NED: I don't get along wNED: I don't get along with bakers.
NED: Let's just say, there's no loaf lost between us.
A businessman met a beautifulA businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his
secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:
Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
1 - it had never been occupied;
2 - there was plenty of heat; and
3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
First, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.
Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady."
Too Tight and Revealing
“Your underwear is much too tight and very revealing,” I said to my wife.
She said, “Wear your own then.”
A few pick-up lines...Guy- Are you from Tennessee?
Girl- No why?
Guy- Because youre the only 10 I see.
Whoever made the alphabet was wrong because U & I should be together.
You must be tired 'cause you've been runnin' through my mind all day!
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk past again?
If the only way I can be with you is in my dreams, then let me sleep forever.
Are you a parking ticket? 'Cause you've got 'fine' written all over you!
Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
Detective testA policeman was interrogating 3 SARDARS who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first SARDAR a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first SARDAR answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second SARDAR and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second SARDAR smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third SARDAR and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The SARDAR looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the SARDAR replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
Submitted by sai1ram
Edited by calamjo
Calculate the number 3731
Competition at the retirement home
An old man and an old woman are together every night. They aren't married, but for years and years they have spent every night together. All they ever do is sit on the couch buck naked and watch TV while she holds his weiner.
Every night, like clockwork, they do this - sit on the couch watching TV while she holds his weiner.
One night he doesn't show up. Then a second night goes by - no show. She calls him up.
"Where you been?" "Oh ... I've been down at what's her name's." "What are you doing there?"
"Pretty much the same thing we do - sitting naked on the couch watching TV while she holds my weiner."
"Well, what does she have that I don't have?"
PasswordA female secretary was helping her new boss set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.
Wanting to embarrass his new secretary a bit and let her know where they stood, he smugly told her to enter 'penis.'
Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She then almost died laughing at the computer's response:
PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Lone RangerTonto and the Lone Ranger had a falling out... because the Lone Ranger discovered that "Kimosabee" actually means... "asshole!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman