Popular jokes (31 to 45)

35 New Halloween jokes from 2023

What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange or Nec-tarines?

Where do mummies go if they want to swim?
The Dead Sea!

Why don't vampires eat cows?
They don't like stakes.

Who did Frankenstein’s monster bring to prom?
His ghoulfriend.

Why didn't the police arrest the zombie?
He couldn't be taken alive.

How do ghosts drink their coffee?
With scream and sugar.

How many real vampires are there?
None. Unless you count Dracula.

What's a ghost's favorite dessert?
Ice scream sandwich.

Why did the ghost quit his job?
They kept making him work the graveyard shift.

Tired of new jokes? We have big collection of older Halloween jokes

Why do witches wear name tags?
To tell which witch is which.

How do skeletons start their cars?
With skeleton keys.

What did one casket say to the sick casket?
Is that you coughin'?

What did one casket say to the other casket?
Is that you, coffin?

Why don't ghosts take showers?
They only like boo-ble baths.

Why did Dracula go to art school?
He wanted to learn how to draw blood.

How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried.

What did the corpse's mom do when she got mad at him?
She grounded him.

What kind of ship does Dracula have?
A blood vessel.

What happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his exorcist?
He was repossessed.

What do you call two witches living together?
Broommates.

Why didn't the mom let the little witch go trick or treating with her friends?
She was ex-spelled from school.

What kind of dessert does a monster like?
I-scream!

Why don't monsters eat popcorn with their fingers?
They eat fingers separately.

When do zombies finish trick or treating?
When they are dead tired.

Where do movie stars go on Halloween?
Mali-boo.

Who does a mummy take on a date?
Any girl he can dig up.

What does a zombie wear to make their eyes pop?
Ma-scare-a!

What kind of car does Frankenstein drive on Halloween night?
A monster truck.

What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?
A stake sandwich.

Why wouldn’t Dracula’s kids laugh at his jokes?
Because they all sucked.

Who are some of the werewolves' cousins?
The whatwolves and the whenwolves.

The Husband Store – Still True

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Melbourne , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor , where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer
The third, fourth, fifth & sixth floors have never been visited.

Winter is here! Collection of 76 Winter Jokes

1. Why did the snowman hold up his arms?
He was told to freeze.

2. What did the black ice ask the car?
Wanna go for a spin?

3. How do you know when a snowman is scared?
He's sitting in yellow snow.

4. What did the mitten say to the hand?
I've got you covered.

5. Why did the reindeer have a limp?
He took a snowfall.

6. What's the difference between ice and icicle?
Ice has noel.

7. Why is a sled always discouraged?
It's continuously on a downward slide.

8. What do you call a cold thief?
A brrrr-glar.

9. Why was there a puddle in front of the fireplace?
A snowman was trying to warm himself.

10. What is the purpose of bundling up?
Anti-freeze.

11. How does Jack Frost keep warm?
With a thick blanket of snow.

Christmas is almost here, check out Christmas jokes in our Christmas jokes collection

12. Why did the snowman leave?
He had a meltdown.

13. What happens when you catch a cold?
You get cabin fever.

14. Where does a snowman store his cash?
In a snowbank.

15. What is the best way to build a snow fort?
I-gloo it together.

16. Why does Frosty's wife look so young?
She uses cold cream on her face.

17. What happens when a mosquito lands on a snowman?
He gets frostbite.

18. Why did the two snowmen part ways?
One was just too flaky.

19. When is an igloo a bad investment?
During global warming.

20. What are little snowmen called?
Chill-dren.

21. What is a snowman's favorite breakfast cereal?
Frosted Flakes.

22. When does winter begin?
When autumn leaves.

23. How did the snowman get flattened?
Instead of his usual snow shower, he went for an avalanche.

24. Why are polar bears so big?
Because they snack on ice cream and snow cones.

25. How does a snowman lose weight?
He drinks only hot chocolate.

26. What has the best chance of surviving a fall?
Snow.

27. How does Jack Frost stay so thin?
He only eats iceberg lettuce.

28. How does Santa like his cookies?
With lots of ice-ing.

29. What fish do you catch in the winter?
Frozen fish sticks.

30. Why should you invite an ice fisherman to your party?
To help break the ice.

31. What is sure to stop a snowball fight?
A hail storm.

32. How does a snowman travel through town?
On bi-cicle.

33. Who is Frosty's favorite aunt?
Aunt Artica.

34. Why was the snowman looking through the carrots?
He was picking his nose.

35. What do you call a hot-tempered snowman?
A puddle.

36. How did the man feel after being buried under the avalanche?
A bit under the weather.

37. How did the snowman know he was getting sick?
He had the chills.

38. What type of beer is served in Iceland?
Only drafts.

39. How do mountain tops handle the cold?
They put on their snow caps.

40. What's easy to catch and hard to get rid of?
A cold.

41. Knock, knock. Who's there? Snow. Snow who?
Snow body.

42. When will you see snowmen dance?
At a snowball.

43. What did the snowman's wife put over the baby crib?
A snowmobile.

44. What gift should you never give a snowman?
An electric blanket.

45. How do you know when you have angered a snowman?
You'll get the cold shoulder.

46. What do you call a reindeer without eyes?
I have no eye deer.

47. What did a police officer ask a suspect in the Arctic?
Where were you the night of September to March?

48. What do you call 5 snowshoe hares bouncing backward in the snow?
A receding hare line.

49. Who protects snowmen?
Snow angels.

50. Why should you wear a helmet during a hail storm?
So you don't get knocked out cold.

51. Why are snowmen so well-behaved?
They don't want to end up in the greenhouse.

52. What did the scarf say to the hat?
You go on ahead and I'll just hang around.

53. How do snowmen get smarter?
From the winternet.

54. What do the elves eat for lunch in the North Pole?
Cold cuts and chilly.

55. What did one snowflake say to another?
Let's stick together.

56. How can you tell when a snowman is embarrassed?
He begins to slush.

57. What song do you sing to honor a snowman?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.

58. What is the elf's favorite time at the workshop?
Snow and tell.

59. How do you defend yourself against a snowman?
With a heat gun.

60. What do you call a snapshot from the North Pole?
A polaroid.

61. Why is it easy to build a blonde snowman?
It's made up of flakes.

62. What do trees say after winter is over?
What a re-leaf!

63. Why do polar bears live by themselves?
They like the ice-olation.

64. Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot. You can easily catch a cold.

65. What do you call a penguin in the city?
Lost.

66. What does a snowman take when he's afraid of melting?
A chill pill.

67. What dilemma does a snowman with achy muscles have?
Wondering whether or not IcyHot rub is a good idea.

68. Why do reindeer have fur?
Because snowsuits don't fit them.

69. What are the chances of a white Christmas?
Pretty good. It's Decembrrrrr.

70. What happens when you cross a wizard with a blizzard?
You get a cold spell.

71. Why do ski socks never make plans?
They're afraid they'll get cold feet.

72. How do you stay warm in any room during the winter?
Go into a corner. It's always 90 degrees.

73. How do you get a snowman to disappear?
Give him a warm hug.

74. What happens when you ask Santa for money?
He leaves cold hard cash.

75. Why did the orchestra set up in the snow?
They wanted to play "cool jazz."

76. How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!

31 Dad Jokes to Start the Week with a Smile on Your Face

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I’ll let you know…

Is there anything worse than when it’s raining cats and dogs?
Yes! Hailing taxis.

I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes.
Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.

I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus,
but geometry is where I draw the line.

If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It’s OK, he woke up.

My manager told me to have a good day.
So I didn’t go into work.

Whoever stole my depression medication —
I hope you’re happy now.

I lost my job at the bank on my first day.
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Why did the drum go to bed?
It was beat.

What do you call a rude cow?
Beef jerky.

How does a penguin build his house?
Igloos it together.

Which bear is the most condescending?
A pan-duh!

Where do you learn to make ice cream?
Sundae school.

I’m afraid for the calendar.
Its days are numbered.

Have you ever had a bad sausage?
It’s the wurst.

What do you call a fish wearing a bow tie?
Sofishticated.

I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda.
It was more of a Fanta sea.

My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape.
That would be a big step forward.

I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it will get a reaction.

I could tell a joke about pizza, but it’s a little cheesy.

I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.

What’s the best kind of bird to work for at a construction company?
A crane.

I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don’t know y.

I used to be a personal trainer.
Then I gave my too weak notice.

What’s the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament?
Live stream.

What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school?
“Bison!”

What kind of music do chiropractors like?
Hip pop.

Two guys walked into a bar.
The third guy ducked.

It’s inappropriate to make a dad joke if you’re not a dad.
It’s a faux pa.

7 new jokes for a good start of the week

I made a lamb curry last night…
Apparently they prefer grass!

Someone stole all my lamps you'd think I'd be upset...
but I'm actually delighted.

I'm going to have to return the camouflage jacket I bought last week...
I just can’t see myself wearing it!

My Dad always said it was rude to point…
Great man, rubbish bricklayer!

Does anyone know a good towel joke?
I really like dry humor.

I went into the office early one morning and switched the M and N keys on everyone's keyboard. Some people will say I'm a monster
The others will say nomster.

I was dating a girl named Ruth but I broke up with her.
I'm ruthless.

37 Christmas jokes

Why is the Grinch such a good gardener?
He has a green thumb.

What type of key do you need to put on a Nativity play?
A don-key.

Who is the only one to not eat at Christmas dinner?
The turkey, it’s always stuffed!

Why was the advent calendar afraid?
Its days were numbered!

What’s the best present to receive?
A broken drum, you just can’t beat it.

What’s a dog’s favorite Christmas song?
Bark, the Herald Angels Sing.

What carol is heard in the desert?
O camel ye faithful.

How can you tell that Santa is real?
You can always sense his presents.

What do you call a bankrupt Santa?
Saint Nick-less.

Who is Santa’s favorite singer?
Beyon-sleigh.

What does Santa clean his sleigh with?
Santa-tizer.

What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson.

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
Nothing, it was on the house.

Why did Santa’s helper start going to therapy?
He had low “elf” esteem.

What do Santa’s helpers learn in school?
The elf-abet.

What would you find on an elf’s Instagram account?
Lots of elf-ies.

Who is the best singer in the North Pole?
Elf-is Presley.

What did the elf on the shelf dress up as for Halloween?
Prankenstein.

Why didn’t Rudolph make honor roll in school this term?
Because he went down in history.

Which reindeer does Santa always have to discipline?
Rude-olph.

What do reindeer say before they tell a joke?
This one will sleigh you!

What do you get if you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frostbite.

How did the snowman get to work?
By icicle!

What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps.

What do snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren.

What do grapes sing at Christmas?
‘Tis the season to be jelly.

Why shouldn’t you prank the eggnog?
It can’t take a yolk.

What did the gingerbread man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet.

Why don’t penguins fly?
They’re not tall enough to be pilots!

What do you call an art museum made out of ice?
The Ig-Louvre.

What’s as big as a Christmas tree but is lighter than a feather?
Its shadow.

Most recent Thanksgiving Jokes - fresh from 2023

What did one pumpkin pie say to the other?
"You wanna piece of me?"

How did you find grandma’s turkey this year?
I just looked next to the gravy.

Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.

What did the leftover turkey say?
"Make me a sandwich!"

What’s the difference between a turkey and a chicken?
Chickens celebrate Thanksgiving.

Why do turkeys hate Thanksgiving tables?
They're a fowl sight.

Find New Thanksgiving jokes from 2023, fresh and corny.

Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving?
The turkey, because he's already stuffed!

What do you call an attractive pilgrim?
A puri-ten!

What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach?
Puri-tan.

Our collection Thanksgiving jokes has jokes collected for many years.

What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain?
Pil-grimace.

Why did the turkey stand on stilts?
Because nobody eat flamingoes for Thanksgiving dinner.

What did the turkey say to his real estate agent?
Turn-key only.

I tried a new pie recipe.
Wow, you're a real pie-oneer.

You know you overdid it on Thanksgiving...
when you cut yourself shaving and you bleed gravy!

Not enough Thanksgiving jokes? These jokes were new not so long ago 26 funny new Thanksgiving jokes that were new on 2020!

Winter Wit: Midweek Laughs to Warm You Up for Friday Fun with 31 jokes

Which one is faster: hot or cold?
Hot. You can catch a cold.

Why is the slippery ice like music?
If you don't C sharp - you'll B flat!

What's an ig?
A snow house without a loo!

What do you call a snowman with abs?
An abdominal snowman.

How does a snowman get to work?
By icicle

What did the wool hat say to the scarf?
You hang around while I go on ahead.

What do snowmen win at the Olympics?
Cold medals!

How do polar bears make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.

What do you call a snowman’s dog?
A slush puppy!

"Knock, knock!" "Who's there?" "Freeze." "Freeze who?"
"Freeze a jolly good fellow, freeze a jolly good fellow..."

"Knock, knock!" "Who's there?" "Icy." "Icy who?”
"Icy a long cold winter coming!"

"Knock, knock!" "Who's there?" "Snow." "Snow who?"
"Snowbody home."

What kind of math does a Snowy Owls like?
Owlgebra.

What did the ocean say to the bergy bits?
Nothing. It just waved.
(That's an old joke from the Ice Age.)

What sits on the bottom of the cold Arctic Ocean and shakes?
A nervous wreck.

Tip 1:
No matter how cold you are, DO NOT attempt to build a fire in a kayak! You can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Tip 2:
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.

What food do you get when you cross a snowman with a wolf?
A brrrr-grrr.

What did the icy road say to the car?
“Want to go for a spin?”

Did you hear about the man buried alive under a sudden snowstorm?
He was feeling under the weather.

Why is Frosty never late?
Time waits for snow man.

What’s the scariest part of owing Santa money?
He snows where you live.

Where’s the warmest place in the South Pole?
On a map.

How did the snow globe feel after listening to a scary story?
A bit shaken up!

What do you call a snowman that plays piano?
Meltin’ John.

What do you call a snowman without a carrot?
Nobody nose.

I warned him about starting his own ski resort.
It’s a slippery slope

Who delivers the Christmas presents to baby sharks?
Santa Jaws

It was so cold outside that I saw a Greyhound bus, and the dog was riding on the inside.

Why is it hard to ski after a fresh snow?
With great powder comes great responsibility.

Did you hear about the politicians whose best speeches were outdoors in the winter?
He could really turn a freeze.

Friday Funnies: 11 Jokes to Start Your Weekend Right

I was surprised to learn I weigh zero milligrams.
I was like 0mg!

I was annoyed when my wife gave me a coffin for my birthday.
I said, “this is the last thing that I need.“

Went to the beach and fed the birds cannabis laced cake. They seemed to like it…
I left no tern unstoned!

A spider asked a human, "Why are you afraid of me?"
Human: "Well, all the reasons I had have been replaced by the fact that you can talk."

Just saw three people jogging outside my window, and it inspired me...
To get up and close the curtains. That's enough interaction with people today!

If I had to rate our solar system
I'd give it one star

There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life. ..
Push and Pull!

Me: "Dad, do you know where I can get a Greek sandwich?"
Dad: "I don't know. Let me look through my gyroscope."

I have a lot of respect for giraffes.
They're an animal you can really look up to.

The boss looks over the gentleman's resume and says "Wow, I'm impressed.
It seems like you've got everything needed for the job.
But there's a 4 year gap in here.
What happened there?"
The gentleman responds
"Oh, that's when I went to Yale."
The boss is now super impressed and hires the man on the spot
. The man immediately calls his wife
. "Hey honey, I got the yob!"

Great Presidents

George Washington was such a great president.
He never blamed any of the country's problems on the previous administration.

One more set of Thanksgiving jokes - new from 2023

Why do turkeys love R-rated movies?
Because they use fowl language.

If pilgrims traveled on the Mayflower, what do college students travel on?
Scholar ships.

Why are Thanksgiving and Halloween similar?
They both have gobble-ins.

Check more of New Thanksgiving jokes from 2023.

How many pastry chefs does it take to make a pie??
3.14.

What are turkeys most thankful for on Thanksgiving?
Vegans.

What do Thanksgiving turkeys become after they die?
Poultrygeists.

What's Inside a Genie's Turkey?
Wishbones.

What did pilgrims use to make cookies?
May Flour!

Check out our collection of new (and old) Thanksgiving jokes.

Why did the Pilgrims eat turkey at Thanksgiving?
Because they couldn't get the moose in the oven!

Why are Thanksgiving bread jokes always funny?
Because they never get mold.

What did Dad say when he was asked to say grace?
“Grace.”

What did the Thanksgiving turkey say to the Christmas ham?
Nice to meat you.

Why don’t side dishes tell jokes?
They’re too corny.

What do you call a sad cranberry?
A blueberry.

What’s the best way to keep a turkey in suspense?
You’ll find out at Thanksgiving dinner!

What role do green beans play in Thanksgiving dinner?
The casse-role.

Need more Thanksgiving jokes? There some Thanksgiving jokes that were new not so long ago Thanksgiving jokes that were new recently

One Minute Birthday

Did you hear about the old man whose birthday one year lasted only one minute?
It was his sixty-second birthday.

Almost at the end of the week? Check out these jokes to help you survive!

I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector today…
The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy!

What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?
Attire.

Me: What's the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go.
So what's the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
No spaces, all lowercase! Three men are on a boat They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

Got myself a takeaway coffee today.
I asked if I could pay by card.
The waitress said, "Yes of course.
What have you got?"
I said, "The four of clubs!"

Did you hear about the plan to prohibit the use of Roman numerals?
I for one, think it's a terrible idea.

My wife told me she couldn't stay married to a cross dresser.
So I packed her things and left.

Husband takes his wife to a disco, theres a man on the dance floor, moonwalking, break dancing, head spins, the works. Wife turns to her husband & sighs "You see that man?
25 years ago he asked me to marry him & I said no!" Husband says "It looks like he’s still out celebrating!"

Four legs

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

7 Funny short jokes to wake you up

We just watched the Tetris movie.
It's a blockbuster

My family is getting sick of me telling dad jokes 24/7.
Or should I say “they are sick of me telling dad jokes 3.428571428571429”?

When I was younger I had a job pretending to be a statue.
I held that position for some time.

The new thought-activated car they're working on is going to be even more popular than the voice-activated one.
It goes without saying.

My wife is one of the clumsiest people I know.
I'm so glad she fell for me

I have two questions about this Taylor Swift lady:
What kind of clothes does she make? And how fast does she make them, really?

I can’t think of a time when I lost my toupee while riding a motorcycle.
At least not right off the top of my head.

What do you call a 400 pound alcoholic?
A heavy drinker.