Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 01 September 2020
Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 01 September 2020 |
Netflix: The
Netflix: The latest craze among fishermen.A tired homemaker opened the f
A tired homemaker opened the front door of her home to find a young minister from the neighborhood who said, "I'm collecting donations for the new children's home we're building. I hope you'll give what you can.""To be sure," said the beleaguered woman, "I'll give you two boys, two girls, or one of each."
Hits It Every Time
At a local gun show two guys were bragging about their wife's abilities.
"My wife's a fine shot. She can hit a dollar every time."
"That's nothing. My wife goes through my trousers and never misses a dime."
A woman went to the doctor's
A woman went to the doctor's office and was seen by one of the new young doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the firstdoctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and, without looking up, said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
Women Pump Gas Now
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
January 16, 1993
Escondido attorney Ben Echeverria filed a $2 million lawsuit in August against Texaco Inc. and a local gas station manager because station attendants were pumping gas for women at self-service prices, but not for men.
The station almost immediately stopped its practice and forced women to start pumping for themselves.
Family of tomatoes...
A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, “Ketchup!”
Chuck Norris was originally ca...
Chuck Norris was originally cast as Jack Bauer in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.A guy is stranded on a desert...
A guy is stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years. One day he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship."The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he says.
She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, "Wow! That's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"
And the man replies, "Oh my! Don't tell me you've got a computer in there!"
Whitney Cummings: Silent Treatment
Ladies, next time your man pisses you off, do not give him the silent treatment. Instead, go Google the most important game of the season, sit next to him during that game and just ask as many f**king questions as possible. I dont understand, whos that guy in the striped shirt? Does he work at Foot Locker? I dont understand, why are they all wearing the same outfit? When are we going to have a baby? Eventually he will shoot himself in the face, and you f**king win that argument.When I was married, my wife us...
When I was married, my wife used to call me handsome. As a matter of fact, we are now divorced but she STILL calls me handsome.Every time I have some money, she says, HANDSOME OVER.
Cow insults can be very hard t...
Cow insults can be very hard to diss heifer.Mr. Marlow was strolling...
Mr. Marlow was strolling through the country when he saw a stable with the most beautiful horse he ever laid eyes on. It was seventeen hands high and white, with rippling muscles and a fine, flowing mane. Mr. Marlow struck a deal to buy it from the owner who did, however, pass on one key piece of information."We are a religious family, Mr.Marlow, and we've instilled those values in our horse. To get him to gallop you must say 'Thanks God' to get him to stop you must say 'Our Father Who Art in Heaven," Settling into the saddle, Marlow said " Thanks God," and the animal took off. They rode for miles; suddenly they were coming up to a cliff. Unfortunately, Marlow couldn't remember the phrase to make the animal stop and tried every Biblical passage he could think of until, just a few feet from the edge of the cliff, he shouted, " Our Father Who Art in Heaven! The animal stopped instantly. Shaking and perspiring, Marlow reached into his pocket and pulled out a handkerchief. "Thanks God," he said as he mopped his brow...
Nice pigs sir
A Secret Service agent is standing at the bottom of the stairs as President Clinton is leaving Air Force One, and can't help but notice that the President has a pig under each arm.
The Agent salutes and says, "Welcome back, Mr. President. Nice pigs, sir."
Clinton smiles and says, "These aren't pigs. These are genuine Arkansas Razorbacks. I got this one for Hillary, and I got this one for Chelsea."
The Agent says, "Good trade, sir."
12 pirate jokes
1. Why is pirating so addictive?
Because once you lose yer first hand, you get hooked!
2. Why don't pirates shower before they walk the plank?
Because they'll wash up on shore later.
3. How do you save a dying pirate?
You give him CPARRRRR.
4. What happened when Bluebeard fell overboard in the Red Sea?
He got marooned.
5. Why do pirates suck at card games?
Because they always stand on the deck.
6. What did the pirate wear on Halloween?
A pumpkin patch.
7. A pirate goes to the doctor to have the spots on his arm examined. The doctor says: "They're benign."
The pirate replies: "No, no, doc, there be 11. I counted them before I came here."
8. Why'd the pirate go to the Apple store?
He needed a new iPatch!
9. Where can you find a pirate who has lost his wooden legs?
Right where ye left him.
10. What do ye call a pirate with two eyes and two legs?
A rookie.
11. What do you call a pirate with no arms and no legs?
An expert.
12. What does a vegan pirate have on its shoulder?
A carrot!
After spending a night at a ho...
After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute, the politician took $300 out of his wallet and placed it on the dressing table."Thanks," she said. "But I only charge $20."
"Twenty bucks for the entire night?" the amazed politician replied. "You can't make a living on that."
"Oh, don't worry," the whore replied. "I do a little blackmail on the side!"