Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 17 February 2021

Boy: you're really pretty

Boy: you're really pretty
Girl:thanks
Boy:I wish there was something between us
Girl:I do too
Boy:really?! Like what?
Girl: a wall!

Wake Up Little Johnny

Mother (to sleeping Little Johnny): "Little Johnny, wake up! It’s twenty to eight."
Little Johnny (half asleep): "In whose favor?"

As Gayle was getting to know J

As Gayle was getting to know Jim and his family, she was very impressed by how much his parents loved each other.
"They're so thoughtful," Gayle said. "Why, your dad even brings your mom a cup of hot coffee in bed every morning."
After a time, Gayle and Jim were engaged, and then they married. On the way from the wedding to the reception, Gayle again remarked on Jim's loving parents and even the coffee in bed.
"Tell me," she said, "does it run in the family?"
"It sure does," replied Jim. "And I take after my mom."

Missing parrot...

There once was a lady who was very concerned about her missing parrot. Not knowing what to do, she called 911. "You gotta help me find my parrot!" The operator patiently replied, "We can't help you with that, ma'am. This number only deals with emergencies."

But the lady persisted, and then the operator told her not to be concerned, that the parrot should fly back in a few days.

Then, out of desperation, the lady begged, "But you don't understand! The only thing he knows how to say is, "Here, kitty, kitty!!!"

You can never tell which way t

You can never tell which way the train went by lookingat the track.
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrongconclusion with confidence.
Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damnfool discovers something which either abolishes thesystem or expands it beyond recognition.
Technology is dominated by those who manage what theydo not understand.
If builders built buildings the way programmers wroteprograms, then the first woodpecker that came alongwould destroy civilization.
The opulence of the front office decor varies inverselywith the fundamental solvency of the firm.
The attention span of a computer is only as long as itelectrical cord.
An expert is one who knows more and more about less andless until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universeand he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet painton it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
All great discoveries are made by mistake.
Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
All's well that ends.
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept andthe hours are lost.
The first myth of management is that it exists.
A failure will not appear till a unit has passed finalinspection.
New systems generate new problems.
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires acomputer.
We don't know one millionth of one percent aboutanything.
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishablefrom magic.
A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20men working 20 years make.
The faster a computer is, the faster it will reach acrashed state.
Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss puttingin an honest day's work.
Some people manage by the book, even though they don'tknow who wrote the book or even what book.
The primary function of the design engineer is to makethings difficult for the fabricator and impossible forthe serviceman.
To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job willtake the longest and cost the most.
After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is saidthan done.
Any circuit design must contain at least one part which isobsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three partswhich are still under development.
A complex system that works is invariably found to haveevolved from a simple system that works.
If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, trymultiplying by the page number.
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even moreunreliable. Any system which depends on humanreliability is unreliable.
Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down thatmight go into a "Pearl Harbor File."
Under the most rigorously controlled conditions ofpressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and othervariables the organism will do as it damn well pleases.
If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the oddsthat the competition already has the order.
In designing any type of construction, no overall dimen-sion can be totaled correctly after 4:30 p.m. on Friday. Thecorrect total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. onMonday.
Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where ititches.
All things are possible except skiing through a revolvingdoor.
The only perfect science is hind-sight.
Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.
If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
If there is a possibility of several things going wrongthe one that will cause the most damage will be the oneto go wrong.
Everything that goes up must come down.
Any instrument when dropped will roll into the leastaccessible corner.
Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicatedway.
Build a system that even a fool can use and only a foolwill want to use it.
The degree of technical competence is inverselyproportional to the level of management.
Any attempt to print Murphy's laws will jam the printer.

Slept with

An old couple were talking. The wife asked her husband, "How many women have you slept with?"

"Only you, Darling,” the man replied proudly. “With all the others I was awake."

Its hard to describe in one se...

Its hard to describe in one sentence the Obama legacy so far. What with earning a Nobel Peace Prize, getting U.S. troops out of Iraq and Afghanistan, closing Guantanamo Bay, trying terrorists in Federal Courts on U.S. soil, stopping the influx of illegal aliens, creating jobs, lowering the deficit, balancing the budget and cutting the cost of medical treatment while insuring the masses.
Some critics have asked the difference between Obama's accomplishments and a car battery.
A car battery has a positive side.

Whenever John wanted to have s...

Whenever John wanted to have sex he would say to Mary "Lets do some laundry, honey".

Well one day Mary felt horny so she said to John "Honey, how about doing some laundry?"

John replied "No thanks honey, I only had a small load so I did it by hand.

A guy sees an advertisement in...

A guy sees an advertisement in a pet-shop window: "Talking Centipede $100."
The guy goes in and buys it. He gets home, opens the box and asks the centipede if he wants to go for a beer.
The centipede doesn't answer, so the guy closes the lid, convinced he's been swindled. Thirty minutes later he decides to try again.
He raises his voice and shouts, "Do you want to go for a beer?"
The centipede pokes his head out of the box and says, "Pipe down! I heard you the first time. I'm putting on my shoes!"

The Jewish Boy and the Muslim Boy

David, a Jewish boy, and Ali, a Muslim boy, are having a conversation.
Ali: I'm getting operated on tomorrow.
David: Oh? What are they going to do?
Ali: Circumcise me!
David: I had that done when I was just a few days old.
Ali: Did it hurt?
David: I couldn't walk for a year!

Don't Even Think About It

Tom decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally spoke.

"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, handloading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat".

Tom gets this horrified look on his face.

She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't. "

10 yo-yo jokes to celebrate National yo-yo day

1. Why don't yo-yos make good friends?
- Because they always let you down!

2. What did the yo-yo say to the tightrope?
- "Now, that's what I call a string walk!"

3. How do yo-yos cheer each other up?
- They say, "Hang in there, it'll be an up and down ride!"

4. Why was the yo-yo so good at making decisions?
- It always knew how to go back and forth!

5. Why don't yo-yos work in zero gravity?
- They can't deal with the ups and downs!

6. What did the yo-yo say to the super glue?
- "I need someone who won't let go!"

7. Why was the yo-yo the life of the party?
- Because it always knew how to unwind!

8. How did the yo-yo become a successful motivational speaker?
- It always knew how to bounce back!

9. What do yo-yos say when they introduce themselves?
- "I’m not as up-tight as I appear!"

10. Why was the yo-yo accused of being a spy?
- Because it always goes undercover!

The Auction

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"
"Don't worry," said the auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Why is 6 afraid of 7? 
Because 7,8,9.

Two dumb fishermen

Two fishermen, Paul and Jim, decided to rent a boat on a lake for their favorite sport. After fishing for 4 hours at various places around the lake with no luck at all they decided to try one more spot before calling it quits. Suddenly things started to happen and they caught their limit inside of twenty minutes.

Paul said, Hey we should mark this spot, so next time we will know where to come,

Jim says good idea, and he took out a can of spray paint and made a large X on the floor of the boat to mark the spot.

With that Paul says, why did you do that, now anyone who rents this boat will know where to fish.