The man who broke up with hisThe man who broke up with his longtime girlfriend went on a consolational fruit-eating binge. When asked how he was handling it, the fellow merely raised a half-eaten piece of produce. “Can't you see,” he said, “I am in the depths of this pear.“
A man and his girlfriend are hA man and his girlfriend are having a sexual encounter.
He asks her to "go downtown", so, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts peering at his genitals, looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying the whole business.
After about five minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved voice, "Well, just what are you doing?"
She replied, "I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with no money -- just looking."
Soup for Dinner?
Tonight I’m gonna have possum soup made from Himalayan possum...
Because I found Himalayan on the road.
One day, Jimmy Jones was walki...One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
Bubba, where'd you git that truck?!?"
Tammie give it to me" Bubba replied.
"She give it to ya?
I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a New truck?"
"Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened.
We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres.Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,'Bubba, take whatever you want.' So I took the truck! "
"Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!"
What's with the nuts?
A guy goes into a bar. He's sitting on the stool, enjoying his drink when he hears, "You look great!" He looks around - there's nobody near him. He hears the voice again, "No really, you look terrific."
The guy looks around again. Nobody. He hears, "Is that a new shirt or something? Because you are absolutely glowing!" He then realizes that the voice is coming from a dish of nuts on the bar.
"Hey," the guy calls to the bartender, "What's with the nuts?"
"Oh," the bartender answers, "They're complimentary."
Calculate the number 1566
The Butt BiterA few years ago when my girlfriend still lived with her parents, I managed to pull a real lu-lu. I came out of the bathroom at the end of the hall in her parents' home and as I walked past my girlfriend's bedroom I saw her making the bed.
She was kneeling on the bed facing away from me, trying to tuck the sheets under the far side of the mattress. Of course this meant her luscious behind was sticking up and waving invitingly in the air. Well, there's few things I like more than gently sinking my teeth into a girl's nice behind, a habit which my girlfriend had already become familiar with.
So naturally I snuk up behind her behind and bit her butt. Imagine my horror when her mother's incredulous face turns around and looks back at me! She didn't know what the hell I was up to!
Of course I could've died of embarrassment at that moment. I stuttered a few words saying how I thought it was her daughter's butt (I don't think that would necessarily go over too well either!), apologized and got out of there.
The next thing I did was march downstairs and immediately tell her husband what had just happened – I'd much rather he heard it from me than her! Of course he laughed his head off and they all still tease me about it to this day.
And I later found out that my middle-aged mother-in-law was actually kind of thrilled to have someone mistake her butt for that of a 25-year-old.
Three old men
Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions.
One 75-year-old man says: "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at 7 a.m. and it takes me 20 minutes to pee."
An 80-year-old man says: "My case is worse. I get up at 8 a.m. and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."
The 90-year-old man says: "Not me. At 7 a.m. I pee like a horse and at 8 a.m. I crap like a cow."
"So what's your problem?" asked the others.
"I don't wake up until 9:00."
Brother -in-lawA man suffered a heart attack and had by-pass surgery. He awakened to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him how he was going to pay the bill.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he has money in the bank.
He replied "No money in the bank."
The nun asked " Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said "Just a spinster sister who is a nun."
The nun, slightly preturbed, said "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis