Hear abHear about the bold new killer?
Tarzan had been living alone iTarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex. Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while.
Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch.
In pain she screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?"
Tarzan replied, "Always check for squirrels."
Purina DietA friend of mine has a big Labrador retriever. While I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart for him, a woman behind me in the check out line asked if it was for a dog (duh?).
On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet. The way that it works is you load all your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in the hospital last time because I'd been poisoned.
I told her no; I was sitting in the street licking my balls when a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a cardiac, and would require need help as he laughed so hard he fell to the floor.
My wife is incredibly smart.
When I called her from my buddy’s phone she answered, “Hey love!”
She already knew it was me.
How Many Dogs does it Take to Screw in a Light Bulb?Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border collie do it.. You can feed me while he's busy.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
A big city lawyer went duck hu...A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New Zealand and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Wairarapa. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
Find a famous person
A lady is walking down the str...A lady is walking down the street to work and see's a parrot in a pet store. She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "hey lady, you are really ugly."
Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot upon seeing her says, "hey lady, you are really ugly."
She was incredibly ticked now. The next day on the way to work she saw the same parrot and once again it said, "hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so furious that she stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store and have the bird killed. The store manager appologized profusely and promised the bird wouldn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "hey lady."
She paused and said," yes?"
The bird said, "you know."
What are you drawing?
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
Let him believeOne day in the Garden of Eden, Eve called out to God... "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?Ã¢Â€Â
Ã¢Â€ÂœLord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man,' Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time.
But, he'll be bigger, faster and more muscular than you. He'll also need your advice to think properly. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about, hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"
"Yeah, well.... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.
"Hello," he starts, "I'm doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?"
"Yes. My husband and I use it during sex," she answers.
The researcher is taken aback. "Um, er, I admire you for your honesty," he continues. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?"
"Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can't get in."