Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 13 January 2021
Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 13 January 2021 |
They Were Everywhere
I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years because I found out she was a communist...
I should have known, there were red flags everywhere.
More snow
It was a disastrous year for the farmers. The snow fell and fell until the government relief agency had to step in and lend a hand."It must have been terrible," said the government man to a farmer. "All that snow."
"Could have been worse," calmly answered the farmer. "My neighbor had more snow than me."
"How's that?" asked the government man.
"More land," replied the farmer.
The boss ordered one of his me...
The boss ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet deep. After the job was completed the boss returned and explained an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered.The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving amound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem.
The boss snorted. "Honestly! The kind of help you get these days! There's obviously only one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!"
Chuck Norris' belly button is ...
Chuck Norris' belly button is actually a power outlet.A young Southern boy goes off...
A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the waythrough the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money hisparents gave him.Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won'tbelieve the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why,they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog OleBlue how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him inthat program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get himinto the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.
About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy callshis father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believethis they've had such good results with this program that they'veimplemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get himin that program? "
Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends themoney.
The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father willfind out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is allexcited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and readsomething!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, justbefore we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking backin the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then heturned to me and asked, ' So, is your daddy still messin' around with thatlittle redhead who lives on Oak Street ?'
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talksto your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
Rickey Smiley: White Church
I joined a white church because white people get out on time.You might be a redneck if 57
You might be a reneck if...You live close enough to town to get garbage service, but don't use it because they won't come down your driveway to get it.
The fellows on the big garbage moving equipment recoginze your wife.... and wave to her.
Your wife picks thru your garbage cans looking for any bait that may have grown in them since the last time you went.
You have ever removed the 3-9 zoom scope from your deer rifle to use at a KISS concert.
You have more than 2 used pampers rolling around in the back of your truck.
When you put your hunting boots on you only get them on the right feet 50% of the time.
Your idea of a neighborhood watch program is tuning into "America's Most Wanted".
You own more than two clappers.
You go to Wal-Mart to people watch.
You recycle enough Copenhagen lids to buy Christmas presents.
Once there was this man whose...
Once there was this man whose car broke down. He realized after looking for help for 10 minutes that there was a small farmhouse with an old lady sitting on the porch. He told her his unfortunate story and she gladly let him in. But first she told him, "I have three rules that you mustn't break or I'll see to it that you meet justice! But since talking hurts my throat so much, I won't tell you my rules."She let him sleep in the laundry room. He found himself a comfortable pile of old wool sweaters. After puffing his "pillow" he realized that a pair of pants were hanging down from a clothes line over top of his new bed. Seeing that it was no big deal he pulled them down. Instantly the old lady darted into the room and said, "You broke my first rule!"
He was sent outside to sleep in the donkey's stable. Right beside him was a tiny donkey kicking him so much that he slapped it. In a flash grandma was there: "You broke the second rule. Watch out."
He was sent onto the porch to sleep. All of a sudden a big, ugly cat came along and started rubbing all over him. Being allergic to cat hair, he shaved it bald. Here came the grandma. "You broke the third rule," she starts, "I'm calling the cops."
The cops came and requested a description of what happened. The old lady said, "That man is a damned rapist. He pulled down my pants, slapped my ass and shaved my pussy!"
The robbery at the Saudi garment
The robbery at the Saudi garment factory was an inside hijab.Money From God
A little boy who wanted $100 very badly prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to God requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter to "God, USA," they decided to send it to President Clinton. The president was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. Mr. Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5, and immediately sat down to write a thank you note to God which read "Dear God, Thank you for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C., and as usual, those bastards deducted $95."
7 short Jokes for the Weekend's Approach
What do clouds wear underneath their pants?
Thunderwear.
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
He says “Doc I have been having really strange dreams for the last month”. Doc asks “Ok. What are the dreams?”. Bloke says “It’s like there is a football World Cup going on. Every night I see a football match but with donkeys! It’s driving me crazy! That’s all I think about all day”.
Doc smiles, thinks for a while, and says “Ok. Here is a prescription. Take 2 pills tonight before sleeping and you won’t have any of those dreams any longer.”
Bloke thanks the doctor profusely, gets up and walks to the door. He pauses, turns around and asks the doc “Doc if it is ok, can I start the medicine from tomorrow night?”. Doc looks puzzled and asks him “Why? Why not tonight?”. Bloke looks down and whispers “Tonight is the final”.
What’s your net worth?
However many fish it catches that day!
Before going away the neighbours gave me a spare key to feed their cat.
Poor thing choked to death on it.
I told my neighbours they could eat whatever they wanted when they housesat for me.
Damn, I miss that goldfish.
Did you hear about the bartender that pushed his wife off a cliff? He made a Bloody Mary on the rocks.
Everyday someone tells me to exercise
So, I got a dog and named it 'Twenty Miles'. This way I can tell people that I walk twenty miles everyday.
Smoking Pot
Told my wife I was going to start smoking pot.
She said if I did she was going to leave me.
That's proof that it gets rid of aches and pains!