Jokes of the day for Thursday, 13 May 2021

Where's My Drink

After ordering a milkshake, a man had to leave his seat in the restaurant to use the rest room. Since he didn't want anyone to take his shake, he took a paper napkin, wrote on it, "The world's strongest weight lifter," and left it under his glass.
When he returned from making his call, the glass was empty. Under it was a new napkin with a note that said "Thanks for the treat!" It was signed, "The world's fastest runner."

Two wives were airing their tr

Two wives were airing their troubles.
"I'd like to get a divorce," said the first. "My husband and I just don't get along."
"Why don't you sue him for incompatibility?" asked the second.
"I would if I could catch him at it," replied the first.

Thirsty

A very thirsty man goes into a bar.

As he waits to get the bartender's attention, a regular sitting next to him calls out, "I'll have another waterloo."

The bartender gives the regular a tall ice cold drink and asks the newcomer what he would like. The thirsty man points to the man next to him and says, "I guess I'll have what he's having, a waterloo."

So the bartender brings the newcomer a tall ice cold drink. The man takes a long deep drink and calls out, "HEY! This isn't any good. It tastes just like water!"

The regular bar patron sitting next to him says, "It is water. That's all I drink," He turns to the bartender and says, "Right Lou?"

The Happy Hangover

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Well, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,'Leave me alone, I'm married!'"

A woman was sure that her husb...

A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her, and having an affair with the maid. So she laid down a trap.
One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn't tell the husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches, and went to the bathroom.
The wife promptly went into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but quickly got on top of her...
When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: "You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And then she switched on the light...
"No madam," said the gardener.

A Saudi Prince went to Germany...

A Saudi Prince went to Germany to study.
A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying: "Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive to school with my gold Mercedes when all my teachers travel by train."
Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a ten million dollar check saying: "Stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too”!

Rosary and Two Martinis

A priest was sent to a very small church in the backwoods of Alaska. After a couple of years the Bishop decided to pay the priest a visit to see how he was doing. The priest said that it was a really lonely job and that he didn't think that he could have made it without his Rosary and two martinis each day. With that the priest said to the Bishop, "Would you like to have a martini with me?" The Bishop said, "Yes, that would be nice." The priest turned around and hollered toward the kitchen, "Rosary, would you fix us two martinis please?"

Ecumenical Greenbacks

My home church welcomes all denominations, but really prefers tens and twenties.

An old man was sitting on his ...

An old man was sitting on his rural porch, watching a jackrabbit cross the road. Just then, a passing truck squashed the jackrabbit.

The driver, pulled over, jumped out and ran back to see what he had hit. Seeing the flattened jackrabbit, he retrieved a spray can from the truck, and sprayed it on the mess. Waiting a few minutes, he shook the can and sprayed more on. The flattened mass quivered, and the driver sprayed yet more on. The mass quivered more, pulsing as well. The driver emptied the can, and the mass quivered, pulsed and reassembled itself into the jackrabbit. The old man watched, stunned. The driver tossed the empty can into a clump of roadside weeds and drove off.

The jackrabbit shook itself, turned to the old man and waved, then hopped a few steps. It stopped, turned back to the old man and waved again.. hopped a few more steps, stopped, turned and waved. This repeated every few hops until the jackrabbit disappeared into the field across the road.

Curious, the old man slowly arose, and hobbled toward where the driver had tossed the can, poking through the weeds with his cane until he found it. He picked up the can and read the label... "Hare Restorer With Permanent Wave."

A brilliant young boy was app...

A brilliant young boy was applying for a job with the railways. The interviewer asked him: "Do you know how to use the equipment?" "Yes", the boy replied. "Then what would you do if you realized that 2 trains, one from this station and one from the next were going to crash because they were on the same track?" The young applicant thought and replied "I'd press the button to change the points without hesitation." "What if the button was frozen and wouldn't work?" "I'd run outside and pull the lever to change the points manually" "And if the lever was broken?" "I'd get on the phone to the next station and tell them to change the points," he replied. "And if the phone was broken and needed an electrician to fix it?" The boy thought about that one. "I'd run into town and get my uncle" "Is your uncle an electrician?" "No, but he's never seen a train crash before!"

Drinking again

A guy decides to take off work early from work and go drinking. He stays in the bar until it closes at 2 a.m. By then, he is extremely drunk.

When he gets back to his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone up, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs.

Halfway up the stairs, he loses his balance, falls over backwards, and lands flat on his rear end.

That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had a couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets and they broke, carving up his rear end terribly. But he was so drunk he didn't know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he saw some blood. He checked himself out in the mirror and, sure enough, his rear end is cut up something terrible. He repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances and went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting and his rear was hurting, and he was lying under the covers trying to think up a good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh!" she replied. "You were plastered last night, and you know it! Where'd you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

The Playground

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.
Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."    

The results of your bold test

Doctor: “The results of your bold test have come in.”

“You mean blood test?”

“Hm, must be a Type-O.”

Author FinalCaveat user

Black Panties

Sherry lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter constantly urges her to get back into the dating world. Finally, Sherry says she'll go out, but doesn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it's an immediate hit. They really like one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the mountains.
Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stands nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?"
She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
Obviously, he knows he's not getting lucky that night.
The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit...except... that he has a black prophylactic over his manhood.
She looks at him and asks, "What's with the...uh...black prophylactic?"
He replies, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."    

This Guy’s Got His Panhandling Strategy Sorted

Jose and Carlos are panhandlers that panhandle in different areas of town.
Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects $2-3 every day.
Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills every day, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
One day, Carlos asked Jose: “I work just as long and hard as you do, but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?”
“Look at your sign, what does it say?” replies Jose.
Carlos’ sign reads: “I have no work, a wife and six kids to support.”
Jose says: “no wonder you only get $2-3.”
‘Carlos says: “So what does your sign say then?”
Jose shows Carlos his sign – it reads: “I only need another $10 to move back to Mexico”