The Perks of Being Over 40<The Perks of Being Over 40
Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
You can eat dinner at 4 PM.
You can live without sex but not without glasses.
You enjoy hearing arguments about pension plans.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You sing along with elevator music.
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Your joints are a more accurate meteorologist than the national weather service.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
A 1928 Ford
Michigan Lawyer: "Well Barney, so you want me to defend you? Have you got any money?"
Barney: "No sir. I ain't got no money, but I do get a 1928 Ford Car!"
Lawyer: "Well you can raise money on that. Now let's see, just what do they accuse you of stealing?"
Barney: "A 1928 Ford Car."
Stay out of the dorms...
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $25 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $50. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $100. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:
"How much for a season pass?"
The mother of a 17-year-old giThe mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"
A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.
The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.
"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."
Calculate the number 866
Really Good DeedThis guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.
He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.
Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.
Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.
So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?"
"Er.. about two minutes ago."
A fellow bought a new Mercedes...A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him.
"What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
Traffic circleDitzy friend to another: "I failed the driving test. I entered the traffic circle and the sign said '30 mph' so I drove 30 times around."
The other friend responds sympathetically, "You probably counted wrong."