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Jokes of the day for Saturday, 17 July 2021

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 17 July 2021

In ancient times, lazy slaves

In ancient times, lazy slaves didn't build Pyramids. They stood around and smoked ziggurats.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

Sandra and her husband Jim are

Sandra and her husband Jim are expecting a baby in 2 months. One day Jim comes home from work and asks Sandra, "Why haven't we had sex in so long?"
"You know I'm worried it will hurt the baby," Sandra told him.
"I'll be really gentle. I promise," Jim tells her.
Sandra protests but Jim manages to finally convince her that he won't hurt the baby so they have sex.
Two months later Sandra gives birth to a baby boy. When the baby was born he looked at the doctor and says, "Are you my father?"
The doctor shakes his head.
Then to Sandra, "Are you my father?"
"No, I'm your mother," she tells him.
Finally the baby sees Jim and says, "Are you my father?"
Jim nods.
The baby starts hitting him on the head and says, "How does this feel?"
#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 4.44/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (9)

SLIDESHOW #35 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Absolute Rest

"Madam, your husband must have absolute rest."
"Well, Doctor, he won't listen to me."
"A very good beginning, madam, a very good beginning."

#joke #short #doctor
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 9.38/10

Rating: 9.4/10 (8)

A Really, Really Good Shave

After twenty years of shaving himself every morning, a man in a small southern town decided he had been doing that long enough. He told his wife that from then on he’d let the local barber shave him each day.The man went to the barbershop which was owned by the pastor of the local Baptist church. The barber’s wife, whose name was Grace, shaved him and sprayed him with lilac water. “That will be twenty dollars,” she said. The man thought the price was a bit high and wondered how he’d continue to foot such a bill, but he paid for the service and went off to work.The next morning, the man looked in the mirror and saw that his face was as smooth as it had been when he left the barber shop the day before. Not bad, he thought. At least I don’t need to get a shave every day.The next morning, the man’s face was still smooth. Two weeks later, the man was still unable to find any trace of whiskers on his face. He couldn’t understand it, so he returned to the barber shop.“I thought twenty dollars was high for a shave,” he told the barber’s wife, “but you must have done a great job. It’s been two weeks and my whiskers still haven’t started growing back.”The woman’s face showed no surprise. “Well, of course,” she said. “You were shaved by Grace. Once shaved, always shaved.”
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 06 June 2021
  • Currently 4.05/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (22)

It's Time

An old lady tottered into a lawyer's office and asked for help in arranging a divorce. "A divorce?" asked the unbelieving lawyer. "Tell me, how old are you?"

"I'm eighty-four," answered the old lady.

"Eighty-four! And how old is your husband?"

"My husband is eighty-seven."

"My, my," said the lawyer, "and how long have you been married?"

"Next September will be sixty-two years."

"Married sixty-two years?! Why would you want a divorce now?"

"Because," the woman answered calmly, "enough is enough."

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 05 August 2015
  • Currently 7.44/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (9)

Jimmy Carr: Why Men Use Viagra

The reason old men use Viagra is not because theyre impotent. Its because old women are so very ugly.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 17 July 2011
  • Currently 3.99/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (79)

Neverland search

Police raided the Neverland ranch of Michael Jackson again.

He was reported to be so upset, he dangled himself over a balcony.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 17 July 2010
  • Currently 2.74/10

Rating: 2.7/10 (57)

Demetri Martin: Rock, Paper, Scissors

I like rock, paper, scissors -- two-thirds. Rock breaks scissors: these scissors are bent, theyre destroyed, I cant cut stuff -- I lose. Scissor cuts paper: this is strips, this is not even paper, this can take me forever to put this back together -- you got me. Paper covers rock: rock is fine, no structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point, just say the word. Paper sucks. It should be rock, dynamite with a cuttable wick, scissors.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 17 July 2010
  • Currently 4.53/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (55)

When Chuck Norris was a child,...

When Chuck Norris was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 17 July 2011
  • Currently 2.80/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (49)

The Laws Of Golf


LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 17 July 2011
  • Currently 3.59/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (44)

25 years of marriage

After 25 years of marriage, I took a look at my wife one day and said:

"Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black-and-white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde.

Now, we have a nice house, a nice car, a big bed and a big-screen plasma TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

But my wife is a very reasonable woman.

She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she'd make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa bed. 

#joke #blonde
  • Currently 9.07/10

Rating: 9.1/10 (15)

Sister Mary Ann

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was making her rounds. She was visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.
As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned
Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm becoming Catholic."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 23 August 2009
  • Currently 7.13/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (55)

Nice cheeks

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.'

'My darling,' he replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 02 March 2018
  • Currently 7.81/10

Rating: 7.8/10 (27)

After a hard day's work,

After a hard day's work, Osama bin Laden likes to relax by applying ointments and a soothing bomb.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 6.71/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (7)

Husband wanted

A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person."

The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow asked: "Just look at you -- you have no legs!"

The old gent smiled: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled: "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

#joke
  • Currently 8.14/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (22)

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