Jokes of the day for Sunday, 16 May 2021

Watch What You Order

Two men walk into a bar. The first guy says he wants some H2O.
The second guy says he wants some H2O too.
The second guy died.

A soldier at the Pentagon got

A soldier at the Pentagon got out of the shower, and realized that his clothes were missing. While searching around for them, he accidentally locked himself out of the locker room, and he found himself completely naked in the halls of the world''s most powerful military organization HQ. But, luckily, no one was around to see him.
So, he ran as fast as he could to the elevator. When it arrived, it was empty. He breathed a sigh of relief and got in. When the doors opened on his floor, there was no one waiting outside. "This must be my lucky day," he said to himself. He was now only a few yards from his office.
Suddenly, he heard footsteps coming from around the corner. He heard the General's voice. There was no way he'd make it to his door in time, so he ducked into the closest office available, and found himself in the laboratory for Research & Development. The Head Scientist looked up from one of her experiments with puzzled interest.
The soldier thought quickly, stood up straight and saluted.
"I am here to report the partial success of the Personal Invisibility Device," he said.
"I see," the Head Scientist said. "But the Shrink Ray seems to be working perfectly."

Play your age...

A woman in Atlantic City was losing at the roulette wheel. When she was down to her last 10 dollars, she asked the fellow next to her for a good number.

“Why don’t you play your age?” he suggested.

The woman agreed, and then put her money on the table.

The next thing the guy with the advice knew, the woman had fainted and fallen to the floor. He rushed right over.

“Did she win?” he asked.

“No” replied the attendant.

“She put 10 dollars on 33 and 46 came in.”

Chuck Norris hears sign langua...

Chuck Norris hears sign language.

Biblical Theme Songs

Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"

The Young Executive & The Blonde CEO

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the Blonde CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
'Listen,' said the CEO, 'this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?'
'Certainly,' said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
'Excellent, excellent!' said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. 'I just need one copy...'

Daniel Tosh: God Does Not Hate Gay People

God does not hate gay people. Hes just mad because they found a loophole in His system.

A lawyer died and arrived at t...

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.
Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

Feet in the bed

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.

The husband climbed out of bed and counted. One, two, three, four. Damn, you’re right.

By Reddit user timetofeedthemonster

Farting Competition

A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the man cuts a fart. His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"
The man says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead, seven to nothing."
A few minutes later the wife lets one loose. The man says to her, "What was that?"
She replies, "Touchdown, tie score."
The man lays there for about ten minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard that he shits all over the bed.
The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?" He replies, "Half time. Switch sides."

Bibles to Boats

A young man from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid replies, "Yeah, I was one of the best Bible salesman back in Omaha."
The boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?” The kid responds, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
"$101,237.65."
"$101,237.65? Holy Mother Mary! What did you sell to him?"
"First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then, I sold him a medium fish hook. Then, I sold him a larger fish hook. Then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then, I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then, he said he didn't think his car would pull it, so I took him down to the automobile department and sold him a 4x4 truck with all the bells and whistles."
"A guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a boat and a truck?!"
"No, the guy came in here to buy feminine products for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing.'"
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member socaliflady

A little boy opened the big an...

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between pages.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered:

"It's Adam's suit!!!!!"

Thai Rivera: Paying Customer

I cant stand homeless people. I dont feel bad about saying it. I dont mind saying it because I give homeless people money. I give them more money than I should, so I feel, as a paying customer, I have a right to complain.

A few short jokes for a mid-week laugh

Doctor: Your body has run out of magnesium.
Me: 0Mg

"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
No sun.

Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”

Sad news at the Nestle factory today when a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath... He tried in vain to attract attention,
but every time he shouted "The milky bars are on me"
everyone cheered

What starts with a Y and ends with an X?
Dyslexia

April Fool's Day - Here are 5 pranks you can play on people

1. Add food coloring to milk that comes in a cardboard container.
2. Add food coloring to the windshield washer fluid of someone’s car.
3. Switch around random keys on someone’s keyboard who isn’t a very good typist.
4. Switch the Push and Pull signs on a set of doors.
5. Hide food in a trash can and when someone comes by grab some and eat it.