Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 18 May 2022
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 18 May 2022 |
The spread of testicular cance
The spread of testicular cancer has reached epididymis proportions.The Big Man Upstairs
Teacher: What are you grateful for?
Megan: I’m grateful for the big man upstairs.
Little Johnny: Not me, the big man upstairs drives me nuts! He practices river dancing every night for an hour.
Have to write a letter of reco
Have to write a letter of recommendation for that fired employee? Here are a few suggested phrases:For the chronically absent:
"A man like him is hard to find."
"It seemed her career was just taking off."
For the office drunk:
"I feel his real talent is wasted here."
"We generally found him loaded with work to do."
"Every hour with him was a happy hour."
For an employee with no ambition:
"He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in."
"You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you."
"He consistently achieves the low standards he sets for himself."
For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:
"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."
For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:
"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment."
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly."
For a stupid employee:
"There is nothing you can teach a man like him."
"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."
For a dishonest employee:
"Her true ability was deceiving."
"He's an unbelievable worker."
The golfer and the funeral
A golfer and his buddies were playing a big round of golf for $200.
At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the $200.
As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by.
The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and waited for the funeral procession to pass.
After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt, and completed it, thus winning the game and the money.
Afterwards, one of his buddies said, "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen.
I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly losing your concentration, to pay your respects."
"Well," said the golfer, "we were married for 25 years."
Google's pizza
- Hello! Gordon's pizza (Pizza Hut)?- No sir it's Google's pizza.
- So it's a wrong number? Sorry
- No sir, Google bought it (Google bought Pizza Hut).
- OK. Take my order please
- Well sir, you want the usual?
- The usual? You know me?
- According to our caller ID data sheet, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizzawith cheeses, sausage, thick crust.
- OK! This is it ...
- May I suggest to you this time ricotta, arugula with dry tomato.?
- What? I hate vegetables.
- Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
- How do you know?
- We crossed the number of your fixed line with your name, through the subscribers guide.
We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
- Okay, but I do not want this pizza!,I already take medicine ...
-Excuse me, but you have not taken the medicine regularly, from our commercial database, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 cholesterol tablets at Drugsale Network.
- I bought more from another drugstore.
- It's not showing on your credit card statement
- I paid in cash
- But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement
- I have have other source of cash
- This is not showing as per you last Tax form unless you bought them from undeclared income source.
-WHAT THE HELL?
- I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the intention of helping you.
- Enough! I'm sick of google, facebook, twitter, WhatsApp. I'm going to an Island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone line and no one to watch me or spy on me
- I understand sir but you need to renew your passport first as it has expired 5 weeks ago
Chuck Norris can drink an enti...
Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.Owen Benjamin: Public Restrooms for Guys
Its not an enjoyable place. We get a urinal; we dont get real estate. Its a little, creepy urinal, right? Ladies, you know what it feels like in the elevator when youre in complete silence with a bunch of strangers? Now put your penis in your hand. What's white and if it fell ou...
What's white and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?A fridge.
What Is This?
A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says:
- What is this, a joke?
Yannis Pappas - Nobody Wants to Have Kids
@yannispappas
Is it ironic when you think about it
that our parents and grandparents worked
so hard for us to have a better life,
and now we don't want to have kids
'cause we don't want them to ruin our life?
Watch the full clip here: http://on.cc.com/1vfPBSm
A young Southern boy goes off...
A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the waythrough the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money hisparents gave him.Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won'tbelieve the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why,they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog OleBlue how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him inthat program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get himinto the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.
About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy callshis father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believethis they've had such good results with this program that they'veimplemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get himin that program? "
Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends themoney.
The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father willfind out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is allexcited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and readsomething!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, justbefore we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking backin the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then heturned to me and asked, ' So, is your daddy still messin' around with thatlittle redhead who lives on Oak Street ?'
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talksto your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
Miss Beatrice, the church orga...
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him intoher quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said. "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"
Hair Spray
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says,
"Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."
The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma
Donald Trump's top jokes about White House chaos at Gridiron Dinner
On White House turmoil: "It’s invigorating since you want turnover. I like chaos ... Who’s going to be the next to leave? Steve Miller, or Melania?"
On his son-in-law Jared Kushner: "We were late tonight because Jared could not get through security."
On Vice President Mike Pence: "He is one of the best straight men you're ever going to meet ... he is straight. Man." Trump also said, "I really am proud to call him the apprentice "
On Attorney General Jeff Sessions: "I offered him a ride over and he recused himself. What are you going to do?"
On Kim Jong Un: "I won't rule out direct talks with Kim Jong Un. I just won't. As far as the risk of dealing with a madman is concerned, that's his problem, not mine. It's his problem."
On The New York Times: "I'm a New York icon. You're a New York icon. And the only difference is I still own my buildings."
On former chief strategist Steven Bannon: "That guy leaked more than the Titanic."
On the first lady: Trump said he doesn't understand why everyone says freemelania. He said she's actually having a great time