Jokes of the day for Monday, 09 November 2020
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 09 November 2020 |
Grammar 101
I’m giving up drinking until Christmas!
Sorry, bad punctuation.
I’m giving up, drinking until Christmas!
#joke #short #christmas
Performance problem
A man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?""Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces a proud physician, "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history."
So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way.
A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street. "Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful!"
"Well, I'm glad to hear that" says the pleased physician, "What does your wife think about it?"
"Wife?" asks the man, "I haven't been home yet."
#joke #doctor
A young woman visits her paren
A young woman visits her parents and brings her fiancé to meet them. After an elaborate dinner, the mother tells her husband to find out about the young man.The father invites the fiancée to his library for a drink. So what are your plans? The father asks the young man. I am a Torah scholar. He says. A Torah scholar, Hmmm, the father says. Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughterto live in, as she is accustomed to? I will study, the young man said, and God will provide for us.
And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves? asks the father. I will concentrate on my studies, the young man replies, God will provide for us.
And children? asks the father. How will you support children? Dont worry, sir, God will provide, replies the fiancé.
The conversation continues like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insist that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, How did it go, Honey?
The father answers, He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks Im God
#joke
Call me a pervert, but I once
Call me a pervert, but I once enjoyed watching a chickpea. Does that make me hummus sexual?#joke #short
Reasons Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
#joke
Three sons left home, went out...
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.The first said: "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third said: "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the Bible. Now she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, their mother sent out her letters of thanks. "William," she said, "the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house.
"Arnold," she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude! He's a pain!"
"But David," she said, "the chicken was delicious!"
#joke
Louis Katz: Hippie Roommate
I made the mistake of moving in with a hippie. Hippie roommate -- horrible mistake. Apparently, when they say peace and love, what they really mean is filthy and annoying. #joke #short
An angry wife to her husband o...
An angry wife to her husband on phone: "Where the hell are you?" Husband: "Darling, you remember that jewelery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it, and I didn't have money that time, and I said 'Baby it'll be yours one day'?"
Wife, with a smile and blushing: "Yeah I remember that my love!"
Husband: "I'm in the pub just next to that shop."
#joke
You Might Be A Redneck If ...
You might be a redneck if...You think cur is a breed of dog.
People hear your car long before they see it.
Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.
Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.
Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".
You've ever hitchhiked naked.
You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.
Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
#joke
Louisiana Highway Department e...
Louisiana Highway Department employees stopped at a farm and talkedwith an old farmer. The man in charge told the farmer, 'We need to inspectyour farm for a possible new road.'The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't get out in that pasture over there.'
The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card andsaid, 'I have the authority of the State of Louisiana to go anywhere I want.See this card? I will go wherever I wish.'
So the old farmer went about his chores.It wasn't too much later when the farmer heard loud screams and yelling.
He looked over and saw several Highway Department employees running fortheir lives and right behind was the farmer's huge prize bull. The bull was madder than a hornet's nest and was gaining on the Highway employees at every step.
The old farmer yelled out, 'Show him your card, Smart *ss.... Show himyour card!!
#joke
International Airline
Acronyms for International Airlines
Italy
ALITALIA = Always Late In The Air, Late In Arrival
ALITALIA = Arrived Late In Turin, And Luggage In Australia
Britain
BOAC = Better on a camel
Belgium
SABENA = Such A Bloody Experience Never Again
Pakistan
PIA = Please, Inform Allah
Yugoslavia
JAT = Joke About Time
Pacific Western Airlines
PWA = Pray While Aloft
PWA = Please Wait Awhile Airlines
Trans World Airlines = Teeney Weeny Airlines.
#joke
Two malls
Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.
Chris Rock (February 7 1965-)
Picture: AFP/Getty Images
#joke #short
Arj Barker: 4th of July
I read this on the Internet -- did you know that 4th of July is more popular in this country than in any other country in the whole world? #joke #short