It was a dark, stormy, night.It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.
A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"
The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"
Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".
The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"
The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."
The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."
The Private simply said, "Good trade Sir!"
Bill: I know a man who drove a stagecoach and it didn’t have any wheels.
Ted: What held it up?
Hell is on strike. The workersHell is on strike. The workers are demon strating.
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.
"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts. He communicates really well, and I just act as if I'm listening."
Nick Kroll: Same PerfumeMy mother and my girlfriend are wearing the same perfume, which is weird because, all of a sudden, Im attracted to my girlfriend.
Reaching the end of a job inte...Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
Calculate the number 5800
Why are you crying?
Two guys were sitting outside a medical clinic. One of them was crying, tears were pouring down his face.
The other guy asked, "Why are you crying?"
The first one replied, "I came here for blood test."
The second one asked, "So? Why are you crying? Are you afraid?"
The first guy replied, "No. Not that. During the blood test they cut my finger."
Hearing this, the second one started crying.
The first one was astonished and asked the other, "Why are you crying?"
Then the second guy replied, "I have come for a urine test."
Business one-liners 74If you want to get along, go along.
If you want to make an enemy, do someone a favor.
If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is because of something left out, rather than added.
Ignorance is bliss. No wonder I'm so depressed.
Illegitimus non Carborundem: "Don't let the scum bags grind you down"
In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, the greater the confusion.
In any calculation, any error which can creep in will do so.
In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level of incompetence, and then remains there.
In any household, junk accumulates to the the space available for its storage.
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong, and an even bigger one to keep his mouth shut when he's right.