Q: Why did the Police Offi
Q: Why did the Police Officer put a bra on the road?
A: To put a booby trap.
Ballerina Toes
Ballerinas are always on their toes...
Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?
A mother took her little boy t
A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper'.”
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."
The father looked at him and said, "Okay, just whisper in my ear."
Some new vocabulary
arachnoleptic fit, noun:
The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
Beelzebug, noun:
Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.
bozone, noun:
The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down at any time in the future.
cashtration, noun:
The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
caterpallor, noun:
The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
dopelar effect, noun:
(1) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.
(2) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
extraterrestaurant, noun:
An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented on. Also known as ETry.
foreploy, noun:
Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex.
Grantartica, noun:
The cold, isolated place where arts companies without funding dwell.
intaxication, noun:
Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
kinstirpation, noun:
A painful inability to get rid of relatives who come to visit.
lullabuoy, noun:
An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.
Two old women were sitting on
Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buseswere running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned tothe other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my buttfell asleep!'.The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring!"
A guy goes into a drugstore to...
A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms."What size?" asks the clerk.
"Gee, I don't know."
"Go see Sophie in aisle 4."
He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!"
The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.
Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells,
"Large!"
The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.
A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.
"What size?"
The kid embarrassedly says, "I've never done this before. I don't know what size."
The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4.
She grabs him and yells,
"Clean up in aisle 4!"
Look carefully at the pictur...
A stage....
During a performance for the high school talent show at the local theater, a hole was cracked in the stage floor. Subsequent acts managed to avoid the damaged area until little Freddy, juggling bowling pins, accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knee.
He apologized to the audience for his clumsiness. But a heckler in the back of the theater shouted:
"Don't worry, Freddy! It's just a stage you're going through!"
There was once a man who lived...
There was once a man who lived in a poor country. He went to law school and became a very intelligent person. Years later, he decided to go back to his country to show them how worthy he is. He started his own office. The next day, he saw a man walking into his office. He picked up the phone and gestered the man to come in and pretended he was talking to very famous people and cancelling meetings with presidents, etc. After he put down the phone several minutes later, he apologized to the man and said, "Sorry to keep you waiting. As you can see, I'm a very busy man. What can I do for you?" The man smiled and said, "I'm from the telephone company. I'm here to hook up you phone."Greatest Comedian in the Bible
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Getting to Heaven from the Post Office
A preacher, newly called to a small country town, needed to mail a letter. Passing a young boy on the street, the pastor asked where he could find the post office. After getting his answer, the minister thanked the boy and said, “If you’ll come to the community church this evening, you can hear me tell everyone how to get to heaven.” “I don’t know, sir,” the boy replied. “You don’t even know how to get to the post office!”