That needle there is writing down your pulses, Mr. Behan, and I suppose, in its own way, it is probably the most important thing you have ever written."
To which Behan replied: "Aye, and it's straight from me heart, too."
Three old ladies met on the street on a very stormy day. The wind was so strong and loud that they had difficulty in hearing each other.
"It's windy," said one.
"No, it's Thursday," said the next.
"So am I," said the third. "Let's go and have a drink!"
Pipe Organ
A local church built a new sanctuary. They moved their veryfine old pipe organ from to the new sanctuary. It was an
intricate task that was completed successfully.
The local news heralded . . . "St. Paul Completes Organ
Transplant."
Hospital Trolley
A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready. A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body. He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations. When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."
I'd tell you a chem...
“I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.”
