Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 31 August 2021

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 31 August 2021
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

On Time for Church

A member of our church choir arrives every Sunday morning with her seven children in tow, all a bit rumpled but never the less on time.
Scarcely able to get my one child ready, I asked her how she managed her brood so efficiently.
"Easy," she replied with a smile. "I dress them the night before."

#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 7.13/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (8)

Loud Train

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: "You rest here while I register - I'll be back within an hour."
The wife lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.
Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager (naturally) is sceptical but the wife insists the story is true.
"Look,... lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right to the floor!"
So he lies down next to the wife... Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here?"

District line Train at Earl's Court


The manager replies: "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

#joke
  • Currently 6.71/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (7)

The Preacher and the Peanuts

A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few?" he asks. "No, not at all!" the woman replied. They chat for an hour and, as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl. "I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts. I really just meant to eat a few." "Oh, that's all right," the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."-
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 11 July 2021
  • Currently 5.44/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (9)

A small boy came running out o...

A small boy came running out of the bathroom in tears.
"What's the matter?" asked his father.
"I dropped my toothbrush in the toilet."
"Okay, don't worry, but we'd better throw it out."
So the father fished the toothbrush out of the toilet and put it in the garbage. When he returned, the boy was holding another toothbrush.
"Isn't that my toothbrush?" the father said.
"Yes," said the boy, "and we'd better throw this one out too, because it fell in the toilet four days ago."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 25 December 2018
  • Currently 7.59/10

Rating: 7.6/10 (17)

I can not tell a lie...

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock that night.

They got dressed quickly. Then the man asked his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked, thinking him pretty weird.

The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I can not tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."

The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes, and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 19 September 2015
  • Currently 8.93/10

Rating: 8.9/10 (55)

After a day fishing on Lake Mi...

After a day fishing on Lake Michigan, a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two brown trout in a bucket. He is approached by a Conservation Officer who asks him for his fishing license.
The fisherman says to the warden, "I was not fishing and I did not catch these browns, they are my pets. Every day I come down to the water and dump these fish into the water and take them for a walk to the end of the pier and back. When I'm ready to go I whistle and they jump back into the bucket and we go home. The officer not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license.
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the trout back into the water.
The warden says, "Now whistle to your fish and show me that they will jump out of the water and into the bucket."
The fisherman turns to the officer and says, "What fish?"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 31 August 2015
  • Currently 8.60/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (10)

Chess Knight Move

Find the country and its capital city, using the move of a chess knight. First letter is K. Length of words in solution: 10,6.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Most comedians live im...

Most comedians live improverty.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 09 February 2011
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

How much wood would a woodchuc...

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 31 August 2011
  • Currently 3.18/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (50)

Louis C.K.: Working in Fast Food

The guy came up to me, my manager, the first day and said, I want you to go to all the tables, scrape the gum off with a butter knife. And I was thinking, Im not doing that. Im definitely not doing it. But I thought, why just say, No! The hell with you! and get fired? Thats boring. Instead I said to him, Yeah, OK. Ill do it. Then, I didnt do it, and he came up to me later: Did you scrape the gum off the tables? I was like, Oh, yeah, of course I did, sure. And later, he comes up, he goes, You didnt scrape the gum off the tables? Im like, Ah! No. Damn. Are you gonna do it? Yeah, of course Im gonna do it. Three days later, I got fired. I got paid for three days.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 31 August 2010
  • Currently 4.05/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (38)

Corruption

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 31 August 2011
  • Currently 5.88/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (34)

Jessi Klein: Cosmo Magazine

What I love about Cosmo is it is this magazine that is pretending to be your best friend. But Cosmo hates you so much; Cosmo just wants to undermine you, and make you insecure. Like, two real stories from the cover of Cosmo recently, one of them was how to drive a man wild in under 60 seconds. Im just like, when would I ever need to do that? When would I ever be in that kind of a rush? Am I at a tollbooth?
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 31 August 2011
  • Currently 3.48/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (31)

“I’d like to order a bar piz...

“I’d like to order a bar pizza,” the idiot says.
“Shall I ask them to cut it into six or twelve slices,” the barmaid asks.
“Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 31 August 2009
  • Currently 4.34/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (29)

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