Jokes of the day for Saturday, 20 February 2021

Ted and Julie go to bed with e

Ted and Julie go to bed with each other for the first time.
Julie: "I should warn you, Ted -- I've got acute angina."
Ted: "Your breasts aren't bad either."

Handy Man 'To Do' List

Hired a handy man and gave him a list. When I got home, only items #1, 3, & 5 were done.
Turns out, he only does odd jobs.

How do white fairytales st

How do white fairytales start? "Once upon a time,"
How do black fairytales start? "N*** you ain't gonna believe this!"

Facts of life...

Morris asks his son, now aged 13, if he knows about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"

A few years ago, the Sierra Cl

A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS.
All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain't f*ckin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em."

A man sits down at a bar and o...

A man sits down at a bar and orders a double martini. After he finishes, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders another. After he finishes that, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders another double martini. The barman says: "I'll bring you martinis all night but why do you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies: "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

Winning toast

Patrick  hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of my life between the legs of me wife!"

And with that he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.

In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said: "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?"

So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of my life sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."

The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street.

Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"

She replied: "Aye, and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

A woman goes into a dentist�...

A woman goes into a dentist's office, and after her examination, the dentist says, I'm sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill that tooth.

Horrified, the woman replies, Oh, no! I'd rather have a baby.

To which the dentist replies, Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair.

Bill Gates Can Choose His Punishment

Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other indiscretions. I believe I'll do something I've never done before; I'll let you decide where you want to go."
Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?" Looking slightly puzzled, God said, "Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?"
Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, "I think I'll try Hell first." So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell.
When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill's face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. "This is great," he thought, "if this is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven."
Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill looked up, cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled for God and Bill Gates was sent to Hell for eternity.
Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons.
"So, how is everything going?" God asked.
Bill responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other place....with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women?
"That was the demo," replied God.

Buzzzzzz

What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?

A space invader.

Immaculate Miracle?

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and she is sick most mornings." The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant--about four months would be my guess."The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never been left alone with a man! Have you, Debbie?" Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!" The doctor walked over to the window and stared outside. About five minutes passed before the mother said, "Is there something wrong out there, doctor?" The doctor replied, "No, not at it. It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'm not going to miss it this time around!"

62 corny jokes to get you through Monday

• Do you have a Band-Aid? I have hurt myself while falling for you.
• You better direct that beauty elsewhere because you drive me up the wall.
• Girl, you're so stunning. I just forgot my pickup line.
• Your dad must be Liam Neeson because I'm Taken with you.
• If grapes make your skin beautiful, your home must be in a vineyard.
• How well did the phone propose to its girlfriend? He gave her a ring.
• You're like dandruff because I can't get you off my mind no matter how hard I try.
• Girl, do you know you're like asthma because you take my breath away?
• I am Microsoft. Can I crash at your place today?
• What do runners eat before a race? Nothing, they fast.
• I know what you did last summer. Do you want to do the same during the winter?
• Hey honey, do you want to hear a joke about construction? Never mind, I'm still working on it.
• What did that little boat tell the yacht? Hey, can I interest you in a row-mance?
• What did the guy with the broken leg say to the nurse? I have a clutch on you.
• What do you call two birds that are in love? Tweet hearts.
• What do you call a person with a rubber toe? Roberto.
• Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
• Why should you not fall in love with a pastry chef? He will desert you.
• What name is given to a factory that only markets passable products? A satisfactory.
• What does a ghost call his friend? My ghoul friend.
• Knock knock? Who is there? Paul. Paul, who? I'm Paul, in love with you.
• Are you casting for Wonder Woman? Because I have the perfect role.
• Are you feeling guilty about global warming? Because your hotness is melting the world.
• Will you kiss me, or should I lie to my diary?
• Hey girl, is that an earthquake, or have you just shaken my world?
• It seems I am addicted to yes and am allergic to no. So what's it going to be?
• Do you believe in love on first sight, or should I pass by you again?
• I may not be a professional, but we would look cute together in a photo.
• Girl, I need CPR after seeing your face.
• My job is secure. No one else needs it.
• It would be best to never break up with a goalie because he's the keeper.
• Do you have a date for Valentine's Day? Yes, it is on the 14th.
• What happened when two lovely vampires went on their first date? It was love at first bite.
• Why should you not marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
• What is the difference between marriage and love? Love is blind, while marriage is an eye-opener.
• My girlfriend works at the zoo. She is a keeper.
• I said I love you so much. I can't live without you. My girlfriend asked me, "Is it you talking or the beer?" I innocently answered her, "I was talking to the beer."
• Love is like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and you wondered about Y?
• Do you know love is telling someone to go to hell and worrying about them reaching their safe?
• Please don't laugh at your girlfriend's choices because you're one of them.
• I love to tell my girlfriend, the house boss, by holding the mirror before her face.
• I said to my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
• What did the cat say to her girlfriend? You're perfect for me.
• What do you call two cupids who are in love? A match made in heaven.
• What did one watermelon tell the other watermelon? You're the only one in melons.
• Why did the man accuse his wife of robbery? She stole his heart.
• Who has a date on Valentine's Day? The calendar.
• When you fall in love with a chef, you get buttered up.
• The hopeless romantic baker told his dough, I knead you.
• The tightrope walker found love through online dating.
• Is it hot in here, or are you busy raising the temperature?
• Girl, give me back my heart because it seems you stole it when I first set my eyes on you.
• Why did the skeleton go to the party alone? He had nobody to go with.
• What did the shark tell the other while eating clownfish? Wow, this tastes funny.
• Girl, what do you call a magician dog? Labracadabrador.
• What do you call a pony with a cough? A little hoarse.
• I saw two zombies on a date, and they said romance is dead.
• The lion broke up with his girlfriend since she was a cheetah.
• Your name must be WiFi because I am feeling a strong connection.
• Babe, you turn my floppy disk into a hard drive.
• What do you say to your single friends on Valentine's Day? Happy independence day.
• I told my boyfriend to text me when he reached home. He must be homeless.

Crucifixion is done...

“Crucifixion is done after cross examination!”

Nuns Confessional

Four nuns are standing in line for confession. The first nun goes into the confessional and says bless me father for I have sinned I touched a man’s private parts.

The priest asks, "What part of your body did you use?"

The nun replies, "My right hand."

The priest tells her to dip her right hand in holy water say 10 hail Mary’s and all will be forgiven.

The second nun goes into the confessional and says, "Bless me father for I have sinned I touched a mans private parts."

The priest asks, "What part of your body did you use?"

The nun replies, "My left hand." The priest tells her to dip her left hand in the holy water say 10 hail Mary’s and all will be forgiven.

Well, this leaves the third and fourth nun standing in line. The fourth nun taps the third nun on the shoulder and asks, "Would you mind if I went first?"

The third nun says, "Sure I don't care, but would mind telling me why?"

The fourth nun replies, "Well, I would like to drink the water before you have to sit in it!"

English School

Donald MacDonald from Scotland went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky).

“And how do you find the English students, Donald?” she asked.

“Mother,” he replied, “they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night.”

“Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?”

“Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes.”