Jokes of the day for Saturday, 01 October 2022
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 01 October 2022 |
Advice From Mother
A daughter asks her mother, “What are character qualities that I should look for in a marriage partner? You know, for someone that I will be spending eternity with."
The mother replied, ”Go ask your father, he did better than I did.”
Ma and Pa
Ma & Pa were on the porch & Pa said, " You know, Ma, I'd sure like a big bowl of ice cream."
"OK, Pa", she said, as she shuffled off toward the kitchen.
"Write it down," he said, "...you'll forget"
"Oh, Pa, don't be silly"
"Write it down" he said, "cause I want some chocolate syrup on it.", he insisted.
"Ice cream..with chocolate syrup" she said, as she walked into the kitchen. 10, 15, 20 minutes passed and finally Ma came out & handed Pa a big bowl of oatmeal.
"See, Ma, what'd I tell you....you forgot the toast."
Wildebeest farts are a
Wildebeest farts are a gnu's scents.Six Feet
Marge was in bed with a man (not her husband). All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs. "Oh, my God, your husband is home! What am I going to do?"
"Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk, he ain't gonna notice you here with me." The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful than the thought of getting caught in bed with Marge, so he trusted her advice. Sure enough, Marge's husband came crawling into bed and as he pulled the covers over him, he pulled the blankets, exposing six feet.
"Honey!" he yelled. "What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!"
"Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again."
Honey!" he yelled. "What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!"
"Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again."
The husband got out of bed, and counted. "One, two, three, four... By gosh, you're right, dear!"
Once upon a time, a man appear...
Once upon a time, a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.The villagers, knowing there were many monkeys, went to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 each and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.
He then announced that he would buy monkeys at $20 each. This renewed the villagers efforts and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon, the supply diminished and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the big city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf.
The assistant told the villagers, "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that my boss has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when my boss returns, you can sell them to him for $50."
The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for 700 billion dollars.
They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys!
Now you have a better understanding of how the
WALL STREET BAILOUT PLAN WORKS!!!
It doesn't get much clearer than this........
Speeding Ticket
A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door. "Is there a problem Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"
Also Found on http://www.moc-pages.com 'Jokes and Puns #3' Conversation of i Brick group, posted by King Jaspin on September 26, 2015
Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheet...
Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as toilet paper.Texas
At the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas. After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man.
“Say, is this really a healthy place?”
“It sure is,” the man replied.
“When I first arrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed.”
“That's wonderful!” said Bill. “How long have you been here?”
“I was born here.”
Climb The Pole
A group of guys were chatting with a good-looking blonde and, somewhat improbably, asked her to climb this pole that was conveniently nearby.For whatever reason, she decided to do it.
When she told her mother what happened, her mother scolded her:
"Don't you understand that they only wanted to see your underwear?"
The girl was understandably upset at being very stupid and naive, and decided to show those boys a thing or two.
The next day, they repeated their request, and when she came home she was beaming.
"What are you so happy about?" asked her mother.
"I totally showed them. Today I didn't even WEAR underwear!"
Cutting class
"Jill," a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, "do you mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time?"
"Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like I really don't like think like that's really important, y'know, like because I'm y'know, like I don't get anything out of it."
"It's English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher.
Never Lie to Your Mother
Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal; his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Peter's flat mate, Joanne, was.
She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flat mate than met the eye.
Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne & I are just flat mates'.
About a week later, Joanne came to Peter saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?
'Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure' said Peter.
So he sat down and wrote
DEAR MOTHER,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE. I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.
LOVE PETER
Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read
DEAR SON,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE F**KING FRYING PAN BY NOW.
LOVE MUM
A housewife with three young c...
A housewife with three young children was getting dinner ready when the phone rang. The six-year-old picked it up and said, "Hi, Daddy!" and she began telling him about her day. She then passed the phone to her brother and sister as was the custom whenever Daddy called from work.
When it was finally the wife's turn to talk she took the receiver and said, "Hi, honey."
"Thank goodness, lady," the voice on the other end replied. "I just called to tell you that the wallpaper you ordered is here!"
Rain Rain Go Away
It’s been raining for days now and my husband seems very depressed by it...
He keeps standing by the window, staring. If it continues, I’m going to have to let him in.
Petroleum Jelly
One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.
"Hello," he starts, "I’m doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?"
"Yes. My husband and I use it during sex," she answers.
The researcher is taken aback. "Um, er, I admire you for your honesty," he continues. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?"
"Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can’t get in."