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Jokes of the day for Friday, 04 December 2020

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 04 December 2020

When a patient regained consci

When a patient regained consciousness after an operation, the surgeon told her: "I'm really sorry, but I'm afraid we're going to have to open you up again. You see, unfortunately I left my rubber gloves inside you."
The patient said: "Well, if that's all it is, I'd prefer you to leave me alone and I'll buy you a new pair."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 4.14/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (7)

One Too Many

In other news, the seven dwarfs have been advised that they can only meet in groups of 6...
One of them isn’t Happy!

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 7.09/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (11)

SLIDESHOW #26 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Q. When is a retiree's bedtim

Q. When is a retiree's bedtime?
A. Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Q. How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Only one, but it might take all day.
Q. What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
A. There is not enough time to get everything done.
Q. Why don't retirees mind being called senior citizens?
A. The term comes with a 10% discount.
Q. Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
A. Tied shoes.
Q. Why do retirees count pennies?
A. They are the only ones who have the time.
Q. What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
A. NUTS!
Q. Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
A. They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Q. What do retirees call a long lunch?
A. Normal
Q. What is the best way to describe retirement?
A. The never-ending Coffee Break.
Q. What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
A. If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Q. Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
A. He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 24 February 2020
  • Currently 5.43/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (7)

I can't stop talking abo...

I can't stop talking about the apocalypse. Armageddon too old for that!
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 November 2009
  • Currently 2.20/10

Rating: 2.2/10 (5)

One day an engineer dies.He wa...

One day an engineer dies.He was kind that built lots of things, like air conditioners.When he went to heaven he met God. God says "Go to hell, you're not on my list."
So after going 30,255,391 stairs to hell, he lets the devil know who he is and so the devil says "Hey, come on in!"
In hell the engineer built airplanes, buildings, cars, etc. God sees this and says "Hey devil, you know that engineer guy. He needs to come back to heaven."
The devil says "Are you crazy, I'm not gonna let you have him." To which God says "If you dont let me have him, I'll sue."
Devil says "You can't sue! You dont even have lawyers up there!"
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 04 December 2009
  • Currently 4.79/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (82)

Chuck Norris doesn't read book...

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 04 December 2011
  • Currently 3.19/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (52)

In Wales, after a road acciden...

In Wales, after a road accident, police instruct motorists to drive Caerphilly.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 04 December 2009
  • Currently 3.81/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (47)

A prisoner in jail receives a ...

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."

The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 04 December 2011
  • Currently 7.98/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (42)

Colin Quinn: New Yorkers Take a Compliment

You can always tell who was raised in New York by how they take a compliment when theyre an adult. Nice haircut. Screw you. Whats wrong with it?
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 04 December 2011
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (30)

Hunting jokes

Two hunters are lost in the woods.
After wandering around for a couple hours they decide to weigh their options, one says:
"I heard if you shoot in the air someone will hear and come to your rescue".
So they fire a few times in the air and wait, nothing happens so they try again a couple more times, after a few hours of this they're starting to get worried
and one says: "I hope we get help soon",
To which the other responds, "I know right, I am almost out of arrows"!

*************

"If you're planning to go to the forest, always remember to pack a radio, a flare and a pack of cards.
If you get lost, you can try to use the radio to call someone.
If you run out of batteries, you can shot the flare up into the air...
The cards? Well, if the radio doesn't work and the flare gets wet, you sit down and play solitary.
Sooner than later
someone will tap you in the shoulder to ask you
why don't you move the queen of hearts to the king of clubs"

*************

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.
He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed, so his friend calls 911.
"My friend is dead! What should I do?"
The operator replies, "Calm down, sir.
I can help.
First make sure that he's dead."
There's a silence, then a loud bang.
Back on the phone, the guy says,
"OK, now what?"

*************

Two inexperienced hunters are out in the woods, and after a while they come upon some tracks.
"These are bear tracks!" the first hunter exclaims.
"No, idiot, they're deer tracks!" the second one retorts.
"No, moron ..."
And they go on like this for hours, until a train hits them.

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 6.71/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (7)

My Brother, Taco

Alexander Graham Bell: “I invented the telephone!”
His brother, Taco: “I’m working on some pretty big stuff too.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 3.17/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (6)

Laying Turf

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about a job. In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"

"I'm sorry," came the reply.

"But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 01 June 2015
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (7)

Dumb Horse

A guys car broke down. He pulled over to the side of the road.Luckly there was a farm near by.He asked the farmer if he could help. The farmer said "sure just let me get my horse, Bruce. So they hooked the car up. The farmer called out to his horse,giddyup Sonya!
The horse did'nt move. Giddyup Tonya! The horse did'nt move. Giddyup Bruce! The horse moved. So when they got back they fixed the mans car. The man said thank you and then asked the farmer why he called different names."

Well" the farmer started, "Bruce won't do anything if he knows he's the only one doing it."

#joke
  • Currently 9.55/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (11)

Sex is like money...

Sex is like money:
When you've got it, you don't think of it;
when you haven't any, you think of nothing else.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 07 September 2008
  • Currently 6.55/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (11)

Changed my Facebook name to 'No one'

Just changed my Facebook name to 'No one', so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say 'No one likes this'.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 03 October 2018
  • Currently 7.70/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (10)

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