Thoughts To Ponder
Thoughts To Ponder1. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
2. Why are the little styrofoam pieces called peanuts?
3. Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.
4. Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
5.Can a short person "talk down" to a taller person?
6. If a bald person works as a chef at a restaurant, do they have to wear a hairnet?
7. Do prison buses have emergency exits?
8. Do astronauts change their clocks when they move over different time zones in space?
9. When lightning strikes the ocean why don't all the fish die?
10. If a guy that was about to die in the electric chair had a heart attack should they save him?
11. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
12. If a nursing mother had her nipples pierced would the milk come out of all three holes?
13. If a stripper gets breast implants can she write it off on her taxes as a business expense?
14. Why do we sing "Rock a bye baby" to lull a baby to sleep when the song is about putting your baby in a tree and letting the wind crash the cradle on the ground?
15. If parents say, "Never take candy from strangers" then why do we celebrate Halloween?
16. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
17. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
18. Can cannibals be arrested for being under the influence of alcohol (e.g. drunk-driving) if they have eaten someone who was drunk?
19. What is the stage of a reptile when it has eggs in it but they haven't been laid. Are they pregnant?
20. If Mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?
Drape Alternative
So grateful somebody invented window blinds...
Or it would be curtains for all of us!
Business One-liners 79
It would be nice to be sure of anything the way some people are of everything.
It's always darkest just before it goes pitch black.
It's always darkest just before the lights go out.
It's always the wrong time of the month.
It's better to have loafed and lost than never to have loafed at all.
It's better to retire too soon than too late.
It's difficult to work in a group when you're omnipotent.
It's Good Enough For Government Work.
It's hell to work for a nervous boss, especially if you are why he's nervous!
A bad sign...
A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him out cold. A Passersby pulled him from the wreckage and revived him.
He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he had calmed down, they asked him why he had struggled so.
He said, a bit sheepishly, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of this huge, flashing sign. Turns out somebody was standing in front of the 'S' on the 'Shell' sign."
Lindt has a new chocolate ball
Lindt has a new chocolate ball; they call them Cocoanuts.Watching the game
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
'What are you doing?' she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
'What are you doing?' he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
She asked, 'What are you doing?'
He replied, 'Watching the game with my son-in-law.'
Bowlegged
Why are cowgirls always bowlegged?Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Family Bible
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. “Momma, look what I found,” the boy called out.
“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.
With astonishment in the his voice, he answered, “It's Adam's Suit!”
Musicians and Lightbulbs
Q: How many musicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, two, one, two, three, four!
Teacher and student
Teacher: "What is the chemical formula for water?" Student: "HIJKLMNO."
Teacher: "What are you talking about?"
Student: "Yesterday you said it's H to O!"