Jokes of the day for Monday, 17 May 2021

A parrot flies into a bar and

A parrot flies into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the parrot a drink.
The parrot complains: "Hey! You forgot the little umbrella!"
The bartender puts the little umbrella into the drink and the parrot is satisfied.
The parrot drinks a couple more drinks and then leaves.
After the parrot has left, a man sitting next to it says to the bartender: "Huh, I've never seen anything like that before!"
The bartender replies: "So! Anyone can forget the little umbrella sometimes!"

Book Power

Wife: "Whenever I keep money in my purse, our son steals it! I don’t know what to do?"
Husband: "Hide it in his books. I know he will never touch them."

Two cows....

Two cows were chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."

The other cow replied, "Ah, I ain't worried, it won't affect us ducks."

Hung Chow calls into work and...

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legshurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex.That makes everything better and I go work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

Being Alone

A man moved to a mountain top to get rid of the hustle and be alone.

One day he heard a knock at the door and no one was there but then he looked down and there sat a snail and it said it is quite cold out here can I come in? the man shouted NO why dont you all understand I want to be alone! and he kicked the snail down the mountain.

One year later there was a knock at the door and no one was there and then he looked down and there again sat a snail and it said,

What did you do that for?

Hung Chow calls into work and...

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legshurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex.That makes everything better and I go work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

Daniel Tosh: Blaming the Amish

Am I the only person who blames global warming entirely on the Amish? Are they not a constant reminder of how awful life would be without all this great technology? Every time I want to cut back and conserve on natural resources, I just look at the Amish and Im like, F**k that.

When the Boogeyman goes to bed...

When the Boogeyman goes to bed he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

A woman was at her hairdresser

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people are trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand, I knelt down, and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What did he say?"
"He said: 'Where did you get the shitty hairdo?'"

More Pilot Errors
Actual e...

More Pilot Errors
Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

******************

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

******************

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747... call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, And I didn't land."

******************

While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:

"Wasn't I married to you once?"

******************

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

A Horoscope For The Workplace

Astrology tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy, and what you watch on TV. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out…

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as “marketing without a degree,” you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with “customers” so you can ” concentrate on the big picture.” You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the heck can tell?! It is written that the geeks shall inherit the Earth.

ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all personal ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest “ergodynamic” gadgets.

ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, and mail a letter!

MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/”TEAM LEADS”: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other “Middle Managers,” as everyone in your social circle is a “Middle Manager.”

SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other “Senior Managers,” as everyone in your social circle is a “Senior Manager.”

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play “Customer Service.” Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to date your boss.

Boarding From What Gate?

At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."
So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.
So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program.

April Fool’s Day Pranks

1. Hide food in a trash can and when someone comes by grab some and eat it.
2. Put a balloon on the tailpipe of a someone’s car so it will pop when they start their car.
3. Glue the headset of someone’s phone down to the cradle.
4. Take the door knob off a door and put it back on backwards, then lock it and leave the door open.
5. Put plastic wrap around the door frame of a commonly used door.
6. Cover a toilet seat with plastic wrap.

A wife comes home late at nigh...

A wife comes home late at night from being out of town and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say 'hello'?"

When an escaped pris...

“When an escaped prisoner was caught camping out in the woods it was a clear case of criminal in tent.”