Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 01 February 2023
Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 01 February 2023 |
An HMO Manager at the Pearly Gates
Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven.
St. Peter asked them to identify themselves
. One doctor stepped forward and said, "I was a pediatric spine surgeon and helped kids overcome their deformities."
St. Peter said, "You can enter.
"The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves."
St. Peter also invited him in.
The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care."
St. Peter said, "You can come in, too.
"But as the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, "You can stay three days. After that, you can go to Hell."
Thanks for Your Help, Judge
The judge reviews the divorce case very carefully and issues his judgement. "Mr Smith, I am going to give your wife $750 a month."
Mr. Smith's replies, "That's very nice of you, judge. And every once in a while I will send her a little extra too."
Pickup truck full of penguins...
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."
The guy obliges and drives away.
The next day, the officer sees the same guy driving around with the truck full of penguins again. This time, though, all the penguins are wearing sunglasses.
The police officer pulls the guy over and says, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"
The guy replies, "I did, and today I'm taking them to the beach."
Being Alone
A man moved to a mountain top to get rid of the hustle and be alone.
One day he heard a knock at the door and no one was there but then he looked down and there sat a snail and it said it is quite cold out here can I come in? the man shouted NO why dont you all understand I want to be alone! and he kicked the snail down the mountain.
One year later there was a knock at the door and no one was there and then he looked down and there again sat a snail and it said,
What did you do that for?
Falling asleep while diving ca
Falling asleep while diving can be fatal, aka snore killing.T.J. Miller: Holding a Baby
This woman wouldnt let me hold her baby the other day because she said I was too drunk. First of all, dont bring your baby into the bar. And second of all, if Im drinking malt liquor on a playground, I call that a bar.Who Should Make the Coffee?
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides it says in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that! Show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says, "HEBREWS."
One Line Zingers
- If Cain and Able were Siamese twins, would they be Cable?
- Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
- The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.
- "I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money.â€
- Warning notice at a seminary swimming pool: “First-year students are only allowed to walk on the shallow end.â€
- "If absence makes the heart grow fonder,†said a minister, “a lot of folks must love our church.â€
This joke was reprinted from "Laugh Yourself Healthy" by Charles and Frances Hunter, with permission of Strang Communications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.
Eliot Chang: Politically Correct Friend
He actually said this to me; hes like, Hey man, you got to be careful. Theres a lot of women that have an Asian fetish. Well, what do you mean? Theyll have sex with you just cause youre Asian. Arent you offended? Uh, Ill be offended after my orgasm.A cowboy walks into a bar, sit...
A cowboy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks for a shot. Across the bar, a Mexican man is sitting and glaring at the cowboy. The cowboy takes the shot and slams the shot glass down on the counter, yelling, "TGIF!" The Mexican orders a shot, takes it, and slams his glass down, yelling, "SPIT!" The cowboy looks over at him and notices the Mexican guy is still staring at him. The cowboy once again orders a shot, slams it down, and yells again "TGIF!" Once again, the Mexican orders a shot, slams it down after consuming it, and yells out, "SPIT!" This goes on for a while, and the bartender stands puzzled and annoyed. Finally, the bartender asks the cowboy, "Just checking, but do you know what TGIF means?" and the cowboy replies, "Hell ya I know what it means, 'Thank God It's Friday!'" The bartender asks the Mexican guy, "Okay, so what does 'SPIT' mean?" and the Mexican replies, "Stupid Pendejo It's Thursday!"A woman was found guilty in tr...
A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court."He smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not run a red light' five hundred times."
Scripture?
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening church service when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the burglar red-handed, and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38 (meaning, repent and be baptized...)!"
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman then calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the burglar, he asked, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "I thought she said she had an axe and two 38's!"