Being poor is absolutely roBeing poor is absolutely no fund at all.
The Preacher and the PeanutsA preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few?" he asks. "No, not at all!" the woman replied. They chat for an hour and, as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl. "I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts. I really just meant to eat a few." "Oh, that's all right," the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."-
Prefixes Before and After
'Pre' means before...
'Post' means after...
To use both prefixes together would be preposterous!
A plumber and a woman
A plumber was called to a woman's apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.
About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans. "That was my husband," she said, "He's on his way home, but he's going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off."
The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What? On my own time??"
Tickets to the theater
A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. After two weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family. Since this was a new home, the process took some time.
A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get. They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this. Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line, "Guess who sent them."
The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort. They went to the theatre, and had a wonderful time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value.
And on the bare table in the dining room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets: "Now you know!"
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.
She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am..'
The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'
'You must be an Engineer,' said the balloonist.
'I am,' replied the man, 'how did you know?'
'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk.'
The man below responded, 'You must be in Management.'
'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'
'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f**king fault.'
Replace the question mark with a number
Bad DateAfter being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
D.L. Hughley: Police Following YouYou ever have the police follow you so long, you get suspicious of your damn self? Maybe I did kill them people. Im a go ahead and turn myself in.
Marc Maron: Mathematical Cure for JealousyI used to be jealous; Im not jealous anymore. And a miracle happened to me, because if youre jealous, its a cancer, its a plague on your spirit, it really is. And I actually cured jealousy in a very weird way -- I cured it with mathematics. And Im not a math person at all, but Ive been with my wife for about seven years, so we have had sex probably, Id like to think, like, 9 million times or, at least, 1,500. So, the way I figured it, if she goes out and screws some other guy once -- Im still winning.
Internet addictionsInternet Addiction Disorder (IAD)
As the incidence and prevalence of Internet Addiction Disorder (IAD) has been increasing exponentially, a support group. The Internet Addiction Support Group (IASG) has been established. Below are the official criteria for the diagnosis of IAD and subscription information for the IASG.
A maladaptive pattern of Internet use, leading to clinically significant impairment or distress as manifested by three (or more) of the following, occurring at any time in the same 12-month period:
(I) tolerance, as defined by either of the following:
(A) A need for markedly increased amounts of time on Internet to achieve satisfaction
(B) markedly diminished effect with continued use of the same amount of time on Internet
(II) withdrawal, as manifested by either of the following
(A) the characteristic withdrawal syndrome
(1) Cessation of (or reduction) in Internet use that has been heavy and prolonged.
(2) Two (or more) of the following, developing within several days to a month after Criterion 1:
(a) psychomotor agitation
(c) obsessive thinking about what is happening on Internet
(d) fantasies or dreams about Internet
(e) voluntary or involuntary typing movements of the fingers
(3) The symptoms in Criterion B cause distress or impairment in social, occupational or other important other area of functioning
(B) Use of Internet or a similar on-line service is engaged in to relieve or avoid withdrawal symptoms.
(III) Internet is often accessed more often or for longer periods of time than was intended
(IV) There is a persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control Internet use
(V) A great deal of time is spent in activitied related to Internet use (e.g., buying Internet books, trying out new WWW browsers, researching Internet vendors, organizing files of downloaded materials
(VI) Important social, occupational, or recreational activities are given up or reduced because of Internet use.
(VII) Internet use is continued despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent physical, social, occupational, or psychological problem that is likely to been caused or exacerbated by Internet use (sleep deprivation, marital difficulties, lateness for early morning appointments, neglect of occupational duties, or feelings of abandonment in significant others)