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Jokes of the day for Saturday, 28 August 2021

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 28 August 2021

This man went into a nightclub

This man went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by herself at the bar, he asked her to dance. She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one. While they were cheek to cheek, the guy said, "You really smell terrific. What's that you have on?"
The flattered girl told him it was Channel number 5. Then wanting to return the compliment, she said, "You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?"
"Well, I've got a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it," the guy replied.
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 1.29/10

Rating: 1.3/10 (14)

Dishes Who?

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes Sean Connery.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 4.64/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (11)

SLIDESHOW #27 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Fish trap

This fisherman goes to the river to check an illegal fish trap that he owns. He looks around to make sure there are no Fishing Inspectors about and proceeds to pull the fish trap out to check it.

An Inspector steps out of the bushes, “Ahha!” he said and the fisherman spun around and yelled “Shiiiit!”. The Inspector, who wasn’t expecting such a response said “Settle down, I’m the Fishing Inspector”.

“Thank God for that” said the fisherman, “I thought you were the bugger who owned this fish trap”.

#joke
  • Currently 3.44/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (9)

What is Adam Ant made of? A: <

What is Adam Ant made of? A: Adamantium.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 29 October 2015
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

If Only...

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she'd be Ella Vader.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him tomarry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marryHerman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop DoggyDogg Pooh.

G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced himto marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.

If Jack married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and marriedGregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), KingOscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 16 September 2015
  • Currently 3.75/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (8)

1. Never give me work in the

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 28 August 2015
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

Inertia is a property of Chuck...

Inertia is a property of Chuck Norris.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 28 August 2011
  • Currently 2.21/10

Rating: 2.2/10 (58)

Dov Davidoff: Starbucks Service

I said, Thats the wrong drink. And he said, Sorry, dude, Im tired. And I was like, Have a frickin coffee, man. Thats why Im here.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 28 August 2011
  • Currently 3.21/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (48)

The Reporter

A cub reporter for a small town newspaper was sent out on

his first assignment one day. He submitted the following

report to his editor.

"Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is

recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her

breasts."

The Editor scolded the new reporter, saying. "This is a

family paper. We don't use words like breasts around here.

Now go back and write something more appropriate!"

The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed

the Editor the following report. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a

one-car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital

with lacerations on her ( o )( o ) "

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 28 August 2011
  • Currently 4.52/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (44)

Pokemon for Adults

Q: What do you get when you cross Pikachu with porn?

A: Pikascrew.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 28 August 2013
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (42)

Best room in the hotel?

The drunk staggered up to the hotel reception and demanded his room be changed.

"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."

"I insist on another room!!" said the drunk.

"Very good, sir. I`ll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.

"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 28 August 2016
  • Currently 6.30/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (33)

Grab a tea

Grab a tea: what Isaac Newton did when he was thirsty.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 23 July 2020
  • Currently 1.57/10

Rating: 1.6/10 (7)

Divorce Court

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" 

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." 

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" 

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. 

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" 

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." 

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" 

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." 

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" 

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." 

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" 

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." 

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" 

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 28 May 2015
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

Soft Hands

Q. What does a Jewish woman do to keep her hands soft and her nails so long and beautiful?
A. Nothing, nothing at all.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 16 June 2015
  • Currently 7.07/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (14)

Jokes to celebrate Weed Appreciation Day

Today is National Weed Appreciation Day in USA! Appreciate your Weed!

Why did the dandelion become a motivational speaker?
Because it wanted to teach everyone how to turn their weeds into wishes!

Why was the clover invited to the garden party?
Because it was a popu-lawn guest!

#joke #weedappreciationday
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 1.67/10

Rating: 1.7/10 (6)

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