Jokes of the day for Monday, 28 December 2020
Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 28 December 2020 |
The unwritten 11th commandment
The unwritten 11th commandment was “Thou shalt not bray like an animal.” But it was never officially goatified.After meeting with the boss, t
After meeting with the boss, the head salesperson mustered the troops."People," he said, "I've just been informed that we're going to be having a fire sale."
"A fire sale?" spoke up one agent. "But we sell insurance."
"I said a fire sale, and I meant it," he replied rather coldly. "Anyone who doesn't make a sale gets fired...."
The 6th grade science teacher,
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "What human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework.
And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
I Sing Beautifully
During tryouts for one of the chorus positions in the upcoming musical The Sound of Music, one of the girls told the judges, "Mother says I sing beautifully."
The judge replied, "Bring me a recommendation from your neighbors and I'll give you a tryout."
Another wife?
At the pre-birth class for couples who'd already had at least one child the instructor raised the question of how to break the news to an older child.
"Some parents tell the older child, 'We love you so much that we decided to bring another child into our family.'
"But think about that for a second. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'?"
One of the women spoke up right away, "Does she cook?"
One Monday morning a postman i...
One Monday morning a postman is walking the neighbourhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles."Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the postman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. We got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'Who Am I.'"
The postman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."
Mr. Baldwin, the biology teach...
Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary, "Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and state the conditions."Mary gasped and said in a huff, "Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an inappropriate question and my parents are going to hear of it when I get home!" She sat down, red-faced.
"Susan, can you tell me the answer?" asked Mr. Baldwin
"The pupil of the eye, under dark conditions," said Susan.
"Correct. Now Mary, I have three things to say to you. First, you have not studied your lesson. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, boy are you going to be disappointed someday!"
Once there was a little boy th...
Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time.The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally,the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper.Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today.It was you, wasn't it son?"
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."
A Joke for Kids
Q: Why was Adam a famous runner?
A: Because he was first in the human race.
A Barbie Doll
One day a fella was driving home when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and *shock* he hadn't bought her anything. Out of the corner of his eye he notices a shopping mall. Knowing that it was 'now or never', he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking bay and runs into the mall.
After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of the shop assistant. When asked what he'd like, he simply says: "a Barbie Doll".
The shop assistant looks at him in a condescending manner and asks, "So Sir, which Barbie would that be?"
The man looks surprised so the assistant continues, "We have Barbie Goes To the Ball at $19.99, Barbie goes Shopping at $19.99, Barbie goes Clubbing at $19.99, Barbie Goes To The Gym at $19.99, Cyber Barbie at $19.99 and Divorced Barbie at $249.99."
The man can't help himself and asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $249.99 when all those other Barbies are selling for $19.99???"
"Well Sir, that's quite obvious!" says the assistant,
"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture ....
Too Much Time at the
Starting the day with a conversation between a wife and a husband who happens to be a software engineer.Husband : (Returning late from work) "Good Evening Dear, I'm now logged in."
Wife : Have you brought the grocery? Husband : Bad command or filename.
Wife : But I told you in the morning Husband : Erroneous syntax. Abort?
Wife : What about my new TV? Husband : Variable not found ...
Wife : At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping. Husband : Sharing Violation. Access denied...
Wife : Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny? Husband : Too many parameters ...
Wife : It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you. Husband : Data type mismatch.
Wife : You are useless. Husband : It's by Default.
Wife : What about your Salary? Husband : File in use ... Try after some time.
Wife : What is my value in the family. Husband : Unknown Virus
Neal Brennan: Shut It Down
If you work in porn, I dont know if you and your coworkers know this, but we have enough porn. You dont have to keep making it. You did a great job, we appreciate your service, but you can shut it down.Two quick ones...
Did you hear about the psychic amnesiac? He knew in advance what he was going to forget.
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Did you hear about the new restaurant that just opened up on the moon? Great food, but no atmosphere.
No worries
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now, he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I'll start you at eighty thousand."
"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
Absentee Slips
In the HR department in the large corporation where I work, I receive absentee slips for all the employees.
Over the years I’ve heard every excuse, but the other day I found one in my voicemail that I never heard before.
“I won’t be in today,” said my absent coworker. “I’ll call back later with an excuse.”