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Jokes of the day for Thursday, 20 August 2020

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 20 August 2020

NED: Did you know that arthrop

NED: Did you know that arthropods have hard shells made out of glucose?
ED: No way! You've gotta be chitin me!
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

If They Made Toasters

If They Made Toasters
If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away and that, indeed, the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters... They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.
If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.
If Xerox made toasters... You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.
If Radio Shack made toasters... The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
If Thinking Machines made toasters... You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.
If Cray made toasters... They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.
If the Rand Corporation made toasters... It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.
If the NSA made toasters... Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.
If Sony made toasters... The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.
If Timex made toasters... They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.
If Fisher Price made toasters... 'Baby's First Toaster' would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a jack-in-the-box.
If Microsoft made toasters... Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster '02 would weigh 15,000 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.
If Apple made toasters... It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but five years earlier.
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 4.44/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (9)

SLIDESHOW #44 - Funny Photo Slideshow

 Having A Very Bad Day


You Know You're Having a Bad Day When...

  1. Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists.
  2. You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.
  3. Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
  4. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
  5. You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold.
  6. You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
  7. Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
  8. Your income tax refund check bounces.
  9. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
  10. You wake up and your braces are stuck together.
  11. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.
  12. You put both contacts into the same eye.
  13. Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
  14. Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.
  15. You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your Mastercard.
  16. Nothing you own is actually paid for.
  17. Everyone loves your driver's licence picture, but you think it looks awful.
  18. The health inspector condems your office coffee maker.
  19. You invite the peeping Tom in... and he says no.
  20. The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.
  21. People think that you're 40 and you're only 25.
  22. When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age.
  23. You call your spouse and tell them that you'd like to eat out tonight and when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch.
  24. You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night...... and there aren't any.
  25. It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.


#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 8.75/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (4)

I Heard It

Little Mary talking to Little Johnny: I found twenty cents on the sidewalk.
Little Johnny: That's mine. I dropped a twenty-cent coin there this morning.
Little Mary: But, what I found was two ten-cent coins!
Little Johnny: That's it. I heard it break when it hit the ground.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 20 August 2019
  • Currently 8.12/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (17)

Bowling ball humor...

I worry about the germs in the holes of bowling balls. Nobody cleans those holes. There are years of impacted pizza fingers in there. Taco fingers. Chicken fingers. I'm amazed those balls still have holes. Ever smell a bowling ball hole? You think the balls are knocking down the pins? You're wrong. The pins are passing out from the smell.

-- Carolyn May

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 02 September 2017
  • Currently 6.53/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (17)

A man walks into a bar, he see

A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, "Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?"
The barman replies, "It's a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night."
"Great!" says the man, "but what if I can't reach them?"
"Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the barman answers.
"Do you want to try?"
"No, but thanks anyway."
"Why not?", asks the barman.
"The steaks are too high."
#joke #walksintoabar
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 25 February 2016
  • Currently 8.47/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (15)

Jupiter's Great Red Spot isn't...

Jupiter's Great Red Spot isn't a storm. It's where Chuck Norris puts his victims.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 20 August 2011
  • Currently 3.65/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (52)

Bee Inconspicuous

Two bees ran into each other. The first bee asked the other how things were going.
"Really bad," said the second bee. "The weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey."
"No problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fruit."
"Thanks for the tip," said the second bee, and he flew away.
A few hours later, the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "How'd it go?""Great!" said the second bee. "It was everything you said it would be."
"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.
"That's my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 20 August 2010
  • Currently 5.73/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (45)

A Meticulous Plan Goes Completely Wrong

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.

For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, “Up Nuts”, and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, “Down Nuts”, and they all sat back down in their seats.

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, “Cheer Nuts” They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, “Booooo Nuts” and they all started booing and cat calling.

Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress.

Finding his missing assistant, the doctor asked:” What in the world happened?”

The assistant replied: “Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, “PEANUTS!”

#joke #doctor #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 20 August 2018
  • Currently 8.36/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (36)

A guy goes to see the doctor...

A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's a little too well-endowed. In fact, it's 25 inches long and he can't get any women to have sex with him.
Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but recommends a witch doctor that he thinks might be able to help.
The witch doctor takes a look at the problem and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."
Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest. He finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Frog, will you marry me?"
The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."
The guy looks down and sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?"
The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"
Zappo! -- the guy's down to 15 inches. Well, that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Frog, will you marry me?"
The irritated frog yells back, "Look..how many times do I have to tell you? No, No, NO!"
#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 20 August 2016
  • Currently 8.79/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (34)

Learning by example...

Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher.

"Johnny," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear such talk, anyway?"

"My daddy said it," he responded.

"Well, that doesn't matter," explained the teacher. "You don't even know what it means."

"I do, too!" Little Johnny retorted. "It means the car won't start."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 20 August 2017
  • Currently 8.97/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (31)

Coffee?

Coffee? Oh, you mean my survival juice?

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 23 May 2015
  • Currently 8.44/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (9)

A mother and her young inquisi...

A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer), told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs, and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

The little boy admitted that she did.

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 05 January 2011
  • Currently 7.48/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (42)

You have 10

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says: "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man: "How long have I got?"

"You have 10," the doctor says sadly.

"What do you mean, 10?" the man asks: "10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!"

"Nine, eight...."

#joke #doctor
  • Currently 9.18/10

Rating: 9.2/10 (17)

Have a god Friday with short new jokes

I once went to a fancy dress party as a loaf of bread...
The birds were all over me.

I was at the doctors yesterday, and he said, "I'm afraid your results don't look too good."
"Why is that doctor?" I asked.
He said, "My printer has run out of ink!"

Did you hear about the constipated accountant...?
He couldn't budget..
So he worked it out with a pencil.

How do you get 100 math teachers into a room in which only 99 fit?
You carry the one.

A Mobius strip walks into a bar, sobbing.
The bartender asks, "What's wrong?"
The strip replies, "Where do I even begin?"

What’s blue and doesn’t weigh much?
Light blue.

I just passed my drug test...
My dealer has some explaining to do!

#joke #doctor #walksintoabar #friday #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 8.83/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (12)

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