Jokes of the day for Friday, 05 February 2021

Not so famous last words Not so famous last words
1. It's fireproof.
2. He's probably just hibernating.
3. What does this button do?
4. It's probably just a rash.
5. Are you sure the power is off?
6. The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!
7. Pull the pin and count to what?
8. Which wire was I supposed to cut?
9. I wonder where the mother bear is.
10. I've seen this done on TV.
11. These are the good kind of mushrooms.
12. I'll hold it and you light the fuse.
13. Let it down slowly.
14. It's strong enough for both of us.
15. This doesn't taste right.
16. I can make this light before it changes.
17. Nice doggie.
18. I can do that with my eyes closed.
19. I've done this before.
20. What duck?
21. Well, we've made it this far.
22. That's odd.
23. Don't be so superstitious.

#joke

Have To Leave the Room

My office was so small...
I had to leave the room to change my mind.

Attached is some correspondence

Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a Londonhotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel involvedsubmitted this to the Sunday Times.
WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THOSE "FREE" SOAPS WHEN TRAVELLING
***
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroomsince I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the sixunopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and anotherthree in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you,S. Berman
---
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, fromher day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish asyou requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and puton top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind.This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from themanagement is to leave 3 soaps daily.
I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
---
Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning thelittle bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I foundyou had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. Iam going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my ownbath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on theshelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Pleaseremove them.
S. Berman
---
Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which weare instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in yourway on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. Iput the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience.I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed insidethe medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not objectto when you checked in last Monday. Please let meknow if I can of further assistance. Your regular maid,
Dotty
---
Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that youcalled him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maidservice. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you willaccept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have anyfuture complaints please contact me so I can give it my personalattention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
---
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel forbusiness at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's thereason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty.I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those littlebars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was anew check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in mymedicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on thebath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little barsof soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
---
Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to yourroom and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance,please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
---
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my roomincluding my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had tocall the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
---
Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. Icannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids areinstructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. Thesituation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies forthe inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
---
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in lastnight and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little barsof Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize Ihave 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial.Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman
---
Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Thenyou complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so Ipersonally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know anythingabout the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not knowI had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 dailyCamays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-sizeDial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in yourroom.
Elaine CarmenHousekeeper
---
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.As of today I possess:
- On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1stack of 2.
- On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
- On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4. - Inside medicinecabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
- On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used. - Onnorthwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks areneatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of morethan 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom windowsill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soapdeliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sizedDial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid furthermisunderstandings.

There were four men, one from ...

There were four men, one from China, Greenland, America and one
from Australia.
One night they were bragging on how good their country are. The
Chinese said, "my country is the best cause we have the great
wall."
The Greenlander said, "no, mine is the best as we have the
greenest greenest grass."
The American said, "no, mine is the best as we have our flag 50
stars and 50 stripes."
The Australian said, "no, mine is the greatest country as we
have the kangaroo which will jump over the great wall, shit on
the greenest greenest grass and wipe its ass on the American
flag."

Angry Witch

Q. What do you call an angry Witch?
A. Ribbit

Head Goes To The Bar

A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.
Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."

An old man goes to the Wizard ...

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

Son of a lawyer

While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two 5-year-old boys were getting acquainted.

"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Adam," replied the second.

"My daddy is a doctor. What does YOUR daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.

Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Joshua.

"No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.

Talking clock

While proudly showing off his new fraternity house to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.

"That's the talking clock", the man replied, with a grin. "Let me show you how it works!" And with that, he gave the gong an ear-shattering pound with the hammer.

Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU IDIOT! IT'S 2 AM!"

I Grilled A Chicken

I grilled a chicken for two hours...
It still wouldn't tell me why it crossed the road.

Christmas sign of the times....

As a little boy climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?" The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

Rubick's Cube

What do Rubick's Cubes and penises have in common?

- The more you play with them, the harder they get.

Snowboarding Lesson

When you're 47 years old, you sometimes hear a small voice inside you that says: "Just because you've reached middle age, that doesn't mean you shouldn't take on new challenges and seek new adventures. You get only one ride on this crazy carousel we call life, and by golly you should make the most of it."
This is the voice of Satan.
I know this because recently, on a mountain in Idaho, I listened to this voice, and as a result my body feels as though it has been used as a trampoline by the Budweiser Clydesdales.
I am currently on an all-painkiller diet. "I'll have a black coffee and 250 Advil tablets" is a typical breakfast order for me these days.
This is because I went snowboarding.
For those of you who, for whatever reason, such as a will to live, do not participate in downhill winter sports, I should explain that snowboarding is an activity that is popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.
These are of course young people, fearless people, people with 100 percent synthetic bodies who can hurtle down a mountainside at 50 miles per hour and knock down mature trees with their faces and then spring to their feet and go, "Cool."
People like my son. He wanted to try snowboarding, and I thought it would be good to learn with him, because we can no longer ski together.
We have a fundamental difference in technique: He skis via the Downhill Method, in which you ski down the hill; whereas I ski via the Breath-Catching Method, in which you stand sideways on the hill, looking as athletic as possible without actually moving muscles (this could cause you to start sliding down the hill).
If anybody asks if you're OK, you say, "I'm just catching my breath!" in a tone of voice that suggests that at any moment you're going to swoop rapidly down the slope; whereas in fact you're planning to stay right where you are, rigid as a statue, until the spring thaw.
At night, when the Downhillers have all gone home, we Breath-Catchers will still be up there, clinging to the mountainside, chewing on our parkas for sustenance.
So I thought I'd take a stab at snowboarding, which is quite different from skiing.
In skiing, you wear a total of two skis, or approximately one per foot, so you can sort of maintain your balance by moving your feet, plus you have poles that you can stab people with if they make fun of you at close range.
Whereas with snowboarding, all you get is one board, which is shaped like a giant tongue depressor and manufactured by the Institute of Extremely Slippery Things. Both of your feet are strapped firmly to this board, so that if you start to fall, you can't stick a foot out and catch yourself. You crash to the ground like a tree and lie there while skiers swoop past and deliberately spray snow on you.
Skiers hate snowboarders. It's a generational thing. Skiers are (and here I am generalizing) middle-aged Republicans wearing designer space suits; snowboarders are defiant young rebels wearing deliberately drab clothing that is baggy enough to cover the snowboarder plus a major appliance. Skiers like to glide down the slopes in a series of graceful arcs; snowboarders like to attack the mountain, slashing, spinning, tumbling, going backward, blasting through snowdrifts, leaping off cliffs, getting their noses pierced in midair, etc.
Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.
I took my snowboarding lesson in a small group led by a friend of mine named Brad Pearson, who also once talked me into jumping from a tall tree while attached only to a thin rope.
Brad took us up on a slope that offered ideal snow conditions for the novice who's going to fall a lot: Approximately seven flakes of powder on top of an 18-foot-thick base of reinforced concrete.
You could not dent this snow with a jackhammer. (I later learned, however, that you COULD dent it with the back of your head.)
We learned snowboarding via a two step method:
Step One: Watching Brad do something.
Step Two: Trying to do it ourselves.
I was pretty good at Step One. The problem with Step Two was that you had to stand up on your snowboard, which turns out to be a violation of at least five important laws of physics.
I'd struggle to my feet, and I'd be wavering there and then the Physics Police would drop a huge chunk of gravity on me, and WHAM my body would hit the concrete snow, sometimes bouncing as much as a foot.
"Keep your knees bent!" Brad would yell, helpfully.
Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? As if that would solve anything. I wanted to shout back, "Forget my Knees! Do Something About these Gravity Chunks!"
Needless to say my son had no trouble at all. None. In minutes he was cruising happily down the mountain; you could actually see his clothing getting baggier. I, on the other hand, spent most of my time lying on my back, groaning, while space-suited Republicans swooped past and sprayed snow on me.
If I hadn't gotten out of there, they'd have completely covered me; I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of 47-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding.
So I think, when my body heals, I'll go back to skiing. Maybe sometime you'll see me out on the slopes, catching my breath. Please throw me some food.

World Teachers' Day Jokes

On 5th October we appreciate our educators with World Teachers' Day! Here are some light-hearted teacher jokes:

Why did the math book look sad?
Because it had too many problems.

Teacher: Give me a sentence beginning with ‘I’.
Student: I is the…
Teacher: Remember you must say ‘I am’ not ‘I is’.
Student: All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Q: Who’s the king of the classroom?
A: The ruler.

Q: What’s the longest word in the dictionary?
A: Smiles. Because there’s a mile between the first letter and the last.

Teacher: Why are you late for school?
Student: Because of a sign down the road.
Teacher: What does the sign have to do with you being late?
Student: The sign said, “School Ahead, Go Slow!”

Q: Why did the teacher wear sunglasses on the first day of school?
A: She heard her classes were super bright!

Teacher: If I had 8 oranges in one hand and 10 apples in the other hand, what would I have?
Student: Big hands!

Teacher: We will only have a half-day of school this morning…
Students: Yay!!!!
Teacher: Then we will have the other half this afternoon.

Teacher: What is the most common phrase used in school?
Student: I don’t know!
Teacher: Correct!

Teacher: What are two pronouns?
Student: Who? Me?

#worldteachersday

A gentleman is preparing to bo...

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt?’” Only one word leaps to mind. “My goodness,” thinks the gentleman, “I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word.” The gentleman thinks for quite a while, and then it hits him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman says, “I think the word you're looking for is ‘aunt.’” “Of course,” says the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”